Short version: When someone sees the world as all black, is the proper way to deal with that psychological problem to only talk about what’s white and banish all talk of black things?
Long version:
Two threads on other forums lead me to this question.
In the first one, there is a man with (apparently) body dysmorphic disorder who, even though he’s handsome by most accounts, sees himself as quite ugly. He generally cares too much what others think of him and feels a lot of anxiety related to that.
The way I and some others have been talking to him is by saying that yes, there are situations where what others think of you matters and the way you look has an impact on the way others perceive you (e.g; job interviews, court appearances) . There are also situations where you shouldn’t care what others think of you. There are situations where you should care but much less than you currently do. There is a middle ground between crippling anxiety and not giving a fuck.
A second group has been talking to him and their only message is “Don’t care. Just don’t care”. They seem to think that any acknowledgement that what others think of you sometimes matters and that the way you look sometimes matters is just feeding the dysmorphic guy’s delusions.
In another situation, there was a woman going on about how, since she is hurt when her boyfriend watches porn, she should be able to (physically) hurt him when he watches porn. As you may expect, she was challenged on that. Her response was that her therapist said that whatever she feels is justified. Presumably, the therapist had not heard the patient’s theory about physically hurting her boyfriend.
It seems that the woman in question was in the habit of doubting herself a lot. Her being extremely upset and hurt that her boyfriend watched porn suggests serious insecurities. The therapist’s way of dealing with that self-doubt seems to have been to tell the woman that whatever she felt was justified.
The way I would have dealt with it is by establishing that in some situations what one feels is justified and in others it isn’t and try to get the person to determine when it’s justified and when it isn’t. It’s not black & white. If I feel that everyone must call me “Michael Emouse, Esquire”, that doesn’t make it so, even if I were to feel it very strongly.
I prefer my way of first acknowledging the reasonable parts of someone’s self doubts if there are any. If someone feels anxiety about how they’re perceived, I first acknowledge that there are situations where caring about what others think of us makes sense. And then I make sure to follow it up with a second part about how in other situations we shouldn’t care or care in specific, limited ways.
Is that the best way? I can see how acknowledging that there are situations where others’ perceptions are important could be taken by the afflicted individual as a confirmation of all their distorted thinking. When dealing with someone who has severely negatively distorted thoughts and feelings, it may be effective to deny even the accurate negative thoughts and feelings.
If the reality is shades of grey and someone sees everything in black, you may first pretend everything is white. Once the person has gotten out of their “everything is black” thinking, then you can start adding nuance.
I can see the merit of that method. Yet it seems as mistaken as the problems it seeks to solve. A person can hurt themselves and others as much by thinking “Everything I feel is justified” as by thinking “Nothing I feel is justified”. A man who thinks “Others’ perception of me don’t matter” will likely run into problems, though not of the same type as the man who is dysmorphic and feels great anxiety from others’ perception of him. Countering simplistic negative thoughts with simplistic positive thoughts may lead to an equal but opposite set of problems.
What do you think is the best way of dealing with severe distorted thoughts, insecurities and doubts? Are there different strategies that work best in some situations but not in others?