Dealing with (near) teenage melodrama--post-breakup stress

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

(This is somewhat ironic, given what I said in this thread.)

Recently, I ended a somewhat dysfunctional relationship with a girlfriend of a year and a half. I thought I was doing fine–I saw old friends, threw myself into school, and took up playing an instrument again. I rejoined a couple of clubs I enjoyed in my last school-year, to boot. She and I haven’t interacted since the split.

Then I found out that my ex is dating again, six weeks since the breakup. That should be fine, right? I mean, I was really the initiator of the breakup. Yet, I’m taking it really, really hard. All my usual signs of intense upset are present–constant distraction, inability to sleep, loss of appetite, the works.

A mutual friend of ours, to whom I turned for some support, says that she’s never heard of the new guy, and that my ex mentions me frequently, since she feels there were “unresolved issues.” It doesn’t sound like she’s still interested; it’s just that she wants some more closure, I guess.

I’m really confused. I don’t know how to act–to get back in touch; to bite my lip and try to ignore my inexplicable pain; to curl up in a ball for a while; to try dating, myself (that one would be a rather unhealthy option, given my emotional state); to take a few weeks to come to terms with it, then get in touch; or something else entirely. I also don’t know why I’m feeling this way–I guess it’s a mixture of irrational guilt, anxiety, feelings of rejection, jealousy, loss… the works.

I’m not sure what advice I’m looking for. From all corners, friendsjust say “get over it,” but in my whiny state, it seems like I have to do something more than that. Whenever I’m bummed out, I am never able to really believe that everything will pass and I’ll feel fine, no matter how many times the sadness has passed.

As might be obvious, I find some catharsis just in sharing.

2

Well, I have to agree with your friends. You need to get over it. Let it go. Don’t get in touch and move on with your life.

Breakups are always hard, even if you were the initiator. This too shall pass…it really will.

3

Even when you’re the one who initiates the breakup, it still sucks when the other person starts dating again first. When I broke up with my boyfriend last year, I was thrilled that it was over. I was sooooooo over him. But when he started seeing someone else a month later, I *completely * lost my shit. No matter how much I didn’t want him, I still didn’t like the idea of being replaced so soon, and I HATED the idea that he had someone else and I didn’t, which seemed to me to reflect negatively on my own attractiveness or worth. Did I mention that I was insane? Because, um… yeah.

So we got back in touch, and a whole metric assload of badness ensued. His new relationship went to shit, our relationship, which had ended on really good terms and remained amicable, was irreparably damaged, and everyone wound up in a much worse place than where we started.

So please trust me when I tell you to leave her alone. Right now you’re just suffering from a bad case of “but she’s supposed to be pining for meeeeeeeeeeee!!!” irrational jealousy, and it WILL pass, if you let it.

4

DianaG, it’s “nice” to hear that I’m not alone in my reaction. Everyone keeps doing the “but… you broke up with her” thing, which just makes me feel like a freak for being jealous.

5

No problem. You’re not crazy. Well, I mean, you’re a *little * bit crazy, but only because you’re human. :wink:

Hang in there, and good luck.

6

I think that’s the hardest part of going through a lot of these emotions for the first time. The conceit of youth makes it really easy to feel like I’m totally alone in feeling how I do. Plus, there’s that gap between recognising something intellectually and really believing it.

7

Even when you initiate a breakup, your pride is still hurt when your ex dates someone else- it’s natural. Who else could there be in her world but you? A substitute for you is a blow to your uniqueness on some level, and it stings.

And remember this one thing:

“Closure” is a myth.

There is no discrete moment that signals a turnaround. There is no turnaround.

It hurts a little less until it stops hurting, and one day you wonder when the last time you thought about her was, and it’s puzzling to you that you can’t remember.
A conversation about why/how the relationship ended will accomplish nothing except set back the abovedescribed process. Avoid it.
Breaking up sucks, but it happens. Let it go.

8

What everyone else has said, plus something that I heard that really resonated with me - “There is no absolute certainty.” You did what you thought was best at the time; you will have very few moments in your life when you are absolutely, 100% sure that you did the best thing. You just have to remember that you’re muddling through like everyone else, and trust that you did what you did for good reasons.

Have you seen the movie “When Harry Met Sally?” It can practically be used as a guide to dating and relationships. I suggest you watch it (again, if you’ve seen it already), paying particular attention to the scene where Sally loses it when her ex gets married.

Hang in there. Keep doing what you’re doing, and try not to think too much about your ex - there’s no benefit to that.

9

Thanks for the reassurance, everybody. I’ll have to check out that movie, featherlou. Right now I’m also dealing with the fact that I never really liked her new guy, anyway. It’s a big blow to my self-esteem, in a way. I mean, if I really respected him, at least I could feel like I had meant enough to be “replaced” like that. I’m not sure if that comes out as incredibly angsty, but it’s definitely part of how I’m feeling right now.

10

What everybody else said.

I was the one who initiated the break-up, and even before my ex was apparently hooking up with someone else I felt terrible, because he was acting so broken up about it. I spend a while in irrational jealousy (and laughing at myself for it), but now I’ve basically come to pretend he doesn’t exist.

Yeah, yeah, not the best way to cope, but who says dating is easy?

11

Why not pretend he doesn’t exist? Some people stay friends after break-ups and all that, but some of us are perfectly fine with completely moving on.

12

I would like to expand on this…
Closure isn’t something you get from someone else. You give yourself closure. You make the decision to end things, or you decide to stop thinking about the other guy, or you decide to start living your life again.
You don’t need that last conversation, that final meeting, that goodbye hug, or fuck, or whatever. Closure begins when you decide it begins.

Why hinge your life on someone else’s actions? What if you make that final phone call, and there’s no answer? Do you wait? Do you try again? Why bother wasting your life for that other person?

13

Eh, you’d probably feel just as bad if this guy was Superman. Just a hunch. (Though there definitely are occasions when you just know you’re not meant to be with someone and genuinely happy when they find a better match.) It is such an odd feeling, to share special moments with someone where you feel like you’re in sync, soul mates, or whatever you want to call it… and to know that they’ve either had these before (exes) or will have them again (post- break up). It can make you cynical, knowing someone’s said ‘I love you’ before to an SO, or might say it again. I think part of it is our culture of monogamy, the idea that you can have lots of friends, jobs, children, but only one SO. I’m as much a part of it as anyone, though.

Anyway, bitching about it online and to friends is probably about all you can or should do.

14

I figured that bitching online would give me some outlet that didn’t involve boring people I actually knew ;). What makes her (my ex) especially hard to forget is that our paths frequently cross at the university. Just seeing her brings back all the angst I feel like I should have left behind in high school.