I just kicked a friend out of my life for insulting my family. Upon reflection it was long overdue. One thing I worried about was the effect removing her from my life would have on other friendships; however, everyone who knows both of us has not merely sighed in relief at no longer having to associate with her in order to associate with me, but commented that they worried about ME for putting up with her for so long.
(The camel-back-breaking straw was the friend’s suggesting that I was trying to create a harem for myself by having my stepdaughter move in with me and my wife.)
He may be flirting, albeit clumsily, or he could just be a passive-aggressive jerk. But I don’t have much patience with people who lob verbal assaults then claim they were just kidding, misunderstood, etc. This guy isn’t in the 4th grade so no, he doesn’t get a pass for social klutziness. He’s an adult and if he feels small and inadequate that’s a pity but it’s also entirely his problem to handle.
Loved ppbth’s solution. It works on so many levels. First, ‘you hurt my feelings’ may be exactly what he intended so why gratify him? Second, it calls him on his shit and does it in a confident way. Third, it sets a wonderful precedent for mocking him mercilessly every time he attacks.
I had one friend–no, more just a frequent acquaintance–who used to do this. I hated it. It was embarrassing as hell even when he pulled it on another target because let’s face it, it’s pretty sick to enjoy making someone feel bad. My circle of friends pretty much neutralized him by making fun of him every time he got nasty. He finally got really bad, very aggressive, so the mockery did too, to the point of mock-solicitous inquiries about whether he was compensating for a penile injury resulting from a failed barnyard tryst, etc. He very much disliked when he became the target of ridicule. He also more drifted away, to everyone’s relief, than stopping his attacks but that was fine too. It was a relief to no longer be an audience for his ego drama.
I have had this tried on me a time or two and trust me when I say most men fuck up the delivery. I am not the kind of woman who would go for the pick up artist set up even if it were delivered perfectly so when they screw it up it is noticably bad. Seriously, just clomp him with your shoe. Even if he doesn’t get the hint at least you got the satisfaction of hitting him!
This sounds more to me like insecurity about his height than anything else. I get a vibe of “Reassure me that you are a freakishly large woman so I don’t feel like a small guy” more than anything else.
The only way to stop people is be BLUNT and tell them “excuse me but I’d pefer it if you didn’t use those terms to describe me.” You have to do this WHEN they are saying it.
It always works. I’ve suggested it to people and it works. Be polite and firm and say “I’m sorry to interrrupt you but I don’t appreciate being refered to in that way.” The stop, they will be mad 'cause you called them out, but so what?
As well as sounding like the only women he’s seen naked were in pics… and you say he’s got a sprog? Are you sure it’s bio-his? Does he think people are made by Xerox, just resize a bit?
I’m average-height for both my HS and college classes (5’4") and I have the smallest feet in both, by a couple sizes. I’m an European 35, UK 3 1/2; the majority use a 38 or 39 and one of the two tallest girls (5’10") is a 42. My grandfather was 6’4" before age shrunk him and he’s a man’s 39…
I agree with most of the others that in part he’s trying to flirt with you. Further, I think pbbth’s suggest is a good one, if only you always deliver those sorts of warnings with a complete dead pan. That will do all the things that Veb said, as well as leave him guessing and insecure to your real meaning. Also a little afraid, which sounds like a good thing in his case.
I don’t know of any male (barring a lifelong close friend) who could get away with saying this to a female friend (note: I am 46 years old. Maybe the 20 somethings all get together and compare breast sizes. I dunno. I only speak for my people).
I found that and the tranny shoe comment to be the oddest ones-he clearly has issues (of old Playboys)–are you sure he’s had sex with another human?
If he and the wife are into polyamory, you’re not off-limits, of course.
A man doesn’t spend time photoshopping your image to improve your appearance if he isn’t interested. His taste isn’t yours, but that’s beside the point.
I think you need to avoid all convos with him, including IM. If you’re chatting, that can be taken as a sign of interest on your part. When you stuck out your tongue at him, that can be taken as flirting. We’ve all had IM conversations where the lack of a tone of voice can make us interpret incorrectly. Some guys are singleminded and interpret as, “If she’s still talking to me, she must be interested.”
I would be totally indifferent to him. I think that’s the best way to extinguish his behavior, unless he won’t drop it, in which case something more drastic may be called for.
why not just say to him “hey, I know you’re just kidding, but you should really work on your delivery. If I was insecure about myself your comments would come across as really insulting rather than just awkward”.
Note: I’m in my 30s Several of my long-term online friends got together for the weekend last summer. Within 10 minutes of reaching the cabin, my best girl friend and I (who I had known for 5 years, but had only met in person once before) were in our master bedroom changing in front of each other and comparing breasts.
This story is known among our friends. So maybe I just give off a vibe that this kind of talk is okay (at least in his head.)
Well, he fancies himself a photographer and has been doing some pick-up work as a photographer’s assistant. I think it was a “look at how uber I am” move on his part that just ended up in a back-handed slap to me.
Just to clarify, this was him commenting on my blog. But I agree, I have no interest after yesterday of conversing with him. Plus, several of my blogger friends jumped all over his butt about the comment after seeing me call him on it - so I don’t think he will be opening his mouth any time soon.
Like a few of you have said, I think some of my friends haven’t said anything because they didn’t see me saying anything - and assumed I was okay with it. Once they realized I wasn’t - they felt free to give him equal parts crap about it.
“I don’t enjoy your continual insults and comments about my body, please stop doing it.”
Rinse, repeat.
I had a somewhat similar issue at a workplace, I was being trained for a job by the incumbent who was going on maternity leave. I was clearly capable of taking on the role, and I think she felt threatened by my competence and so used to point out my mistakes and put me down at any opportunity. I allowed the first few comments to go by unmentioned, but the day she called me ‘a fucking idiot’ was the day I said, “Don’t speak to me like that again”.
Of course, she went the route of “I didn’t mean it like that, don’t be so sensitive”, to which I responded, “I don’t care what you did or didn’t mean, I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that so please don’t do it again”.
First of all, I have a sister who does this as a means of asserting her superiority. Funnily enough, it’s always couched in terms that she’s being “supportive” or helpful. The last hilarious one was, “I just want you to have a good life and have people like you.” Ha! That’s particularly funny since, of all my problems, being generally disliked just is NOT one of them.
Second of all, what IS the deal with people who think they can comment on others’ size? This has always baffled me…from comments about pregnant women, to my favorite annoyance, “You’re so LUCKY you’re petite!” (I’m not lucky, I risked my life having weight loss surgery and I fight like hell to remain normal sized.) I find this phenomenon to be outrageously inappropriate.
Third, the boy clearly wants you…which is very sad for him because he’s also clearly beneath your notice. I picture him drooling as he adjusts numerous photographs of you for his pleasure. Then I see him cackling as he tapes them to the wall over his bed. I’d take advantage of the next couple of opportunities to refer to him as a midget and then never speak with him again.
Ditto. He may be just a clod who thinks it’s good-natured taking the piss out of a friend. Or he’s got the social skills of a third-grader and is showing he likes you by pulling your pigtails. Or most likely, he’s a passive-aggressive shithead.
Next time he comes up with a dumbass zinger, tell him his casual insults are not acceptable humor and to knock it off. If he doesn’t then go ahead and cut him out. You’re probably not the only one who bears the brunt of his asshattery and I’m sure the rest of your social circle will understand and/or will also tell him “Dude, you really have to knock it off.”
lobotomyboy is absolutely correct, and I think you were indeed flirting with him (in his mind) and, by not ignoring him altogether, further enabling him.
If by “not conversing with him” you also have no interest in being friends with him, then this is a good thing. This guy clearly has a crush on you, and you are not only in-bounds, but are not saying no to flirting (again, to his perception). If you have zero interest in this guy romantically, then you need to end the association altogether. It will never get better. Once he realizes you’re not ever going to go “there” with him, he’ll only get bitter and make your relationship worse than it is now–he simply doesn’t have the maturity to get beyond his crush.
Do yourself a favor and get beyond this guy now. Not easy since you run in the same circle, I know, but still necessary.
Several of my long-term online friends got together for the weekend last summer. Within 10 minutes of reaching the cabin, my best girl friend and I (who I had known for 5 years, but had only met in person once before) were in our master bedroom changing in front of each other and comparing breasts.