In which the curmudgeonly Mister Tactless responds to actual questions published by Miss Manners, but with more pragmatic advice using less ink.
DEAR MISTER TACTLESS: At a casual dining restaurant (a national chain), the waitress bringing several drinks to our table – without a tray, for some reason – had carried my glass of beer under her arm.
Yes, under her arm.
I am still at a loss about what to have done. I didn’t want to embarrass the waitress, but I would have liked to have sent the drink back. And what do you say? “Excuse me, but my drink was under your arm”?
But as the bar was out of sight, I was unsure what she or anyone else would have done to my new drink. Any advice? Since this was a national chain, and training in this area is minimal and not standardized in the U.S., I can unfortunately imagine it happening again.
CLUELESS READER: You think your hand is cleaner than her arm? Maybe less than elegant, but as long as she didn’t wipe your fork in her crotch, drink your beer and order another.
DEAR MISTER TACTLESS: Due to my own carelessness in not writing an entry on my calendar for a housewarming/birthday party, I forgot about it. The invitation from our friends was through social media, to which I had responded that I would attend.
My most important concern is what to say to apologize without sounding like the party was of such little importance that I could have forgotten it. A secondary concern is the medium to use to apologize: private message through a social media channel, or handwritten note sent via mail.
I think that I know your answer (note via mail), but is it ever acceptable to express apologies (or thanks) electronically?
CLUELESS READER: The invitation was by social media (WTF? Don’t people call each other anymore?) so your apology should be by social media. You’re overthinking this. And next time, your friends are going to “forget” to invite you.
DEAR MISTER TACTLESS: For 50-plus years, I went to work in jeans and T-shirts. Typically, the only winter coat I could afford was a nice insulated sweatshirt.
But a few years ago, at age 67, I landed my dream job. It pays well, too. It is amusing that, even though my work ethic and abilities did not change one whit, people view me entirely differently because of the title, the secretary and the clothes.
Miss Manners, how would you recommend I answer questions like, “What a lovely dress; what is it made of?” or, “Where did you get those fabulous shoes?”
The truthful answers are “cashmere” and “They are custom-made.” I would prefer to deflect these questions, but brushing them off seems patronizing.
How do people who are accustomed to being well-off gracefully handle such questions?
CLUELESS READER: Who gets custom-made shoes, except size 20 NBA stars? Is what you’re doing legal? Anyway, the correct answer is, “We’re not here to write articles for Vanity Fair, get back to work.”
DEAR MISTER TACTLESS: When the British eat soup, they spoon away from themselves. Why do Americans spoon towards themselves?
CLUELESS READER: Because that’s the direction our mouths are in. How can you eat something if the spoon is going away from you? Do you also want to drive on the wrong side of the road and have a queen?
DEAR MISTER TACTLESS: I have a dear friend in another country who I correspond with regularly via email. We talk of life and love and her children and personal dilemmas, and do our best to lean on each other (as all strong women should!) from a distance.
However, as our relationship carries on and new situations arise, she (a devout Christian) has increased her inclusion of religious thoughts and ideals, as well as Bible passages and, if I’m honest, quite a bit of pious preaching. While I love and respect her devotion, I find myself increasingly uncomfortable, and my responses are obviously glossing over her religious topics by a mile.
Can I ask her to refrain from the religious chat? How do I broach the subject without damaging our lovely correspondence?
CLUELESS READER: You don’t. It’s not a live conversation so you don’t have suffer through any glurge that you don’t want to. Just ignore those parts, and respond to the coherent parts. That’s why God made the Delete key.
