I’d like to give an alternative summation of the weather:
Shitty: November to March. Recognizable by high winds, overcast, temperatures hovering just above freezing, with frequent rain when one must spend extended periods outside. No actual snow ever falls, except when it dumps one to three feet while one is trapped in a mansion-like house with an insane cocaine-addicted girlfriend.
Pansy: March to late April, and October to November. Exactly like Shitty, but only on the weekends. Nobody really knows what the weather is like on the weekdays, except that it looks nice when one is inside, until they actually go outside. Locals look forward to open season on tourists who stand to the left on Metro escalators.
Unseasonable: April to June. A period of unusual weather, either too hot, too cold, too wet, or too dry. Except on the weekends, when it continues to fucking rain, even in the middle of a drought. Since records are set every year, scientists predict that by the year 2050 the Potomac will boil over and freeze
Hell’s Sauna: June to October. Instantly noticeable by the scent of ozone, hydrocarbons, and rotting garbage, and the background noise of area crack dealers murdering one another. Our pigeons and rats spontaneously evolve gills. It is during this season that Congress often makes the best decision it ever makes and leaves town, but not before annually debating whether or not to switch to the Metric system, in order to cool things off. Nevertheless, it still fucking rains on the weekends.
There is one other season, usually of very short duration, known as Vacation. This is when Washington’s weather is temperate, sunny, and divine. You, of course, are out of town during that season, and the weather reverts to its normal state when you return.
