And you get to decide how much of you to pour in. Because if she is only in for 95%, you’ll pour 100% in and end up broke and broken. This is one of those things you can help with, but you absolutely cannot do for her.
My sister is a recovering alcoholic, who nearly broke my parents and my sister before she got straight. Watching my mother pour her retirement funds, her energy and her sanity into my sister’s recovery only to listen to her then say “I don’t have a problem” - I was about to kill her myself before her liver stepped in to say “oh, yes you do.”
She may have to hit bottom before admitting it to herself. Talk to some professionals, both for her and for yourselves. Become very clear about what behaviors from you will enable her. E.g. what does she take away from this latest? Is she reinforced because you let her vent and now she’ll leave because you’re such a drag? You gave her some temporary relief, she felt some sense of safety, and now it’s back to the status quo?
Then maybe next time you don’t let her vent…make her face what’s bothering her without your involvement. I’m sure as a parent you want to rush in and fix everything, but you can’t. You need to be very clear about what on your part will likely help perpetuate the behaviors and what may help extinguish it.
I’m not a counsellor and not a parent, but am a daughter who started having problems getting along with my mother in my 20s. Every situation is different; you may be nothing like my mother and your daughter has certainly taken her anger much farther than I ever did. With those caveats in mind, what you can do is. . .
Get yourself some professional help and guidance.
Find a way to get your daughter some professional help, particularly with her anxiety and possible depression.
Try listening more than talking.
When you do talk, try positive reinforcement, even if you think whatever criticism you have is true or warranted. Avoid things like, “I love you, but the things you’re doing are bad, bad things and we’re just afraid we’re going to lose you.” That may sound sympathetic and loving in your mind, but what she’ll hear is, “Blah Blah Blah All the Bad Thing You’re Doing, You’re a Bad Person, Blah Blah Blah,” even though that’s not what you actually said or even meant. Instead, try “As hard as it was for me to hear some of the things you told us last night, I’m really proud of you for having the courage and willingness to tell us what’s going on in your life. I love you.” She may be much more willing to accept what you’re going to be doing to get her help, if she believes the good things you tell her about herself more than the bad things she believes you think of her.
The operative word in the above is ‘may’. May. I remind you of my opening caveat; I’m not a professional and I don’t know either you or your daughter.
I wish you and your family all the best in getting through this very scary situation. I can’t imagine how worried and frightened you are right now.
Very sorry to hear that things are getting so much worse (I have read about some of the struggles your family has faced in the past). IV drug use seems like it would cross a line from young adult rebellion to something much more serious…
I wish the best for your daughter AND for you and your husband. Sometimes, no matter how wonderful of a job you try and do in raising your kids, the best efforts are not enough, and certain people seem determined to learn things the hard way (or to never learn them at all).
Dont allow her to make you feel guilty; you did not hand her a needle. That decision was hers, (and undoubtedly her boyfriends) and at age 20, she needs to own it…
I hope she will accept your love and offer of help!!!
First, I want to acknowledge that this is a huge, life-changing event. Second, there is no one right answer. So much depends on if she wants to clean up or not.
The best advice is to go to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting ASAP. Like tonight if you can. There will be a bunch of folks who have gone through/are going through this exact issue. Ask for advice and listen to it. These are the people who can and will help you in starting to deal with what all this means.
It’s a long journey; there are no overnight answers. And more than likely there will be no perfect outcome. But these folks can help you find a workable outcome. Good luck and report back if you feel.
I’ve been in your shoes. My daughter was a heroin addict at 21 and she had a 6 month old baby (he’s now nine). She started the heroin after the baby was born, so he was and is just fine. She had moved back home when we found out, so we gave her a choice: she gets into a rehab program that very night (via the ER at the county hospital) or she hits the streets. She could NOT stay at our house. She chose rehab and we took care of her baby during the next 8 weeks. Be grateful you don’t have a baby to feel guilty about! (No, we would not have put the baby out on the streets, but we absolutely would have informed child protective services who would have taken the baby from her.)
It has not been all roses since then, however. That rehab stint did not “take” because she was doing it for the wrong reasons. She did not want to change for herself, but to have a place to live (our house). She stayed with us for a couple of months after rehab but went back to the bf, and to the drugs. None of this was easy for us.
She later decided to clean up for herself and now she wont even take a tylenol unless she’s dying. The point being, she did it herself. She eventually married the boyfriend who got her hooked, the father of her child, and they’re having their third child in April. Yes, they struggle sometimes, and she gets depressed now and again, but she deals with it. Sometimes they screw up and need some help, but we keep encouraging them to act like the adults, and parents, they are supposed to be. She’s not gone back to the drugs. She works hard and is an excellent mother.
We wish you the best of luck with your daughter. I am so sorry you have to go through this. But talk means nothing to her. She does what she wants knowing you will support her no matter what. So no matter what she decides, you need to stop “helping” her. You need to refuse to watch her self-destruct, if that is her ultimate choice. That by itself may shock her into a change. It may not. Good luck.
It isn’t your fault.
You cannot help someone who does’t want help.She has to reach her own rock botton and wallow before she will ask for help.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Thank you all. I feel a little better now with at least some sort of game plan, even if it’s not quite in place yet. The local organization has parent group meetings that start in March - it’s every Wednesday night. I hope that my husband will join me. He and I had a lot of difficulties in the past, but things are good now. I now realize that (and this is very hard to say) some of the stress and conflict came from our daughter. We argued a lot about how best to deal with the drama that she brought into the house.
I don’t know if we will be able to talk her into going to Nar-Anon, but I would be willing to go for the support and to get some ideas on how best to help her. If she doesn’t want the help, at least I will learn how to deal with this a little better than I am right now. I am a mess.
So many times when bad shit like this goes down in life, I think people argue over whose fault it was etc. If these things were traffic accidents many would be standing in the intersection pointing fingers while the victims bled out on the pavement. You and your husband need to reconnect fully, IMO. Put the past behind you and unify on behalf of your daughter.
Here’s the intervention for Chuckie Negron, son of Chuck Negron of Three Dog Night. Sad…I don’t think the mother understands how tough love works.
I think Narc-anon is for you, not her. If she wants to If she goes to NA, that will be her place. The group for you is a support group for family members. Hopefully they’ll allow you to vent, give you support and advice.
It’s easy to say “don’t be an enabler”, much more difficult to do. Please don’t let yourself be sucked down by your daughter and her actions.
I have absolutely no experience with drugs or alcohol, but you have my best wishes for a successful outcome.
Al-Anon is wonderful for the family, and Shirley has given you great advice that you should print and post on your mirror or fridge so you see it many times every day.
You CAN help without hurting, you just need to learn how. If she goes to a treatment center, they will help you with that, and help you to set new boundaries (just as she will have to).
Purely personal experience talking here, but I think her best bet is a treatment facility where she “lives-in” either private or attached to a hospital. Just caching a few meetings probably won’t do much good, at least at this point.
I wish you strength and understanding and patience in equal measure- you will need a lot of both.
This is not your fault, and is not your husband’s fault. There’s nothing either of you could have done differently to ensure this wouldn’t happen. Even if there were something you could have done differently to prevent this, thinking about it now wouldn’t help.
Nar-Anon is for people affected by somebody else’s addiction. Narcotics Anonymous is for people who are addicted to narcotics. Both should be distinguished from Narconon, which is run by the Church of Scientology.
I’m trying to hang onto this right now - thanks for posting. I think I’ll hang this up where I can see it, too. I was the mom who greeted the kids at the door with milk & cookies after school. We had tea parties and read stories. I worked part-time or not at all as much as possible so we wouldn’t ever have them in daycare. We don’t drink, smoke, or party. We’re about as white bread as you can be. Extended family is nearby and loving and supportive for the most part.
My husband has agreed to go the the meetings for parents with me, so I’m going to register us for that. We’ve decided that I will do the organizing and he will talk to her tonight about what she needs to do next if she wants to continue to live at home.
Wish me luck. When I called home today she was thankfully still there, but hostile. I just don’t have any patience for that crap anymore.
Some things that helped me when I was dealing with an addicted loved one:
This is not your fault. You did not give her drugs or encourage her to take drugs, or drive her to drug use. Any influence you have in her life now is POSITIVE, not negative.
You have no way of knowing what effect your actions will have on her. This is called being human. You make the best decisions you can with the knowledge that you have. Stop worrying about making the “wrong” decision - there is no way to know ahead of time what is “wrong”. It is not your fault if a well-meant decision has a negative outcome.
You may not be able to change the outcome. This is NOT about you finding the right words or the perfect response that will get through to her. It’s about HER, and all you can do is help her out if she decides she needs it.
Lose the guilt. If she asks for your help, give it. If she rejects your help, there’s nothing you can do. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Take it from an addict/alcoholic daughter, as I said to my mom-
Your good parenting in the past and present will help in the future, purple haze, I promise. It will allow her to come to you, if she chooses, as a safe haven. And can I say how your user name makes me smile, in the midst of this horror?
This didn’t happen because you didn’t take her to church/temple/whatever, or because you took her to the “wrong” one.
This didn’t happen because you were too strict with discipline, or too lenient.
This didn’t happen because you sent her to the “wrong” school.
This didn’t happen because you and your husband argued.
This didn’t happen because of something you said to her.
You may run into people who will say things like “if you’d done X, this wouldn’t have happened.” These people are ignorant. It’s a kind of superstition, actually, just like thinking that carrying a rabbit’s foot will affect how you do if you play the slot machines. Bad things do happen to good people, and to people who do everything right. That’s a scary thought to a lot of people, so they’ll try to think of something you did wrong to cause this or deserve this. You may even find yourself trying to think of something you did wrong. Recognize those thoughts for the superstition they are, whether they come from you or from someone else.
We talked to her last night. My husband and I told her that we’ll be taking classes for parents and that she can see a counselor. She said she doesn’t want to go to our local place for help. My husband says he doesn’t know if she’s heard things about this place from friends and thinks that it won’t be helpful, or what the deal is. She won’t give specifics and just says she doesn’t need help. Having a conversation with her is like going around and around in an endless circle with no resolution. She contradicts herself from one week to the next. Help me! I don’t need help. Help me! I don’t want your help. Why are you ignoring me when I’m around? Leave me alone and quit bothering me! And so on.
My opinion is that she either accepts our offer of help or hits the road. My husband doesn’t like that black and white approach, and is thinking that if she doesn’t want to do what we say, we could possibly give her another chance to stay here and turn herself around on her own.
There is a little bit of a history here. Even without the drugs, we have given her chance after chance over the past year and a half to make significant changes in her life. We’ve helped her to go to school, helped pay off very past due credit card debt, I’ve helped with her resume and cover letter for job searches. She will do well for a little while and come crashing back down. I think that the anxiety and depression issues need to be dealt with before we can do much else. If we don’t take care of the underlying issues, a bandage won’t help.
My husband is close to his breaking point and that makes me very angry with our daughter. I know that she needs help but I can’t help but see some manipulation going on as well. She seems to ask for attention in so many ways, but when we give it to her she is irritated and pushes us away. Last night I told her very plainly “Here we are. We are ready and willing to help you right now. If you don’t want to go to get treatment, what do you think will happen? We can’t keep running over this same ground.” I get in return "I’m fine. Why can’t you just leave me alone?
She will tell us her decision today.
I talked to my husband and told him that I can’t stand much more of seeing him run into the same brick wall over and over. He is the one who keeps wanting to give her one more chance, and is devestated when she blows it. The he gets frustrated, I get frustrated, and we argue. I also told him that I refuse to let this hurt our marriage ever again. I value what we’ve built back up too much to let it go again.
Go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Tonight. If your husband won’t go, go by yourself.
Just as you can’t change or control your daughter’s behavior, you can’t change your husband’s either. The people you will meet can help you, and your husband if he chooses, to set boundaries and make choices that will help you two stop arguing about this.
Please go. You don’t have to wait until the classes start.
Whatever the mental illness that is going on here, and it is, it will slowly corrode you, your husband and your relationship just as it is chipping away at the remains of your daughter.
