DBW -your self-concern almost killed me (long)

The BBQ Pit
1

DBW-
We are in your office talking about what would happen if I pushed myself to do something that caused me increasing distress and anxiety as I did it.

I told you it would probably kill me.

You keep up with this idea that I should push myself to break through it.
You don’t recognize that I am getting more and more upset with the direction of this conversation. In fact, I am having so much trouble that I cannot even hear the words coming out of your mouth. You are quite excited about something we should try, and I cannot hear what you said. I tell you that I cannot hear what you said, please send me an email, and you say you don’t do well with e-mails, but you would TRY.

I am so upset that I can hardly think at all, and all I can get out of my mouth is that I am in a “really bad place”.

So you give me a hug, and send me out the door.

NO “How bad is this place you are in” (the answer: really black and really bad-the suicidal thoughts are coming to the surface)

NO “I have another appointment right now. I’m sorry we can’t continue this. Let me call you when I am done with my appointments”.

NO “Keep working on this and call me if you have any problems this evening”

NO “When is your next appointment?” (answer: we don’t have one scheduled)

NO “Are you going to be OK? Are you going to be Safe?” (answer to both: I don’t know. I’m not sure)

So I go home (fortunately home is about a 1/2 mile away and I felt I could get home safely)

And it gets WORSE.

I have several “parts” that have suicide thoughts. Thoughts and wishes about dying and not having to live in this hopeless world. The more “parts” that are suicidal, the worse I feel, the stronger the feelings get. As the evening progresses, they ALL crash and want to die. But as miserable as this is, it’s just “passive”.

THEN, another “part” come roaring into the picture and terrorizes everyone (but one that is watching the whole riot in fascination and amazement) This part has no emotion but rage and anger, steely, hard-hearted bitch who says “You want to die? Let me help you!”

The riot continues, and then everyone decides that dying is the best option. (the part that is watching agrees too)

And the riot STOPS… It is replaced with a calm feeling of having made a “good decision”. And the suicide planning begins. It’s going to happen, but the decision is “not tonight” (future date is chosen and plan finalized)

Then the bitch says “I wonder how upset DBW would be to walk into his office one morning and see a dead body on that patio outside his windows? That’s probably a bit cliche, and been done before. I wonder how many of his clients have killed themselves?”

I debate if I should call him. I dial his number and listen to the recorded message. The message stresses that IF it is an EMERGENCY, Press “0” for the answering service. I think about it and decide that since I am not planning on killing myself that night (though the bitch thinks her plan still has a sort of twisted appeal), that it is not an EMERGENCY. So I don’t press “0” and I hang up.

Shit, this is taking too long to type (my hands are sweaty too) I have an appointment to get too.

The pittable part yet to come. DBW is a fucking asshole and I probably have a legitimate complaint that I could file against him for abandonment and inappropriate treatment.

2

Is DBW a guy? Oh yeah, he is…

Is he your boss?

If you have rioting thoughts about suicide (no stranger to me), please, please, call a SOS hotline or something to find someone who could listen to you emphatically.

3

DBW was my psychologist. That is what makes this whole thing pittable.

I am in a safer state of mind now, and looking for a new therapist. Thanks.

4

I don’t think killing yourself and depositing your body on his patio is an appropriate response to him not understanding what’s wrong with you. If that were the case, then you’d have to kill yourself and deposit your body on MY patio, too.

I’m sorry I can’t really help you. I wish I could. This is probably not your therapist’s fault, though.

5

I sure as hell am glad I’m not a psychologist/psychiatrist/therapist.

Because sooner or later, I’d say the wrong thing to someone, or fail to say the right thing.

6

Well, I sent him an email describing my thoughts and plans. And he tells me he wants me to find a new therapist.

NO evaluation of the intensity of my suicidal thoughts. NO questions about the details of any plans or the ability to carry them out. NO discussions about need to get me to a place where I will be safe. NO concern about what triggered this whole outburst. (And when someone tells a mental health professional they are suicidal, these are questions that MUST be asked.)

Just him saying we have boundary issues, and he does not want to make or get phone calls after office hours and he does not want to deal with email and he only wants to see patients once or maybe twice a week.

I was on the very edge of my life, needing support and understanding. (which he had previously promised me he would provide and I had told him that I would tell him if I got suicidal) I kept my part of the agreement, and he tells me he can’t deal with me and dismisses me as a patient.
YOU DON’T TELL AN ACTIVELY SUICIDAL PATIENT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CRISIS TO GO FIND A NEW THERAPIST.

DBW, you treated me VERY, VERY BADLY. Very unprofessionally (and having been a therapist for 38 years, you should have known how to do it right)

I have found a certain strength in this whole event. I went to the very edge of living and dying. . . and turned back. . . to life.

7

pudytat72, if you’re still having serious suicidal thoughts, call 911. I’m serious. At the very least, the hospital may be able to transfer you to someone more helpful.

I’m glad you’re in a better place now–you’ll be in my thoughts.

(Man, when a therapist makes you need to see a therapist…)

8

pudytat72, please please please, if you’re still feeling like this, call someone (911, a hotline, a friend) to help you through it.

And then, yes, find yourself a new therapist. I don’t know yours, so he may be good or bad, but he doesn’t seem to be good/right for you right now.

hugs

9

I think it’s probably best that you’re finding a new therapist - he obviously wasn’t the right one for you.

I hope things improve and you start to feel better.

10

I am in a much better place right now, thanks. (This episode was playing out from Tuesday, Sept. 2 until Monday the 8th.)

I spoke with the Mental Health Nurse Practitioner (at the Veterans Hospital) that is managing my antidepressant medication, and we adjusted the dose. She offered me hospitalization if I needed it, and SHE asked me all the right questions.

I was evaluated at the VA earlier this year. They offered me medication (which has helped), but I was denied individual therapy (currently reserved for recent returnees from Iraq with PTSD, and wait-listed for group therapy. (women’s sexual trauma group was full)

So I found DBW, and I thought we were doing some good work together, but I crashed and he bailed.

I’ve got 3 names of new therapists. (one recommended by my chiropractor, and two from an International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation).

The VA is also reviewing my case and I haven’t heard what they decided. They may also give me some names of therapists. I told them I felt I needed more individual attention than I could get in a group of 8-16 women. And I did not really want to be assigned to a psychiatric resident (I’ve had enough of therapy from people who don’t know What The Fuck they are doing!)

I also seem understand better what is going on inside my head, and have some ideas,now, about what I need to heal, that I did not have before.

There was a thread recently along the lines of “Can people really recover from severe mental illness” I almost responded to that with “God, I hope so!”

I’m really getting tired of not knowing where my thoughts will be at any given moment. Friday, I was crying. Saturday, I was laughing at realizing that one of the reasons I am overweight is that none of the parts wants to share food! They all want their OWN banana nut chocolate chip muffin. (Personal record of dubious distinction is 16 muffins eaten in one day)

11

Pudytat, glad to hear you’ve reached out and you’re in a better place now. I hope you can quickly find a therapist who will meet your needs and keep you in that good place! I’m sorry that you have to deal with such dark things. I’m wishing you strength and happiness!

12

Don’t take it as any medical advice, but yeah, you may need a new therapist.

13

Whoah. That’s really not the type of thing you should be posting. The only time I ever spent in inpatient psychiatric care was a 72-hour involuntary for saying something a hell of a lot less definitive than that (to a nurse, though, not to a message board).

14

Did you tell him that, though? Just asking.

Also, if he thinks the two of you have boundary issues, he shouldn’t be hugging you. It sounds like he’s not the right therapist for you, or perhaps not good at his job in general (no phone calls after hours? Seriously, none, ever?). In which case, there’s no use hanging on hoping the situation will improve.

You’ve got three good leads. See what happens with those. And you should tell them (succinctly) why you were dissatisfied with DBW.

15

This.

It’s quite a profound statement. It gives me a lot of hope for you.

There are certainly some… questionable therapists out there. The fact that you are able to express your anger at being mistreated is a very positive sign, IMO. The fact that you are choosing to live is the most positive sign.

I have been in a place much like where you were last week, except that I was perhaps not as strong as you. Even so, I was able to make that same choice to turn away from the brink and choose to live. It was definitely the turning point of my life.

Now, for me, I am strong and resourceful, and the choices are easier to make. I have even found happiness and joy (although it took a while before I even believed that much to be possible, and even longer to make it happen - it is hard work, but it is very much worth the effort).

I wish you the best.

16

This may not be 100% his fault, although I do think he acted irresponsibly. If the intake person who first met with you at the VA, though, did not think things through and/or make it clear to him that you would need more therapy than once or twice a week, I don’t blame him for being overwhelmed.

I’m NOT saying that his actions were OK, and he should at least be thinking about how to work with you and keep you safe while you transfer to a new therapist, but not everyone can give that level of intense services and do the work justice. (Really, though? Doesn’t want phone calls after hours? That’s not a realistic goal for a therapist).

I feel for you. I have been a high-intensity patient in the past. I’ve also been a therapist, though, which I think made me a bit able to question whether he is a Bad Person, or just one in over his head.

Also what Rilchiam said re: the hugs. Not particularly good idea with a survivor of sexual trauma.

17

But if that’s how he/she is (or was) feeling, um, SHOULDN’T he/she be telling someone? “Don’t post that” because you might end up involuntarily committed? The alternative – possibly being free to carry out the plan – is better?

18

You sound like you have some degree of awareness about what’s causing you these issues. Maybe you didn’t before. I’m glad you are willing to find a therapist who is able to treat you. Still, the situation you described does not lend me to be antagonistic to your ex-therapist.

I wish you the best. My PM box is always open.

19

Good luck in finding a therapist who’s better suited to your needs. I’ll be praying for you.

20

I wrote a long, involved first post, then rushed the second part. Here is an expanded second part that may clear some things up.

Tuesday(2nd) 4pm -therapy session
Tuesday evening-email about suicide decision

Wednesday late morning- Phone call from DBW saying he does not want to treat me.
The “bitch” entered into this conversation and told him her plan about the dead body and it being cliche and probably done before.
This led to his comments about boundaries, appointments 1-2 times per week, limited/no after hours phone calls, and he mentions that he had a prior MPD patient that “did not end well”. He previously told me that I did not have MPD, just “very loosely integrated”. (MPD= Multiple Personality disorder, now called DID=Dissociative Identity Disorder)
But we talk, and he (I think) realizes that some therapy technique that he considers vitally important has never been done (I got the feeling of an “Ah-Hah- why hasn’t this been done yet?” from him) And he realizes I don’t have a “standing appointment”, so he transfers me to receptionist to make appointment for the next Tuesday afternoon.

Thursday morning-I send him a “very nice go-to-hell” email (phrase stolen from Randy Pausch-“Last Lecture”) saying that I understand boundaries , etc. but I cannot temper what is happening to me based on whether or not it will upset you. (I’m thinking: I can’t hide the bitch just because you can’t handle her, Hell, I can hardly handle her) And I conclude with canceling my Tuesday appointment.

Thursday afternoon: email response from DBW very brief, saying “I wish you well in your continued recovery”

Friday morning- after much continued thought on my part and new understanding about what is happening to me, I call his office and leave a voice mail asking to “unfire” him and keep the Tuesday appointment if it is still available. (I think it is strange to get his voicemail on a Friday morning at 10:30 am when he has 2 office people working for him) Never get a return phone call and I think maybe he is out of the office, and the office people have taken off too.

Saturday and Sunday-Roller coaster ride for me emotionally highs and lows but no active suicidal thoughts.

Monday morning(8th) I wake up at 5:30 am and remember the last two times I was that seriously suicidal.
The first time, I ended up spending 3 weeks in a psychiatric hospital.
The second time, I was with a therapist who specialized in MPD, and she recognized I was in a bad place and asked the right questions, and I handed her the prescription medication that I would have tried to use. She saw me daily until I felt better. (she stopped doing MPD work and became a “life coach”.)

I had the thought that early Monday morning, that DBW might not agree to see me, and I was concerned that the serious suicidal thoughts might return. And since I had planned to use Tylenol in the suicide, I decided that it would be best if I did not have any Tylenol in the house.

So I wrote him a note explaining the Tylenol and saying that we had done some good work together and I hoped we could continue. Put the note and the Tylenol in a zip lock bag and at 6:10 am drove over to his office and left it by his front door.

Late monday morning, I get a voice mail from HIS RECEPTIONIST, saying he will not see me, and there will be NO NEGOTIATION (emphasis mine), and he will be happy to speak with my new therapist if he gets a written release.
So he had two very clear instances where I was a danger to myself, and he did not address either one. And that is why I wrote this in the Pit.

DBW is not part of the VA system. I was seeing him on my own.

Update: The VA called(on the 11th) and offered me a place in their “Mindfulness Skills Module”- a lecture about coping skills. It sounds interesting and might be helpful, but I think I need a bit more than that.

On the 11th, I called one of the new therapists and left a message on his voicemail at 4:45 pm. At 9 pm, he called me back and we spoke for probably 20 minutes and I related what had been going on recently. He asked me to call him the next day when he could look at his schedule and set an appointment. When we spoke on Friday afternoon, we still could not set a definite time, but will meet Tuesday afternoon (16th). He specializes in Trauma and Dissociation.

I’ve also been speaking to my sisters on a daily basis. They were also abused by my father, but much less than I was- the consensus is that he abused one girl until the next one was born, then started on the new one. And I was the last girl so I got abused the longest. I told my 2nd sister that I thought the new therapist might want to hospitalize me, and asked her if she wanted to be my roommate in the psych hospital so we could both get help, she said “Sure!” (I actually consider her to be worse off than I am because she has not had as much therapy as I have, and she needs it.) When I mentioned the share-the- room idea to my oldest sister, she said “I’ll come too”.

I wish I could be hospitalized and work on this issue exclusively. I think I could improve much faster and get back to a higher level of functioning. I feel like I am functioning at about 50%. But if I don’t work, I don’t get paid.

I don’t have health insurance or disability, and the VA is still saying I am not eligible for care since I don’t have a service connected disability and I make too much money. (Technically, I’ve been fraudulently accessing care at the VA, with the exception of the emergency care I got back in April when my intestines got strangulated in my abdominal hernia) but everyone that has been seeing me has been ignoring the warning on my file that I am not eligible for care, and seeing me anyway.

So I struggle daily to work enough to pay my bills and pay down my debts, but not work so much I get overwhelmed and want to end it all.

Thanks to all who have replied, and thanks to those who have viewed even if you didn’t comment (this thread did not die a lonely death, and neither have I!). I don’t post very often, but I do feel a part of this community.