Daughter's Engagement Coming Up--Opinions On 2 Things

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

This is the truth.

The hardest part in life is standing back and letting someone else make the mistake that you know you can keep them from making and then therefore, hurting.

Your best teacher is your last mistake.

I’m not saying I think she is heading for heartache and headachescause, as we all know marriage is sunshine, rainbows and simutaneous orgasms after loads of spontaenous sex on the kitchen table!!111!!! - :dubious: - , but it certianly doesn’t sound like she picked the cream of the crop.

Really, a bright hardworking gal like your daughter could pick any guy out there and she picks someone who seems to be floundering. I think she is selling herself short. A guy who is 35 and cruising through life ( forget the living with Mama part for awhile.) is a guy that doesn’t have hit shit together now, would make me go WTF? Is he into drugs, porn, gambling, drinking ( or worse, like Star Trek/LOTR and comic books).

Then there is the mental playground of Why Is He Living With Mommy still? Where is the money. Sorry, but…there it is.

If he is a mama’s boy, is your daughter ready and strong enough to take the back burner to the Mother in Law?

There are alot of Variables and If’s that are hanging. Details, man, we need details.

However, as other have said, it is really none of your business.

However, if you are tired of sensible advice and really want to do what we all wish we could do in Life’s Little Moments of WHY WHY WHY!!!: fly down to Houston,get a hidden webcam purchase and do a livecam and do either to a Meet the Fokkers or some kind of Al Pacino protecting his family kinda speech.

It wouldn’t make you famous.

You would be a legend for all Dads & Moms in your position.
Good luck, remember to breathe and keep us posted.

22

:eek: Dear God, 20’s and 30’s is “older”?

cries

:smiley:

23

Here’s my two-cents, as a recently engaged 32 year old…

First and foremost, you are more than welcome to feel the way you do, however you need to realise these are your feelings and they are not necessarily appropriate for you to share with your daughter or anyone else.

I would assume that your daughter knows that you would like him to ‘ask’ you for your daughters hand in marriage. It’s an outmoded concept, but people still do it out of respect for the parents (my fiance did). Assuming your daughter has let him know that you’d like this done, the fact that he’s listening to his mother over your daughter speaks volumes. And if your daughter hasn’t let him know/asked him to ask you, then that speaks volumes about your daughter.

As for the ring, it’s really only an issue if she is not happy about lending him the money. And if that’s the case, then it’s up to her to sort that with him. Personally, my fiance and I pool all our money, there is no ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ so stuff like this simply isn’t an issue. Maybe the problem isn’t so much that he doesn’t have much money, but that she wants a super-dooper ring and won’t take anything less.

From what you have said (although no doubt your viewpoint is biased), I think this guy’s lack of career and the fact that he lives with his mum may both be causes for concern (but not necessarily). However, it should be your daughter’s concern, not yours. There isn’t a damn thing you can do about any of this - it’s just not your place.

Don’t get too hung up on the fact that she earns more and appears to work harder than he does. It’s very easy to label someone like that as ‘a loser’ or ‘not good enough for my daughter’. But for all you know, that may just be part of their dynamic. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes.

24

I’m not really saying anything anyone else hasn’t said, but…

Interfering would be bad. Criticizing would be very bad. Talking it over with your daughter and her future husband–I wouldn’t recommend together–would be a better idea. You’re finding out more about the situation and putting yourself in a position of support and encouragement in the right direction, but you’re not coercing them.

I definitely second the “go out for a beer or have a coffee or save the universe” idea proposed by MLS.

(Side note: now I want rainbows and sunshine and spontaneous sex on top of the kitchen table. Woe.)

25

Although at the moment I’d probably settle for a mod fixing my coding… :o

26

Just curious – has he lieved with his mother his entire life, or is it just temporary while he pursues his Master’s degree?

27

Yes, it is just while he is in the Master’s program. He did live on his own prior to that, so it’s not like he’s always been at home. I should have made that clearer.

And one thing you have all helped me to face up to is that this is their life and I have been letting my own preferences interfere too much. I need to be more open-minded and receptive.

…although the videocam idea is VERRRY tempting… :slight_smile:

28

Check the e-mail address listed in your profile, please.

CJ

29

Live on a plane give in to the dark side! :smiley:

30

It’s possible she was/is attracted to someone who takes time to stop and smell the roses and “forces” her to do the same. If they decide to have kids it’ll be great that he’s working (if he doesn’t stay home to care for the kids) but isn’t so wrapped up in his career that she’s stuck doing all the child rearing herself.

Have you ever spent time with this guy? Do you know him at all for yourself or just things you’ve heard 2nd hand?

31

I guess I must be different from most people, because I wish to God somebody had opened up my eyes about some of the men I was head over heels about. Everybody seems to think the best course of action is to say nothing lest your loved one turn against you. I totally disagree.

I dated a would-be gigolo for two years and nobody would say anything. The closest thing I got to advice was mom’s cryptic comment, “What do you two talk about, anyway?” About five years later I finally figured out what she meant by that.*

After I’d wasted two years on this guy I finally ran across someone who was willing to say what he was thinking: “What on earth do you see in that guy who is way stupider than you and rarely has a job?!!” What an eye-opener! I’m not lying or being sarcastic when I say that I really had no idea. I had fallen for him hard, and nothing was snapping me out of it.

*She meant that he was stupid.

32

?? I just did so & it looks correct to me. Maybe I just got whooshed?

33

I meant I sent an e-mail to it this morning. Maybe it got lost? At any rate, please e-mail me at the e-mail address in my profile. I’ll be checking it tonight.

CJ

34

Just a slight hijack, why do people make it sound like a guy that stays at home and takes care of the kids is a no good slacker? A woman that stays home with her kids has made a choice, but a man that does the same is a slacker that takes advantage of his wife? Not that I advocate any adult not working, but this sort of thing irritates me. End of hijack. That feels better. hehe

35

Asking the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage an outmoded concept? Good gods, NO. Its a classical sign of respect towards the parents, a sign of a mature decision being made, and a chance for the future son-in-law to show that he’s going to be able to provide for the family. And it gives the father-in-law a starting point to learn about his family addition - to start the relationship between the two men that should last a lifetime.

He should have the respect to give you that honor. That’s what men do. And he’s not acting like a man.

If it were me, I’d eat the expense to fly out to meet you and your wife, despite their lack of funds.

The cost of the engagement ring, however, is something that is to be decided between them. If they are as broke as they sound, a simple gold ring should suffice for your daughter, and when they get the finances, they can upgrade. Having to be broke and live simply in the first few years of marriage, ESPECIALLY for students, should be considered the normal method of things. If your daughter finds it necessary to have huge rock on her finger, instead of getting a better apartment or house, then that is their decision.

36

I actually interpreted it that a guy (who had no job) could be considered a slacker until he became a stay-at-home dad.

37

Good grief, just call up your daughter, tell her that you figured out how easy it would be to stop over in Houston, and ask her if she’d like you to do that in case she wanted him to ask you in person “the old fashioned way”, or if not that you could at least take them out to dinner to celebrate.

And if she’s got other concerns, your being there will give her the opportunity to find some time to chat about them with you, without the risk of you seeming too nosy.

38

Asking for the blessing of the parents isa quaint idea. I see nothing wrong with it.
As for the ring, however, No. If he cannot afford an engagemtn ring, they certainly can’t afford to be married. Engagemtn rings do not have to be expensive do they? Isn’t it the thought? I once had one, it cost $15.

39

In the OP I’m pretty sure the reference is to a diamond. That’s what most engagement rings are assumed to be, and they will cost a darn sight more than $15!

I disagree on the concept that you need to be able to afford a ring in order to marry. I’ve known folks who married during hard times, worked together to build a life together, and who did just fine. At one time the very idea of an engagement ring was pretty much something for rich people.

Some practical-minded brides and grooms opt to spend the money on their new home, or to save for their children’s education, or (as in the case of my very practical-minded parents) life insurance.

40

When I got engaged, I asked my dad if he wanted to be asked. He was adamantly against it. I was pretty against it, but if it made my Dad happy, why not?

I paid for both my engagement ring and both wedding rings. I had the money, he didn’t. It was just that simple. I also have always been of the opinion that extravagant jewelry purchases are just crazy. I have friends who are getting a $5000 engagement ring. Mine was $150 and I only got an engagement ring because it was marked down from $700. :slight_smile:

I think you’re right to have reservations, but you’ll only push her away if you strenuously object. Love your daughter and support her decisions.

Good luck.