Dear Jesus - A Moment Please?

The BBQ Pit
1

Dear Jesus:

Long time, eh? Sorry for the interruption. Wondering if I might have a moment of your time…

I’m sure you and your Dad are probably pretty busy processing people in. And, I’m sure you guys got the “all circuits are busy” recording going on too right now–what with the number of people I hear praying and shouting “Oh my God” over the [bleep] that happened in New York and DC last week. But, uh, if I could grab your ear for just a moment.

As you know (being omniscent and all), Phil and I stopped at the grocery store tonight. Now, I used to be one of your best cheerleaders, so you know–I know the “show must go on” and “strike while the iron’s hot” and all, but I’ve got to talk to you about your little witness at Safeway. You know the one I mean…about 5’6", brown hair, daughters running around bothering all the other shoppers. She passed me a Chick tract at the end of the aisle.

Yes, I know–you’re rolling your eyes and thinking “Ah camel-droppings, not Chick again!” Afraid so. But this one is going to blow your mind if you didn’t already see it coming. Seems her tract of choice to pawn off with the ol’ “Here, have a comic” is the one entitled “Flight 144.”

Now, I know you and I are not exactly close these days. We don’t talk much anymore (or at all). And, I don’t generally listen to all those people who claim to be speaking for you, but this yahoo is going around in this devastating time (when people are probably questioning you already)–you’ve got your hands full–and she’s passing out this sh–er, camel droppings. I mean, tacky, Christ, really tacky. I doubt you “called” her to distribute this particular tract–or any of Jack Chick’s questionable quotables for that matter–but I was wondering if you or one of your angels might take a moment to look into this matter. Maybe open her blind eyes to just how offense her attempt to “spread YOUR word” might be?

I mean, Jesus Christ, imagine if I’d just lost a loved one on one of those flights or strikes. Now, I’m happy to take this little bullet to protect some other hapless American. I’m well aware of the tripe Chick passes off as representing you and can overlook it, but the next time, you and Chick-y baby might not be so lucky…

Thanks for your time,

Well, you know…

p.s. Congrats, Jack Shit-Chick, you’re responsible for me starting my first EVER pit thread! F-ckhead!

2

That is just . . . sick. Jack Chick’s mother must have been raped by baboons.

3

All I ask is that when it’s my time, you send me wherever Jack Chick isn’t.

Thanks, m’man.

4

I am a Christian and I feel I should say something.

Leave it to a “Christian” to do the most hurtful things to people. Being the “salt of the earth” does not mean to pour salt in the open wounds of America. Nothing like the blatant acusation of all victims being hellbound. We cannot make judgments about who goes to heaven or hell, but that wretched tract does exactly that. I’d say burn all “chick tracts” and start with those plane crash ones. God, could anyone be helped by these? It’s ironic, I call it manipulation by terror–as if to say “agree with me or you’ll go to hell.”

p.s.- “I can’t imagine how many crowns you two will get in heaven.” What the hell is that all about?

5

Oh, that’s easy - if you truly love God, he will make you rich after you die. :rolleyes:

6

That tract is FUCKING SICK

7

Apparently it’s particularly big among Southern FC’s. The idea is that you get “crowns” or “stars in your crown” when you do things that please God- ergo the motivation for doing good deeds (including gaining converts) is to get brownie points, not to act out of love of your fellow human beings. (Chick seems to take this view to an extreme, though, in that “good works” other than gaining converts are not only not rewarded whatsoever, but seem to actually earn one demerits.)

It’s a sickening thought, really, because basically “crowns” aren’t inherently useful for anything- it’s not like you’re getting books or sex or anything like that. “Crowns” seem to be little more than a way of envisioning an intra-Christianity caste system in heaven. Better be good, or you’ll spend eternity being a loser.

-Ben

8

You can hear the “but” coming a mile away, can’t you? This guy will give the world a great gift when he is sprouting vile self-righteous daisies, and the empire of smut he’s created crumbles. I can’t imagine.

What I do know, well in advance, is that if heaven is populated by “Ed” types, I’m glad I won’t be going there. All my friends will be in hell, and we’ll be having a party.

OBTW, haven’t we had enough of “my god’s better than your god?”

b.

9

You’re telling me? I’m an athiest, for crying out loud!

10

Great - a rank system even for heaven… I suppose you have to salute the higher ups too? [insert grinning smilie here]

Jack Chick can FUCK OFF!

11

I’ll meet you at the bar.

Good grief. I can’t believe the shit that spews forth from that person.

12

Well, of course you do. What fun would it be if you didn’t get to lord your superiority over others? Remember the audience they’re going for here.
[sub]And with this, I join the 700 Post Club. Seems rather… fitting.[/sub]

13

Umm, sorry, maybe we’re culturally deprived up here, but Jack Who?! I’m a Christian (Surprise!) and I’ve never heard of the guy. Sounds like that’s probably a good thing! Do I understand he’s suggesting the VICTIMS are going to Hell?! Man, where’s a butterfly net when ya need one!

14

“Many will say to me in that day, Lord Lord, have we not prophesied in Thy name?..And then I will profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from Me, you that work iniquity.” Matthew 7:22-23.

Oh Mr Chick…are you listening?

15

I find the most interesting part to be the plane heading down like a lawn dart, and the drunken killer saying something about “c’mon accept the Lord now,” or whatever. If they just said “yes,” they go to heaven?

Seems reasonable. Instead of oxygen masks dropping down the airlines need “quick salvation kits.” No sincerity, thought, or introspection necessary.

16

Zoogirl - There’s a link in the OP to this particular piece of Chick’s shit but the rest are viewable at http://www.chick.com. For greater enlightenment, please feel free to do a search on “Jack Chick” here at the Dope under “The Pit” using the criteria “any period.” Chick’s philosophy seems to be salvation through intimidation and fear.

Tavalla - Ha, funny thing, Chick uses that scripture in this particular tract to explain why the missionaries who had dedicated their lives to the “works of God” would be rejected by Him and sent to hell. Guess you’d be telling Chick a little “physician heal thyself.” :wink:

To clarify or expound upon the concept of “crowns”…Chick is skewing statements in the new testament made by certain apostles. Chick (and other Christians) seems to make “crowns” into some “tangible” gift to be earned by collecting God-points, when there’s certainly no indication that the apostles intended that with their messages. He’s certainly not the only Christian zealot I’ve seen use these references in such a way; Christians also refer to “treasures” or “rewards” stored up for them–God’s people–in heaven.

For those interested in some of the skewed Biblical sources, here ya go:

2 Timothy 4:8 - …in the future there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day; and not only to me, but also to all who have loved His appearing.

James 1:12 - Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him.

1 Peter 5:4 - And when the Chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.

Revelation 2:10 - 'Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to cast some of you into prison, so that you will be tested, and you will have tribulation for ten days. Be faithful until death, and I will give you the crown of life.

As you can see, “I can’t imagine how many crowns you two will get in heaven” is definitely a skewing of the scripture (which I believe is a sin in the eyes of God, yes?).

Well, if the compassionate, loving and forgiving God I used to believe existed is actually out there somewhere monitoring such things, then I truly do pray he puts a burden on this woman’s heart to know that she’s not acting out of his love and compassion. I don’t recall anything in the NT about “kicking 'em when they’re down.” (Oh, and can He please kick Pat and Jerry square in the ASS! Amen)

In conclusion I can only add in the grand tradition of Chick tract conclusions:
Chick Tracts - Don’t let THEM happen to you.

[sub]On a sidenote: I was pleased to see TheBible.com on their homepage had a statement disavowing the hurtful crap that Robertson and Falwell have spewed following this tragedy.[/sub]

17

Just so I’m clear:
Stop going good deeds and looking out for others, right?

[sub]That was the message, wasn’t it?[/sub]

18

Just to add a little more info:

This may be teachings that are unique to my area, but I was raised Southern Baptist (:o) and there is/was a definite ‘riches in heaven’ theme. Pearly gates, streets of gold, better Baptists will have bigger ‘mansions’ in Heaven, crowns of gold, etc. The emphasis was definitely on material rewards in heaven rather than spiritual.

A joke I heard a few years ago:

Two men are waiting in line outside the Pearly Gates for their interview with St. Peter and begin talking. One is a preacher who is anticipating the many rich rewards he will receive in heaven; the other is a taxi driver who is suprised he is even there.

When the preacher reaches St. Peter, he is told he will be given the standard equipment - robe, wings, halo, harp - of a style that will reflect his success in bringing souls to God during his life. He is handed a plain cotton robe, a small pair of wings, a brass halo, and a wooden, gilded harp.

He is arranging all of this to his satisfaction when he notices that the taxi driver behind him is receiving a robe of the finest silk, huge, glistening wings, and a halo and harp of pure gold.

Immediately he begins to protest - why did he, who preached the word of God for 25 years, receive such plain items, while the taxi driver was given the fancy stuff? Surely he had brought many more souls to God than a taxi driver?

“Oh no,” St. Peter said. “While you preached most of your congregation slept; very few heard your message and came to God.”

“OTOH, every passenger in this man’s taxi remained awake and praying during the entire ride, and consigned their souls to God’s care before reaching their destination.”

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“Shhhh,” says Saint Peter, “We need to stay quiet past this part of heaven.”

“Why?” asks the guy.

Peter responds, “That’s the Southern Baptists.* They think they’re the only ones here.”

*insert denomination of choice here.

20

I don’t know why Chick would think that tract would convert anyone. It makes Jesus seem like a right c**t. Matter of fact, nearly all Chick tracts do that.