Dealing with passive-aggressive people

In My Humble Opinion
41

I would stress that you aren’t asking John to pick you over Tim or anything. He’s entitled to his opinions about him, continue hanging out with him, etc. But we all have different reactions to people, we interact differently with different people, and Tim is just not someone you enjoy being around.

I’m kind of with you on just avoiding Tim. However, since I don’t have to fight the fight, I counsel that you don’t. I mean, he’s the jerk and I’d rather you prevail over him…don’t let niceness lose to evil :mad:

I wonder what the reactions of others in the room are. E.g. when he makes a “joke,” do they laugh? If not, when you say that you didn’t realize it was a joke, you might tack on, “Nobody else laughed, either.” If he protests that the rest of you don’t have a sense of humor, you might respond, “Wasn’t it Robin Williams who said, ‘You can pretend to be serious, but you can’t pretend to be funny.’?”

People in this situation often have a formulated sentence structure, e.g. you do realise, that they fall back on to “prove” that it was a joke. You could attack that, show him that it’s trite, predictable, and makes him look stupid. Start peppering your speech to others, including your responses to him, with it, pausing slightly for the :rolleyes: effect. Use it in the most senseless contexts. Like if you’re on the elevator and someone pushes the button for floor 1, say, “You do realize I’m getting off on floor 1 like everyone else?”

If he escalates it, you can always say, “I don’t know what your problem is, but I bet it’s hard to pronounce.” :wink:

42

Some people seem unable to see their own ego without flattening everybody else’s. I don’t see anything wrong with telling John outright that you don’t care for Tim. Maybe it is all hypersensitive, maybe it isn’t but either way it’s your life and if Tim were a pet and not a person you would be quite entitled to say you just can’t stand dogs/cats/snakes/spiders. My brother used to be surrounded by people where it was just his way and alright when you get to know him. Well it wasn’t my way and I don’t want to get to know him (and usually they were more all wrong than alright).

I went out with a paranoid schizophrenic for some years and I don’t think it can be fixed. There are situations where the best answer is to run away. I didn’t and it ended with a criminal conviction - for me! There are things that when you look back on them come out so bizarre that the natural reaction is that people don’t do or say things like that - so you must be the nutter.

Out of interest, do P-A’s feel particularly drawn to message boards? Especially highly moderated ones? I seem to have run into more of them there than even working with people with mental problems. It is a wonderfully supportive environment because they can repeat something out of context or put a slant on it never intended or outright lie about earlier conflicts and any kind of honest response is either unacceptable or leads to martyred accusations of practising precisely their tactics.

I can’t call them Trolls because those appear from nowhere just to cause trouble where these often manage to dominate their board while accusing any disagreement with them of being an attempt to dominate the board because you cannot bear disagreement (ideally by ‘type’ rather than personally, so because they are English, Foreign, Women, Black etc etc - never because they are raving Arschenlöcher that only a devoted following believes keeps the Sun and Moon up there). I call them Kobolds

43

I emphatically prefer option 1. Which he knows.

Also, as I’ve said, he’s not telling me in case it’s a mistake–he’s rubbing it in that I’ve screwed up again. He’s admitted as much to me. He knows it’s not a mistake to throw, for example, a crumpled-up envelope away–we’re not talking bank statements or letters, here.

Anyway, it’s not a big deal, really. Since I’m really making an effort to correct my own messy behavior, it hardly ever comes up. But I am human and I do slip up sometimes, and it’s just mildly annoying to me how hubby chooses to deal with it when I do. But we talk about it and he’s working on his side, too. We’re a happily-married couple, I swear!

But enough with the high-jack. Sorry, OP!

44

In that case, if you’ve both agreed that the rule is “Honey, go clean up your mess.” then, yeah, he’s being a dick (not a major dick, just a wee prick) about it. As long as you both follow the rules. If he says “please go clean up your mess.” and you do it right away, then you’re both upholding your end of the bargain. If he says “please go clean up your mess” and you say “I will,” but it’s still going to sit there until you eventually get around to it, it’s not fair. IMHO.

ETA: My fiancee and I have an issue with one of my bad habits. We have a rule that she can not use sarcasm to advise me that I’ve gone and done it again, I’m not allowed to get defensively annoyed in return. It’s working well. Bad habit is waing and we’re not fighting about it.

45

Like flies to excrement. It’s the ideal environment to avoid physical confrontation and to obfuscate motive.

46

I thought I should point out that some guys who are close friends do make jokes at each other’s expense. But their relationship is usually such that they are confident enough with each other to give it right back. For example, any of the characters in Entourage.

If you don’t have the sort of relatioship or you are particularly sensitive or if it manifests itself at inappropriate times, then it can come across as extremely jerkish behavior.

47

Jerkstore.

But seriously… I’m thankful that I must have a hard enough face and surly disposition that no one ever tries this crap on me. Since the direct confrontation didn’t work out, how about a drink in the face?

48

I have always thought of passive aggression as something you discover after they are gone, like screwed up settings on your computer. I had a coworker like that. But this guy blurts out rude shit, that is just blatant dickishness/aggression. It sounds to me like he enjoys making others awkward, as if it empowers him. I feel like I know the guy described in the OP. My approach lately has been to call things what they are. For example, some mean-spirited sarcastic mockery should be followed with “Well, that was rude.” Just to reflect back upon him the asshole spotlight.

49

Could you please provide the translation for Arschenlöcher.

50

Yeah, sure. You can deal with passive-aggressive people if you want. Sounds like a great idea. Good luck with that. I’m sure it won’t be socially crippling and emotionally destructive.

51

I think you should just tell John that you don’t want to spend too much time with Tim. My best friend has another good friend that I don’t get on with at all. She knows I don’t, so it’s not an issue. If they are doing stuff together, I don’t go with them, and just see her at other times. Sometimes there is a special event that she wants us both there for (like her birthday ) and then I am polite to the guy, but otherwise ignore him. My friend knows I don’t like him, so as long as we don’t actually fight, she figures we’re doing OK. My guess is that John will be similarly fine with it, as long as you don’t try and make it his problem (like e.g. he has to choose between you, or make Tim behave).

52

…

53

Thanks for all the responses, guys. I’m catching up with John tomorrow, and I think I will explain how I feel to him, while being absolutely clear that his continued friendship with Tim is absolutely ok with me.

54

No, it’s not wrong to want to just cut him off. I think playing games with him will egg him on. He’ll start baiting you even more. You can either give complete silence after his remarks, or a direct statement, “you’re not funny; please stop it” or completely avoiding settings where you’ll have to interact with him.

Guys like that are insecure cowards.

55

I really think that’s the best approach. The other, more confrontational, options may work for some people, but other people you just can’t change.

For instance, I could have sat H down and told her that the only topic of conversation she seems to feel is worth discussing is H, and that it makes her unpopular with pretty much everyone but E (no, it’s not just me that feels that way – I could tell stories!). What would that have done? It would have made H feel bad, and she would have run crying to E, and that in turn would make me look bad, even though I may have sincerely desired to help H with her social problem.

I could also have confronted H in public, by steadily switching the subject back to the original topic of conversation without diverting it to H. I have done so. H is absolutely oblivious that this is occurring, and because she’s not afraid to shout in public, will override everything I’m saying. So when I made a pointed effort not to allow H to rule conversation, that usually makes me look like a bitch, and H doesn’t notice so she hasn’t learned a damn thing and will never change.

Best thing to do is just shut these people out of your life and go on your merry way.

(Oh, and I also know how to spell narcissistic!)

56

:nodding: I’ve worked with people like this, and the “neutral, slightly confused, enquiring tone” is probably the best way to deal with it. If they continue, you continue. Eventually Sarcastic Guy/Girl will set their sights on somebody else (at least that’s what always happened with me).

57

Of course you can choose to avoid this behaviour, if that’s your preference.

However, I would say this… If you’re the only person he really does this to, then it’s not just about his behaviour, it’s about yours as well. By that I mean that there’s something about the way you act around him that has given him the right signals to know that you’re the sort of person he can bully. Because that’s what this behaviour is, if it’s only directed towards you. It’s not passive-aggressive, it’s bullying. It’s him making you change the way that you behave, so that you don’t have to deal with the way he behaves.

On the other hand, if he does this to everybody, then he’s more of a general asshole than bully and I would understand your decision to avoid spending time around him.

58

He definitely does it to most people around him, although he does seem to have special “targets”. For example, my girlfriend complained to me about him after a social gathering that occurred on the weekend gone by, and my girlfriend has only met him 3 or 4 times, yet she’s already noticed the behaviour.

It’s going to be impossible for me to absolutely avoid this guy due to our close mutual friend, so I guess I will give the confused, bewildered response thing a go next time I see him. To be honest, I am trying to play such scenarios out in my head, and it just seems too easy that my apparent “naivity” will just be more ammo for him to use to attack, but what the hey, let’s see what happens.

59

The most telling thing you’ve said is that he admits that he likes to get you riled up. This means for him it’s fun, while for you it is annoying, bordering on torment. All scenarios lead to “wins” for him and “losses” for you. And your losses hurt, while his wins are just amusing.

The only technique I’ve ever been able to use in this situation is to simply accept defeat. And be sarcastic myself. Thus when he makes that type of comment I say in my sweetest southern drawl “One point for you, honey chile. Bless your heart, you worked so hard to make me feel small and stupid. And you did it again–I’m such an easy target, I am, I am. Will we get another chance soon to see you boost your ego by disguising rude and hurtful comments by saying you were joking (teasing)? Why, bless your heart, I expect we will.”

And to anything he says in response, you can say “No, No, you’ve won this round. There’s really nothing more to say.”

It seems to take some of the satisfaction away by bringing the whole nasty game out into the open. And it helps me not get sucked into rounds two and three. :slight_smile:

60

As we say on another MB I belong to… “bless your heart” – it’s Southern for Fuck You.