One important thing psychologists say is important is for the folks to talk neutral or positive about each other even if they have knives throats.
Went through this recently. The mother would say what a piece of crap the father was (He was) to the kid. Well, guess what? At 12 the kid says to her, ‘you told me my father was a piece of shit for 12 years’ & now I’m getting to know him & he seems like a nice guy to me & I think you’re a piece of shit for telling me to call my father a piece of shit for 12 years’ kids. True story though.
Yeah, I didn’t talk his dad down or anything, but when my son got into his middle teens, he’d ask why he couldn’t have this or that, and I’d say that we didn’t have money for it, and maybe he should ask his dad to buy it for him (they did have some contact – couple times a year). I think that’s when it started to hit him that it really did make a difference that his dad never paid support (he always knew he didn’t).
I wouldn’t bother sending the pictures. I would send a bailiff though. Children are a responsibility. IMHO, they are the ultimate responsibility. You wanna be absent, fine (well, not really) but you’ll not be absolved of your duties.
I’m sorry for what you’re facing. Wish my ex cared as much about my involvement with my son. She’s put all her resources into driving me away. What a weird world we live in.
Hi Delila. I know what you are going through. I grew up without my dad, and he never paid one dime in child support. I am still ignorant of the circumstances of his and my mom’s break up. (and I’m 29 years old!!) My mom refuses to speak about him.
Anyway, I think your children are old enough to write their own letter to him to let him know whatever they want him to know. Let them write the letters, and you can let them watch you address the envelopes and mail them out. That way they know you are not interfering with their having contact with their dad.
I think it is very important for you to discuss the situation, especially if he doesn’t respond. Be straighforward without “dissing” the dad. I know that can be difficult, especially if he is the jerk he appears to be. Personally, it sounds like your children are better off without him. But I think it is important for you to let them attempt to get in touch with him, so they don’t resent you later on.
Blondie - I did something similar. The kids would ask for things and I would say “I don’t have the money” They would become aggitated so I said, why don’t you call your dad and see if he will make a child support payment? They never called. They know its a hopeless case. He owes them $40K
I’m worried he might try to come into their lives later on down the road. Buying their love. THen I look like the schmuck. Luckily I never talk bad about him. I figure we gave him enough rope to hang himself.
If you tell them you cant afford stuff because he doesnt pay child support, isnt that the same as putting him down?
I havent told the kids their dad doesnt pay - maybe I should, I dont know. I just dont want them to feel any more un-loved and worthless than they do because he doesnt call.
Dewt: can you see your kid at all? I know your ex is a total hag/scum/mucus-filled sore, but dont give up!! Make sure the kid knows you WANT to see him. No matter what she does, child support be damned - dont lose touch! Call him at school, send them mail, something, anything…
Money is just money. The loss of contact with their dad is what is destroying my boys’ self esteem. Please dont give up just because she is awful.
Kellibelli, I don’t think it’s the same as putting him down. A person isn’t making an arbitrary statement like, “your dad is a piece of shit” when they state a fact, that there is no money for the skateboard, bike, nintendo, etc. I see nothing wrong with asking the other parent if they would pony up for something, especially when said parent hasn’t contributed to the basics of the household (ever, in my case. Not even when we were together!) It can also serve as an eye-opener for both the kid and the absentee parent.
NEVER talk bad about him. My dad was somewhat of a deadbeat. Rarely saw my brother and I. Almost never paid a cent. My mom never had a bad word to say about him. Not ever. Later in life he did try to ‘buy’ our love. What he got was in fact very expensive 'thank you’s. And that’s about it. Sure I love him. Despite everything, he’s still my Dad. But he’ll never ever ever be anywhere near the pedestalled Goddess that my Mom was to me. So don’t worry. Keep yourself on the moral high road and things will work out.
Kellibelli, not to worry. NOTHING could make me repeat my fathers mistakes. I’ve been fighting this battle for almost a decade now and believe it or not, I’m starting to get somewhere. I’ve always been involved in my son’s life. It’s been a fight like you wouldn’t believe. (my best friend said I should write a book about it, but I should change stuff so people will believe it) My legal bills/expenses actually amount to more than my mortgage, but I do see him every weekend and most of the summer. In fact we are going to meet tonight online for a little bit of gaming.
The thing that bugs me most is that the money I spent on fighting for my right to be my son’s Dad could pay my child support arrears and cover the cost of a university education for my son. I’d have even prefered all that money go to my ex rather than the freakin lawyers. Ah well, I should have been more careful who I got into bed with.
Reading this thread…I’m terrified. I had my son very young, and his ‘father’ left me when I was pregnant. The father has seen my son exactly twice, both in the first 10 months of the Dumpling of Joy’s life, for about 20 minutes apiece. Bio father used to make the yearly “oh, I want to be involved” call but that has stopped too. All attempts to see him have been half-assed, half-hearted. In the end I decided to raise him on my own - no financial assistance from the father - because I, in my natural defiance, wanted to do it on my own. I didn’t want the father turning up ten years later with a demand to see the child I ‘kept from him’. In some ways it was a selfish decision - I was in love with him, and I couldn’t take the constant emotional rollercoaster anymore - but I also didn’t want my son to have to deal with the same up-and-down loves-me-loves-me-not. It’s worked out okay - with the endless help of my parents, natch.
Well, the Dumpling is getting to the stage where he’s asking questions. He’s noticing many other kids have dads. What I’ve told him is that I had him very young, that his father and I didn’t get along and that the father wasn’t as ready as I was to raise a child, so we decided it was best that I do it by myself. I suppose when he gets older, if he wants to find his father, I will help him. We really don’t talk about it much (he’s only 7) but when he brings it up, I always tell him I’ll tell him the truth about anything he wants to know.
I guess this isn’t adding anything to the discussion but it’s good to know that there are people out there dealing with similar crap.