I dated her for two months. Not exactly a lifetime I know, but I am 27 and I put all the experience and wisdom I had into this relationship. I was very respectful, something she had not recieved in the past. O.K. So lets be honest - “I was respectful” = my main goal was not to get into her pants. My friends joked, but I was serious, I wanted more than a dip in the pool. I liked her. A lot. We had a great time together. She was adventerous and creative. I am logical and straight forward. I was not in love, but it was a possibility.
I gave much to this relationship. My time, my money, my life . . . my heart. I wanted this to work. She has an abusive past and I heard out all of her past pain. I felt that pain. She deserved to be treated like a godess, to be shown what a real man could be like. I did all of this. All I wanted in return was her affection, time and truth.
On Saturday she called and said she was getting her nails done at the salon (I like girly girls). Then it all stopped. She never called back. She will not take my calls nor return them.
HUH ???
I am certain I did nothing wrong. I wanted this to work. I have left three messages (I am not the stalker type). She has not acknowledged any of them.
I suppose that will be the end of it. I can do no more. Still . . . .you know . . . . . . WTF ???
Maybe she liked you, too. Maybe she equates trust with abuse. Maybe she was starting to trust you, and that scared her. Knowing that not every man is a abuser is a hard thing to learn.
You didn’t ask for advice, so I won’t give you any. Here’s a resounding “That sucks, man.” If you were a chick, I’d say eat lots of Ben and Jerry’s and watch Meg Ryan movies. As it is, drink lots of beer and watch…um…porn? And consider yourself virtually hugged.
As a girl I can say that women are very confusing. I find that sometimes I do not make sense to me, let alone the men in my life!! It sounds like what SwimmingRiddles says, she might be scared. Try not to take it personally, you sound like a great guy. Hope you feel better, mmmm BEER!
Maybe she is busy? Sometimes they get busy & sometimes they are just testing your patience to see how much you like them. No offense, could be PMS too. Wait a couple weeks, give her a call when you know shes there & say ‘long time no hear from you, how are things?’ Be nice, any clue of anger in your voice is sure to work against you.
Don’t call her anymore, not until she makes a move in your direction. She’s obviously wanting to be by herself, or she’s found someone else, or hell, maybe she’s just out of town and forgot to tell you.
How long has it been since she’s stopped calling?
Sorry to hear about that, though. Sometimes girls (and guys) will act squirrely for absolutely no reason.
Coldie’s post is a Roman equilivent to the effect of “Women are fickle.”
Alright, advice. This chick has issues, my friend. It is possible she just decided she doesn’t like you, and is too chicken to have the “I really don’t think it’s gonna work out” conversation. It’s possible you did something that is so tiny that you didn’t notice, but to her, it was something huge. It’s possible she met someone else.
Or what I said before is possible, in which case you can either decide she’s too much of a whack-job to bother with, or that she is worth possibly looking like an asshole. You could write her a letter, telling her that if she doesn’t want to see you, that’s fine, but you’d like to know if it’s anything you did. Tell her that she doesn’t have to see you, but you’re worried you did something. Tell her that you’re worried, as a friend, that she’s hurt. Calling her isn’t going to get you anywhere, when I don’t want to talk to a guy, I’m pretty good at making that not happen. But if you write her a letter, you are able to express yourself and give her total control of the situation, which is something abuse victims don’t usually get. Make sure your address is there so she doesn’t have any excuse. Then let her decide what to do. But be prepared to write her off if she decides to be a coward and not address this. If that’s the case, she’s not who you thought she was, anyway.
Dude, That Sucks. I feel for you. [cynical mode] Some people will run from somthing that seems too good, but cling to something that is hopelessly flawed because "maybe he/she will change (I am -not- talking about you, in this case nothingman, just your wacky ex) It is not nice, it is not ideal, in fact, it really sucks, because no matter what you do, you can’t fix it. You just can’t. I know you think it sucks. I know I think it sucks. I suspect she thinks it sucks, but it won’t change. The only way you could keep her talking to you is to be a jerk, and then she would cling to you hoping you would change. I don’t think you would do that, because I figure you (like myself) are basically a nice guy, and you would hate yourself for being like that. [/cynical mode] I have been there. I know you have heard this a bunch of times, but try to get over it, the best way is to keep yourself busy doing something/anything. It is too easy to feel sorry for yourself if you are not busy. Try to learn from it, and if you can’t think of something to do, just go for a walk. The excercise will help keep your mind off of the situation, and those endorphin things from the excercise won’t kill you either. (I have never found excercising for health reasons to be very motivating). I know you think she was wonderful. (and indeed she was, I am sure) but a person who suddenly ignores you like that (and dammit, if you actually -did- something, you would expect a person to cuss you out a bit, or at least confront you!) is not someone you probably want to hang out with. It’s just weird. I had a girlfriend (who I was nuts about) who broke up with me because she and I had differing opinions about the bombing of Hiroshima and Nagasaki. I was crushed. She was cute, I loved holding hands with her and the feel of her snuggling up to me while we watched a movie, and I drove to see her every weekend (about 100 miles each way). It was a stupid reason to break up with me. I have changed my opinions somewhat on the subject of the atomic bombings in WWII, but you know what? I don’t think that was the reason she broke up w/me. I think it was just an excuse. Maybe not though, who knows? I didn’t think so at the time, but I am better off without her. Things will get better nothingman! Hang in there. You will make it through with flying colors!
i sympathize with you nothingman, i’m going through post breakup stuff myself right now. Hot and cold flashes of depression, heart aches, among other things. i feel for ya. i like coldfire’s line there. woman are not stable IMO. Never met one that was. Maybe it’s got to do with emotions, and hormones… i dunnow. but hang in there. if you feel like sharing more or just need a sounding board, ya got my email. and hey, it’s not love that stinks or sucks. its the chicks that break our hearts that stink.
there.
go listen to swiddles, she’s right. aristocratically correct. and cute too.
i’m with ya man.
You are most definitely not alone, NothingMan. If I had a dime for all the times I’d waited for my phone to ring and it didn’t, I’d be really rich by now. Well, I’d be a dimeaire, anyway.
It sounds to me like you’re suffering from Knight-in-shining-armour syndrome. Knock it off. Trust me, you will never, ever be able to “prove” to her how great men and love can be if she hasn’t dealt with her issues on her own. This is not something you can fix. Ever. She has to do it herself, and clearly she is still struggling with it. Stop trying to save her from her past. It ain’t gonna happen.
You asked for advice, and as much as you might not like what I am about to say, I’ll say it anyway. Run. Run as fast as you can from this woman. And don’t look back. Then go out and find someone who does want a relationship and who is ready to put what it takes into it to the same degree that you are so that it stands a chance of working.
And last but not least, (and this is the hard part - I know because I do it all the time myself) quit trying to analyze it and quit beating yourself up trying to figure out what you did wrong. I can pretty much guarantee you that you did nothing wrong at all.
Oh, and here’s a cyber hug for you, too, cuz I know you’re hurting…
Love does SUCK!
Speaking as a recently wounded soul, I truely feel your pain!
My dad said this to me once, when I was a wee girl… “We want the ones we can not have, because we are not ready to deal with the ones we can.”
I seem to live my life by this.
As for the girl, for your sanity, try real hard to get closure… the letter idea was a good one, since calling is getting you no where. However makes you wonder, if this is how she treats people, are you really missing much? (Right now you are probably still saying yes!)
well, if you can’t be with the one you love…
love the one you’re with.
(of course that doesn’t work if you’re with NO ONE and have been that way for TWO FUCKING YEARS)
anyway.
dude, I feel your pain. That said, move on. You say you think she deserves to be treated like a goddess? Well how do you think you deserve to be treated? From your post, I’d say not like this.
I can speak from experience and I’m going to tell you that this woman is fucked up emotionally. Maybe she’ll get over it (hopefully), but until she does don’t waste your time trying. Just be the good guy she dated that gave her faith in humanity again. She’ll remember you for it.
Right after my divorce, I started dating my current hubby. I was so screwed up and man-hating that even though he was an angel, I told him to hit the road. My rationale was that I couldn’t let anyone get close to me or I’d get hurt again.
Cut to a few months later and I ran into him again. I apologized for being such a mess previously and we started dating again. The difference that time? I was ready, and not hurting so much.
It takes time to heal…not even a GREAT guy can speed up the process.
As a female, I can totally assure you that there are some women who just blow hot and cold, especially if they’re in a situation where they aren’t sure what to do. She seems to not know what she wants to do, and therefore is avoiding the situation. Just forget about her. It’s the best way to solve the problem. If she does decide she wants you back, then she will come looking for you. Life is a confusing thing, and because there’s nobody who’s exactly like you on the face of this planet, you’re bound to not know what’s going on with them for at least half the time you’re with them until you know exactly who they are. Try to occupy yourself with other things, and exercise is a good thing because after 30 mintues of exercise, endorphins kick in and they are good for relieving stress and unhappiness. Just move on, and don’t forget to stay true to who you are and want what’s best for you.
I dunno. I think love on its own is great. The problem is to really enjoy love you need to be addicted to it(i.e. being in love rocks, breaking up sucks). I think crack would be great also if you couldn’t be addicted to it. A revelation! Crack is love, love is crack. Love kills.
…is it possible that something has happened in her life that has consumed her?
I mean, gee, maybe her brother was in a car accident in another city, and he’s lying in some hospital with her holding vigil at his deathbed? Or perhaps, her father has had a heartattack.
My whole point is, there are things in life that are totally consuming. Tragedy is one of them, but there are others.
My point is that shit happens in everyones life, sometimes it can get between a person and their obligations.
You may yet regret your words.
Perhaps you should call and leave another message, to the effect of hoping nothing bad has happened.
Maybe, maybe not.
Love can, indeed, suck. But maybe you’re wrong about this one, this time.
Thanks.