I’ve really tried hard from posting threads about my self-development lately…trying not to make it public anymore. But I really would like to know if anyone has advice on controlling one’s emotions. I won’t go into any specific examples anymore but here is the deal. I have really strong emotions and often they can just take control of me. As an example, the other night a couple of events happened while hanging out with a friend that made me upset me (Some stuff in a conversation, and something on social media). Anyways…I didn’t breakdown or anything…but I started to lose focus as that upset feeling in the pit of my stomach was distracting me. Eventually I just decided to leave early so as not to be a bad conversationalist. I went home and was paralyzed by some anger and sadness for awhile. Now it’s the next day and I feel mostly better. This is a pattern though, and I’d like to learn how to handle my emotions in a better way. Especially when socializing.
Here are the things I currently do:
Exercise almost every day (I’ve lost around 25 pounds this year.)
Eat very healthy
Journal after significant emotional events
Have a good support network of friends (though I hate to ask for it, like they need to hear about my problems)
Rarely do I get drunk or drink more than one beer socially.
I’ve never tried meditation. Would that help? Any books on the matter? Is this called emotional strength or intelligence? Thanks.
You need to be able to control your anger/fear/whatever in the moment, so that you can think about it and process it in due time. To do this, try “square breathing”- inhale for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, hold it for 4 seconds. This slows you down, gives you something to focus on, and puts the brakes on the fight or flight response. You could also look up cognitive behavioral therapy- there’s enough info online about it that you can learn and practice the basics of it without paying for the therapy.
I am with those who understand emotions are the end result of first our belief system and then our thinking process. You want to change the way you feel, change the way you think. There are a tons of books on the subject.
In the instance you gave where you were angry and sad. What were thinking that tied into the anger and sadness
I was essentially thinking that I had low value and worth (the conversation and events revolved around personal and career rejection). Also feelings of regret regarding past decisions.
Control is the key element, and that is often easier said than done. Even politicians and celebrities, used to being in the public eye, find their emotions too strong to contain in interviews or one-on-one conversations.
Part of it is practice - here on the SDMB I am sure you have responded to some subject that has special meaning for you, and perhaps you spent a long time typing that response. This kind of outlet helps - it shows you how to take a breath, put your thoughts in a coherent form, back up your beliefs with documentation or first hand experience, and have thick enough skin to read the responses.
Now trying to do this in a conversation can be a challenge, but often the same rules hold true - take a breath (don’t just blurt out what you want to say) and gather your thoughts together. Make sure you want to make your point in front of that person/group and also determine if it is worth making the point. Will it change anything or is it pointless? Will it make you feel better or worse?
I think everyone here has, at some point, typed out some lengthy response to a question or comment here on the board and then - deleted the whole thing. At some point you got the catharsis of having written what you wrote, but at the same time, you might have some epiphany or realization that your comments are not productive nor worth the effort after all. Sometimes it really is good to just walk away.
First of all, this is an eternal, human problem. The fact that you are asking this and struggling with it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. I have struggled with these things my whole life, so you are to be commended for investigating methods to help you navigate through life. You will always have emotions and sometimes they will be painful. Remember this: you are not your feelings. You are like the ground or the ocean and your feelings are like clouds that pass across the sky and soon change to something else.
Like Alice said, buy yourself some time and wait out the feeling. It will change. Sometime you can get enough distance in the moment if you say to yourself “Something in me is hurt/angry” instead of “I am hurt/angry.”
This technique is from a modality called “Focusing,” which you can find out more about on the internet. Anne Weiser Cornell has a website on it. There are other techniques, too, but this one is simple and user-friendly.
If you didn’t flounce out of the party histrionically and didn’t instantly start thinking about suicide and self-harming, then you aren’t doing THAT bad for yourself, IMHO.
see if you can track it back to a belief you have about having low value and worth, it is not easy but doable. Once you ID that belief you can challenge it, redefine it and change it.
I didn’t like that I had to leave to deal with my emotions. I left in a way that was very respectable and casual, but I would have liked to be have had the strength to stay, and then when the hangout ended I could head home and deal with my emotions on my own schedule. I also would like not to have been so paralyzed by them that I had a horrible sleep and an unproductive morning. They just overwhelm me at times. I’m okay with having a good cry at home in privacy, but I don’t want these emotions to inhibit my socializing and image.
I think I have PTSD. I haven’t been diagnosed, but I have had issues with intrustive thoughts and flashbacks for years. I have a lot of anger and hate I can’t let go of.
I remember reading about EMDR years ago, and I have done it at home on myself for less intense traumas many years ago. But I just re-remembered the technique a couple weeks ago. I’ve been doing some at home EMDR and I have an appointment with a therapist next week.
So far, just from doing it on myself my emotions aren’t as overwhelming. The intrusive thoughts have gone down at least 60% in just the last week of doing it at home on myself. I hope when I see the therapist and we work together I will get even more resolution.
Neuroscientists aren’t exactly sure how it works for traumatic memories, but the speculation is traumatic memories cause the amygdala to reduce activity in the hippocampus, the eye movements increase activity in the hippocampus which allows memories to be processed.
Something I did not see mentioned here and may have a technical name I am not aware of is to intellectualize every situation. Allow yourself to be consiously aware of the results or outcome you might expect from reacting the way your emotions are telling you to react.
Force yourself ( acting) to react in a manner you feel will yield more positive results. The positive results you start to achieve will quickly imprint in your brain and start becomming natural much more quickly than you might think. This method kind of bi-passes the need to go back and try to figure out why you handle things the way you do.
Do you drink any caffeinated beverages? Caffeine is a nervous system stimulant and can magnify problems greatly. Sometimes people are very sensitive to even small amounts of caffeine. Possibly if you do drink coffee, tea, etc. you could try an experiment and go for six months or so without it, and see if it helps. I understand how you feel, as at times in my life, I have been around people that were very hard, if not impossible, to get along with.
I’m surprised that you do all these things and still believe that you can’t handle your emotions. Usually, people who have problems with emotions do unproductive things to distract themselves from their emotions. And some people with emotional issues are not fortunate enough to have a good support network of friends.
I want to emphasize that your problems are not terrible and you sound like your in good shape.
That said, as someone who has gone through much worse issues with social anxiety than you have (I did not eat healthy and had no friends), I feel like I should advise you on what has helped me.
I wasted a lot of time on the internet reading things that were no help whatsoever. The things that really did help boil down to just three highlights:
A therapist explained to me where my thoughts to avoid people were coming from. It was due to some shit that went down in my past. I never made the connection, but once the connection was made it was pretty obvious.
I read and learned more about emotional intelligence. The first thing I’ve ever read on the subject was this free ebook. You can read that if you want, or you can read the book by Daniel Goleman, which is the most popular book on the subject.
The best book I’ve read on the subject, however, is A Guide to The Present Moment. It’s only $2.99 for the Kindle edition, and it has great reviews.
The most important idea in all those books is the following: Your circumstances do not trigger your emotions, your thoughts do. Learn to control your thoughts and you will learn to control your emotions.
I practiced the advice that I learned from the books.
I’m not perfect, but I’m a lot better than I was before. Keep in mind that no one can achieve total control over their emotions, and some people with mental health issues have very little hope of controlling their emotions at all. I hope this post helps. Good luck.
At the end of every journal session, I have a section for gratitude. I think of three things that day that I am truly thankful for. I’ve found that’s been really putting things into perspective for me.
I strongly feel that emotions are not to be controlled, they are to be experienced. At its essence, an emotion is a collection of physical sensations that we associate with certain kinds of thoughts. Think of your body like an ocean, waves coming and going. What you can learn is not to focus so singlemindedly on the thoughts that come along with your emotion. They are just thoughts, not indicative of any greater truths. It’s possible to feel an emotion, acknowledge it, and then continue with whatever you were doing. If you’re interacting with others, try to be fully in that moment and with your attention on the other person. Do not attempt to change your emotions. Just let them be.
I say this as someone who has improved a lot in my ability to cope with emotion. I still get bowled over sometimes, but for the most part I’ve learned to accept that strong emotions are just a part of life. I have a rule that helps. I declare a moratorium on decisions when I am feeling emotionally overwhelmed. I have learned to recognize when I am not rational enough to trust my own thoughts. This means if I am in the middle of doing something, or about to do something, and suddenly feel emotionally overwhelmed, I have committed to carrying on with whatever I’m doing, whether that’s going to a movie or cleaning the kitchen. I do this because I recognize in that moment I am not capable of making an informed decision to stop. My goal is not to be reactive. I’m not going to let a temporary physical sensation dictate to me what my life is about.
Thanks everyone. I really have made alot of progress. I think that night was an especially bad night. I’ve been pretty good since, although because I’m on summer holidays I have to really be conscious of keeping myself relatively productive and reminding myself it’s okay to be in transition to a new kind of work life. The hardest part for me these days is reminding myself it’s okay for me to be different than other people, and that the past is the past. All that matters is the present moment. It’s a constant battle inside me. Your advice means a lot and I’ll consider all of your suggestions. Thank you.