Dear Abby: I’ve been trying to get a girl who will get me rocking and rolling, rocking and reeling. I tried Betty Sue (or was it Mary Lou?) and I knew she wouldn’t do. What do I do–Washed-up-on-the-the-Beach Boy, California
Dear Abby,
While tearing off a game of golf I may make a play for the caddy. But when I do I don’t follow through 'cause my heart belongs to Daddy. If I invite a boy, some night, to dine on my fine finnan haddie, I just adore his asking for more, but my heart belongs to Daddy.
Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy, so I simply couldn’t be bad. Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy, Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dad! So I want to warn you, laddie, though I know you’re perfectly swell, that my heart belongs to Daddy, 'cause my Daddy, he treats me so well. He treats it and treats it, and then he repeats it, yes, Daddy, he treats it so well.
Little Cole
Dear Little Cole,
Where is your mother when this is going on? Find yourself a trusted adult, perhaps a teacher, give them this letter and tell them you wrote it. And just remember, you did nothing wrong; this is not your fault.
Abby
P.S. That trusted adult might also help you with your stuttering.
Dear Brandy,
Given your obsession with appearances, I’d suggest staying away from the looking glass.
–Abby
Dear Brain Damaged,
You sound like a real lunatic, but stay on the path.
–Abby
Dear Washed,
Take Barbara Ann’s hand.
–Abby
Dear Abby,
My boyfriend hears me calling, but he can’t come home right now. He and the boys are playing and they just can’t find a sound. He tells me to wait just a few more hours and he’ll be right home to me. But then he thinks he hears them calling.
What can he do?
Tired of waiting,
Beth
Dear Abby,
Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup. They slither wildly as they slip away across the universe! Help!
John L.
Dear Abby,
Help! I need somebody. Help! Not just anybody. Help! You know I need someone. Help!
Dear Beth,
Not to sound too catty, but it’s time to kiss him off.
–Abby
Dear John,
Nothin’s gonna change your world, even if you cross the universe.
–Abby
Dear Anonymous,
You know, when I was younger, so much younger than today, I never needed anybody’s help in any way.
–Abby