I am way out of my depth here. My Mother is 84, has been very frail for years, and recently (< 1 week ago) fell walking up the stairs, and broke her clavicle.
So, a big priority is to get her out of their two-story house. But, until I do, I need to convince her that she shouldn’t be climbing the stairs.
One would think that falling and breaking a bone would be evidence enough to get her to stop going up and down stairs, but no - she thinks she’s perfectly capable.
I’ve threatened to barricade the stairs, and give the neighbors the key, and she was pretty upset about that. I may still do it, but I’d love to be able to convince her that she shouldn’t be doing it.
My MIL is also 84 and she’s going blind. But she still drives. She claims she’s OK as long as it’s bright and sunny and she only goes where she knows the way. Well, yeah, she may operate the vehicle OK in such a vacuum, but there are other cars, and pedestrians, and cyclists, and animals… She’s an otherwise intelligent woman who’s being SOOOOOOOO pigheaded about this. And it’s not like she *has *to drive - my FIL is still quite capable of driving safely, as is their adult son who lives with them.
I think her license expires next year - I truly hope the authorities pull it. Yeah, dealing with aging parents can be a major pain in the ass, at the very least.
Yes, that’s part of the near-term plan. I just don’t know if I can pull it off before I have to leave (I live WAY out of state). I know she will fight me on that, too, though!
You guys have to stop treating your parents like infants. People can fall down anywhere. My mother fell out of a chair. If you think the stairs are dangerous then by all means have a conversation about it and see if there’s a safer way to deal with it. But you can’t forbid your parents from walking around their own house.
Resistance to giving up the stairs and driving come from the same place: they both are giving up independence. It’s admitting you need someone to drive you around and go fetch things for you from upstairs. So just keep that in mind in discussing it. They aren’t just denying reality- they are willing to do these things despite the risk to maintain their independence.
I’m one of those people who put his 90-year-old mother into a nursing home against her wishes because it just wasn’t safe for her to be in her own house anymore. While telling my own kids “Don’t you ever do this to me”.
My husband and I know this full well regarding his mother. She’s a stubborn little lady, but fortunately, she’s also law-abiding, so when the state yanks her license, she’ll comply. But in the interim, we worry.
And I think about what will happen when we’re in a similar situation. We live in the boonies - the nearest grocery is about 7 miles away. No public transportation available. No family nearby. The county Dept of Aging does have volunteers who take seniors to appointments and to the store, so that’s a possible option. But I’m hoping when we’re no longer safe behind the wheel, we’ll sell the house and move to a more senior-friendly environment. I’m only 61, so here’s hoping that decision is a ways off…
No real thoughts but good vibes are headed your way. I’m lucky; between my brother and me I’m mothers black sheep so she wouldn’t ever listen to anything I had to say anyway. But I’ve seen the turmoil its put my brother through - trying to help from a thousand miles away. It isn’t a good place to be.
Spoken like someone who hasn’t had to care for aging parents. Of course it doesn’t apply to every aging parent, but many are infants, in a way, and teenagers in other ways. Whether it’s driving, cooking, or over-estimating their ability to perform what had previously been everyday tasks, they stubbornly insist that they can do things they really no longer can’t.
Sadly, many of us will one day be in the same position, unwilling to admit that we are no longer independent and once again need to be cared for and watched over.
Please, please, please don’t wait for that possibility. Please consider those other people and animals and report her to the DMV or to the police. She may hate you for a while, but surely that would be worth possibly saving lives. (This is addressed not just to you, but to anyone with a parent in this situation vis-à-vis driving).
I had to go through this with my father (not due to blindness but just general loss of ability to drive safely), and fortunately he was still able to get around on his Segway and run his errands, without endangering anyone. He didn’t speak to me for 6 months, but eventually he realized that it was for the best.
Okay, I haven’t had to care for aging parents. But they’re not infants, and they’re not teenagers. If they’re not suffering from dementia or other mental illness, then they’re adults who get to make their own decisions in the end.
Trying to persuade them to do things for their own health? THat’s fine. Threatening to block them from making their own decisions, to the extent of barricading their home? Not fine.
An elderly parent has the right to make life choices that you consider unwise. These may include choices that endanger her own life, if those choices allow to remain independent for the remainder of it.
You are making the assumption that they are rational.
In my mother’s case, I don’t think that’s true - she has obvious cognitive impairment, although probably not full-on dementia.
Also, you don’t let someone commit suicide, and letting her climb the stairs is pretty close to that.
Unfortunately, there aren’t “driver’s tests” for living at home. Just like we don’t allow people who are otherwise rational to drive cars without passing a test, I think as her son, that there is a point where I am obligated to say that she is just not able to do activities that might endanger her.
Believe me, we did everything we could - I don’t think I mentioned that we live over 800 miles away. She managed to get a waiver from her eye doc so she could pass the eye exam for her license. My husband talked to her and his dad at length, but it was as effective as talking to their dog. She thinks it’ll be fine as long as she just goes out on bright days to the few local stores she patronizes.
Honest to goodness, I don’t see how the DMV or the doctor could allow this. I guess the doctor doesn’t drive in the same area…
I deal with this for a living, and I still don’t have a great answer for you.
Yes, it’s absolutely about independence, as much as it is habit and actually needing something upstairs. And she does, legally, have the right to use her home as she wishes until and unless you go to court to get her declared incompetent and you her legal guardian. Which, if you truly believe she’s not mentally competent to make safe decisions, you should absolutely do. If not, then you have no legal standing to lock her out of part of her home. And, from a nursing perspective, that’s likely to cause so much distress that it’s likely counterproductive - she’ll probably try to climb over or through it to prove a point.
But what I’d suggest first is focusing on making the stairs as safe as possible. That means sturdy, well attached banisters on both sides of the stairs, no loose carpeting or runners, only well attached carpeting OR wood. If wood, then get her a decent comfortable pair of non-skid slippers or a 12 pack of grippy slipper socks. Remove any throw rugs at the top or bottom of the stairs, as well. Get her a medical alert system and show her how to use it. If she doesn’t go out much, then consider the kind that has a fall sensor on it. If she’s still out of the house a lot, then you want a system that works off cell phone towers, instead of a base located in the home.
Not to be too much of a hardass on you, but you have a responsibility here. When my grandfather was doing this, we called his doctor and told him Grandpa wasn’t fit to drive. The doctor got Grandpa’s license revoked. They do this sort of thing all the time.
It may be much easier on everyone and much quicker than relocating her - have a chair lift installed on the staircase.
Make it a big chair so that a person trying to walk it will have to walk sideways, if necessary, but insist she use it or you will completely block the stairs.
My folks, bless their hearts, were lifelong smokers who died of lung cancer before reaching their dotage.