Well, I think you are talking about two separate things - Desire to have sex with a spouse and porn consumption. My point would be diminished if it were shown that these men increased their porn consumption systematically in response to the diminishing sexual appeal of their spouse. I would never argue that the physical appearance of a spouse would not have an impact on a person’s sexual desire for the spouse. I would suggest instead that it is likely that these particular men’s interest in porn has remained consistent, and may outweigh their interest in their spouse only because the latter has been diminished over time. At least, I would suspect that this is true in general. Certainly, people are idiosyncratic, including in regards to sexual behavior. However, the idea that the two activities are equivalent in some way that porn use could be a meaningful substitute for sex with another strikes me as unlikely.
I agree wholeheartedly, and find it sad to think that there is enough of a market for misogynistic porn to account for the rate at which it can be found. I like to think that this is accounted for by some moronic and juvenile producers of this material, rather than there being some proportionate demand for it.
FWIW, I’m NOT talking about romance novels. I’m talking about decent written erotica. Romance novels are more for shits and giggles-who comes up with those ridiculous phrases?
Yeah, it pretty much sucks to go looking around for something to “entertain” yourself with and instead end up depressed for the poor young women in these videos. It just feels wrong to even look at it.
I have a lot of friends who are quite happy with their jobs in the sex industry. And I’ve known a lot of women and men who like it rough and nasty. I’m sure they’re all ever so grateful for your pity and contempt.
Some women in porn are being exploited. Some aren’t. The chances that you can tell which is which just by watching the porn are slim, regardless of the theme.
I will agree with that although I suspect (and this is only from personal experience) that a man that is still attracted to his spouse and has a fufilling sexual relationship is less likely to spend hours wanking off to porn by himself.
And that begs the question of why a man’s interest in sex with his spouse has diminished over time.
Has she changed greatly in appearance?
Does she still have the desire to have sex with him and does she let him know that??
Men need to be wanted sexually.
I’m reminded of a post I read on the best of Craigslist:
I don’t.
I’ve read exactly three romance novels in my life-when I was trapped at my parent’s house and had read everything else in sight.
That was over 25 years ago and I’ve never wanted to read another one.
I think that’s true of women too.
Sure, there’s something thrilling about bedding a stranger.
However, (and once again I speak from personal experience only), that thrill is far outweighed by having good sex with someone that you trust, that is familar with your body and what turns you on, and how to bring you to climax.
That you can share your desires with openly and laugh with afterwards.
As with all things (except pregnancy and death) there is no black and white here. There’s every shade of grey. Personally, I have nothing against porn, and own some explicit porn and lots of erotica. But I was still offended when I went to use my boyfriends computer and found a shitload of what I personally found to be bad porn. Bad as in really not attractive to me. We had a discussion about it. Basically, I wasn’t threatened by what he was looking at, I was grossed out by it, and it made me think less of him. We have come to the agreement that he doesn’t store any porn on his computer that doesn’t star me. And I oblige him by letting him film me doing whatever. I’m no Jenna Jameson but I can still do a good blow job video. I know for a fact that he looks at other stuff when I’m not around. But the point is, it’s not in my face AND we have sex, good sex, often. OK, he can’t store his favorite stuff and oh what a tragedy he is so oppressed, but he understands and thinks that having a girlfriend and having sex is better than having a huge stash of his favorite porn. And maybe he is storing porn somewhere on his hard drive. But it’s not affecting me, my relationship, or our sex life. If it was, then hell yeah I’d do something about it.
Guess what? I’ve known some sex workers too, and I’ve read a lot about it. And a lot of these people are heavy into drugs or were sexually abused as children. Don’t speak to me as if I don’t know anything about it.
And if it inspires pity in me, that’s how it is, regardless of the wonderful lives you think these girls have.
Perhaps some women’s dislike of porn then, is based on fear. Fear that their partner is losing interest in them and/or fear that they get more pleasure from masturbation and/or fear that their partner is going to leave them?
You know, I’m not afraid of porn or threatened by it at all.
Some of it I quite like.
I do not like any porn in which the woman is depicted as degraded or abused or forced to have sex against her will.
However, I know that reflects my taste only and other men and women may get turned on by the very acts I consider icky as hell.
If my husband became obsessed with porn, I might have a different attitude but first I’d really want to know what he wasn’t getting from me or why or sex with me was less appealing than sex with his hand and videos of women that he would never touch or meet.
I spoke to you as if your position was ignorant, which it was, and which it remains.
Every waitress I’ve ever known was sexually abused as a child. Do you pity the people who wait your tables?
Yes, there are drugs and bad histories in the industry. I guess only survivors of abuse who get jobs you approve of aren’t pitiable, then. And all those people who don’t do drugs and weren’t abused and do enjoy their work? How do they fit into your model?
It must be nice to be able to tell what’s going on in another human being’s head and life just by looking at a picture of them. But I think it’s sad that you think so little of women.
Well, asshole, all I can go from is the extensive reading I’ve done on the subject, interviews with porn stars past and present, and 12 years of experience in the adult entertainment industry.
I never claimed to know exactly what is going on in every situation, but a lot of times I find it pretty easy to take a guess.
You go ahead and tell yourself they’re all enjoying it so that you can get off looking at them. Whatever gets you through the day.
And as I said before, I do enjoy porn, sex, and entertainment of all variety. I’m not some overweight housewife crying about how my husband doesn’t want to fuck me.
I think it’s important for women to realize that porn use a man has likely been continuous since he was 14 or so. He didn’t just start looking at porn 2 months before you found out. He looked at porn before you were dating, while you were dating, while you were enaged, and while you were married.
I think many wives are like the one in the OP. They have a tendency to freak out upon finding porn, thinking that it’s something that cropped up recently or in response to something regarding her (i.e. gaining weight). They consider the porn use to be something that will destroy the marriage, but they don’t consider that porn use has likely been a part of his persona for quite some time.
Any wife who discovers porn and wants crucifies her husband because of it also needs to explain why his continual use of porn since puberty did not cause problems. Is the porn she just found greatly different than the porn in the past? Even if she found bestiality porn, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a problem. Perhaps he’s been looking at it his whole life. Why would it be causing a problem now when it didn’t for all the previous years?
Do you really think I would be in your face right now if I did not also have experience in the industry, and very close family and friends involved with it? I just don’t see a need to make things personal or try to out-experience-cred people, and here’s why: Having all that experience and reading and so on doesn’t make either of us right. Either we are or we aren’t. It might change the odds of rightness, but it doesn’t mean a damn thing by itself. What if your position, based on your experience, was that all women who don’t wear head-to-toe covering are whores? I think we’d both agree then that you were wrong, regardless of how informed you ought to be.
If I did use that kind of porn, which I don’t, why do you think would it automatically invalidate my position? Why isn’t it possible that I might have come to my conclusions based on reason and information? Because I disagree with you? Or is it just that someone who gets off to something you don’t approve of isn’t worthy of an opinion about it?
I don’t know who you’re talking to with this, but it’s not me. None of it is relevant to my point.
I have a “live and let live” attitude about this kind of stuff. I’m not “against” it or trying in any way to stop anyone from enjoying it or producing it. When I gave my opinion, that’s all it was. Yeah, it was based on anecdotal evidence and personal research, but at the base of it it is still an opinion.
I think women should be able to do whatever kinds of movies and porn they want. I don’t have to be comfortable with it, and I’m certainly not judging them. But if I skim across “Shanna takes 300 men in 3 hours” I’m not going to be turned on by it and I’m probably going to have a twinge of pity for the girl. Sure, she may be having the time of her life, but unfortunately I won’t be able to see it that way. My mind will go to thoughts of the abused and addicted women I have known.
Maybe that’s just my problem, but strangely I don’t feel that way looking at a lot of other types of porn. And I’m not telling anyone else here how to feel about it, just like I don’t need anyone to tell me how to feel about it.
I agree with Indygrrl and some others - of the porn I’ve seen, including things like playing cards etc, it has all been made for men and I think that is why it doesn’t do much for many women. I do not find it erotic in the slightest. Some sex scenes in movies are much more erotic - anyone seen the sex seen in The Piano with Harvey Keitel, boy did that get me going!
Okay, if not hours, how much time might a man who is attracted to his spouse, with a fulfilling sexual relationship, nevertheless spend enjoying pornography?
similarly, what if he merely enjoyed looking at pornography and masturbating from time to time in a non-obsessive way?
What if he masturbated about a fantasy woman without using pornography? Would such behavior count as “sex with his hand” with a “woman he would never touch or meet”? If he did, would this mean that he was not getting something from you or that masturbating was less appealing than “sex with his hand”?
Is there any consumption of pornography that would not indicate that something is wrong with the man?
Hentor the Barbarian, I apologize for obviously not making my point more clearly as you seem to believe that I’m saying any happily married man that views porn and masturbates has something wrong with him.
I’m not.
I have no problems with my husband viewing porn or masturbating to it unless it becomes detrimental to our relationship and our sex life-in other words, if he preferred to watch porn alone rather than having sex with me on a constant and regular basis.
Or if when I’m, here ready willing and able, he still wanted to exclude me and sit alone at his computer and watch videos, I would think it indicative of a deeper and greater problem in our marriage.
I happen to believe that a good sex life is a big part of a good relationship.
It’s something else we can share together to give both of us pleasure and maybe, bring us closer together.
You may not feel that way and that’s fine too.