Next Christmas, get me a chainsaw.
Take off, eh?
Dear Santa,
It’s been a few years, huh? Sorry bout that. Guess I’m just a little upset about all the stuff that I asked for before that you didn’t give me.
This year, I’d really like ‘Someone’. I know that seems to be a really popular item this year, but c’mon. You owe me. You know you do. Remember that one year? Yeah, you owe me.
Besides, I’ve been fairly good this year. Better than expected, at least.
Sincerely,
ijustdontcare (but if you get me ‘someone’, I’ll try to care about them. I’ll even try for real this time, no more pretend.)
P.S. The whole World Peace thing would be cool, but don’t make it TOO peaceful, or it might be boring. You can leave some fights and bickering, just try to get rid of the war and mass hatred. Thanks.
Dear Rue:
I don’t know about the elves, some days they love you, some days they try to loosen the bolts on your sleigh. Mrs. Claus wants to know if you want a fruitcake this year, or if you just plan to send it to your neighbors again.
As for your Christmas request, you can most certainly get six thousand people to be super-extremely good for just one year. Just have them send along a letter and we’ll stick them in the request database and monitor them this year.
I do have to warn you though, that the chances of six thousand people being extra good for a whole year are pretty slim. The North Pole is facing a minor budget crisis this year, so we’ve had to add a few more things to the naughty list this year that weren’t there last year.
See you Christmas eve!
Santa
Dear vunderbob:
Granted. Please sign the papers for the Peace Corps enrollment on Christmas day and report for duty January 2.
Santa
Dear TheLoadedDog:
The whole Al-Queda thing is really out of my hands. International politics isn’t Santa’s bag. And I’ve never had any problems flying, even when the elves loosen the seat on the sleigh. Train set and a bike, no problem.
Santa
Dear Fairy Chat Mom:
Sorry about your husband’s job, but there’s not many companies out there not on the verge of bankruptcy this year. I’ll see what I can do, but no guarantees.
As for your lovely daughter, thanks for the laugh, but self-confidence and intelligence are genetically prohibited in male teens.
However, I can certainly help you with the blood pressure. Fairy Chat Dad: may have to help with the financing though. If he and I can swing the hot tub, you’ll wind up with lower blood pressure, so I can probably give you both of the things you want this year!
Santa
Dear twickster:
You’re welcome.
Santa
Dear Francesca:
Self-confidence comes in powder form, so you’ll have to mix your own. As for the cookbook, would something about eggs be okay?
Santa
Dear Tir Tinuviel:
No problem, but don’t expect anything in your stocking.
Santa
Dear Kn*ckers:
I’ll make sure Mr. Wright is there, wearing only your stocking Christmas morn! Don’t say Santa doesn’t look out for you!
Santa
Dear Blackeyes:
Your “Someone” model 34xk-9 has been delayed in production this year. The elves tell me it has something to do with the wiring. Perhaps a nice teddy bear instead?
Santa
Dear Jessica:
The “Someone” models have been delayed this year. Engineering is working on the problem. Teddy Bears, however, are no problem. Thanks for making such a reasonable request.
Santa
Dear Jinwicked:
As if! Coal for you!
Santa
Dear ijustdontcare
You see? This is how it goes. Nobody remembers the Claus-man until he forgets soemthing. Then it’s bitch bitch whine moan complain. Owe you? Santa doesn’t owe you jack. You’re getting coal. At least you’ll be warm for winter.
And, for someone who doesn’t care, you’re awfully damn picky.
Santa
Dear Santa,
I’ve been a very good flodnak this year. I’m still looking for a job, but I have a temporary Christmas position at a household linens store. Among the merchandise we have for the holiday season are these Santa hats, with five red stars set in the white trim, that blink end-to-end. So as you can guess, Santa, I have only one request:
MAKE IT STOP! :eek:
The little flodnaks and I will be sure to leave a plate of Norway’s best chocolate chip cookies by the fireplace for you.
Dear Santa:
Why did you post a picture of the Falcons on Tour? Do you hate me?
And please return the check for $150 US. It was actually for Santos, my Mexican housekeeper.
I think I can handle sorting out the stocking’s side of things.
Thankee very much Santa!
Sure, Santa. A teddy bear will be just fine.
Could you throw in some good whiskey to settle the difference?
Dear Santa,
I’ve tried very hard to be a good girl this year. I won’t ask you to leave me any toys, but could you please take the neighbor’s Rottweilers with you when pass through the neighborhood? They scare me.
Dear Santa,
We want a stick with which to beat Sean Morey about the head and shoulders.
Thank you.
Children of the world.
Kickass! There’s a beer in it for ya, old man. 
Santa –
you da man!
Twick
Dear Santa,
I’ve been really awfully good this year. Can I have a dragon? I promise not to let him eat the neighbors.
Love,
Kat
Dear Santa,
I see from your responses that “someone’s” are on back order (story of my life, but you already know that), and, well being a guy, I really don’t want a teddy bear. So could I have something else? Not booze, since I’d probably turn into an alcoholic, no pets, since I’m hardly ever home, how about a new car? It doesn’t have to be brand new. In fact, I’d be more than happy with a 1971 Chrysler Newport, white with a black vinyl top, like I had when I was 16. Could you swing that for me, please? Thanks, all my best to the Mrs., the reindeer and the elves.
Tuckerfan
P. S. If you can’t do the car, I’ll settle for a scantily clad (no porn, something tasteful will do fine) photo of jinwicked holding a chainsaw. Thanks, again.
I hate to break it to you… but the odds are that santa is no longer with us, See?http://www.brainofbrian.com/philosophies2.html#4
Dear Santa,
All I really want right now is for my financial aid re-evaluation to come out well enough so that I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from halfway through the semester. I’d also like to have a job either in the town where I attend college, or one for whenever I’m back home. Both would be magnificent, but hell, I don’t know if I could swing that easily. I also want my long distance SO to go through the “growing up” phase without any big problems along the way that might hinder his future. He’s a good guy, and he deserves to be happy in life, even though he’s screwed up lately. And also, I’d like for my mother to be able to get a good job so she doesn’t have to live like she does now while she’s on unemployment. I feel like such a mooch when I ask for anything monetarily based anymore, especially when it’s from her. At least I’m going to be prepared for the “really cold” North Florida winter up here. What kind of cookies would you like me to leave you this year? I’ll be sure to add some rum balls as well if you promise to eat them only after you’ve delivered everyone else’s presents. A sleigh accident wouldn’t be good for you.
Best Wishes,
-Indigo
PS: tell the yuletide elves I said hi and welcome back.
Dear Santa,
It’s been a bit of a crap year for me. On new year’s day, my gf dropped me. Two weeks later I was forced to take annual leave by my employer so they wouldn’t have to pay me a huge payout when they eventually fired me in February. Determined never to have to work for some soulless employer again, I took the leap as a self-employed computer nerd. For three months I lost money hand over fist as I tried to establish my place in the market. I finally landed a great contract for my business, servicing many different types of clients. Meanwhile, two women (you know who they are!) led me on and played games with me. In September I injured the rotator cuff in my right shoulder and feared I mightn’t be able to compete in the gay games (6 weeks of intensive physio got me 90% in shape). Two weeks after returning from the gay games, I suffered a grand mal seizure which resulted in all sorts of fun injuries, but worst of all has taken me off the road. I will likely lose the great contract and my other clients as well. So here I sit in my room wailing about all that has gone wrong in my life.
But Santa, lest you think this is a whingey post, let me get to the stuff I want for christmas. Over the course of this year I’ve met some incredibly nice people, one of which has become my closest friend. And if there is one thing I’ve learnt in life it is this: if not for the ones you love, nothing else matters. So here is my list of stuff I’d like:
-
Please, for the love of all that’s holy, find a Ms Right for my friend D. I know she’s pretty picky and needs someone intelligent, attractive, witty and funny… but Santa… if anyone can do it, you can!
-
For my friend L… please find a way for her son B to return to special care. He made so much progress there. It devastated the whole family when they could no longer afford to provide him with the care and therapy he needs. Since he’s stopped going to that centre, he’s lost muscle tone, his seizures are more frequent and his general health has declined. C’mon Santa, I know you can do this!
-
For my mate J - a little less confusion about her identity would be great. I know she’s young and we all go through it, but some of us suffer more than others. She’s a real sweetie and deserves a bit of peace.
-
For my friend A… please let his wife get a transfer so they can live in the same city. It was great she got a government job interstate, but time apart for newlyweds is surely gonna hurt them both. And Santa, on this one… I’d settle for them finding a place where she’s posted and him finding a job there. Either or.
-
Santa, I know your workshop is oriented more towards small consumer goods… so if you can’t do the above, I would settle for a Team Losi XXX Brian Kinwald Edition for me. Assembling and running it will keep me sane until I am fit to drive (hence work) again.
-
Oh, Santa, one more thing. If you can’t do any of this stuff, you’re still welcome to join me and my folks for a christmas BBQ. I’m told there’ll be roast pork with apple sauce as well as the usual BBQ stuff. See ya there?
Max
No chainsaws, but about three or four years ago, I had one of me wearing a Victorian corset, thigh high fishnet stockings, garters, and holding a band saw.
(No sorry, I don’t think I have it any more, or I would send you a copy. Used to be on my website…)
Don’t tease. Either you have the picture to pass around or just don’t mention it. You could end up on the “naughty” list.
Wait… corset, stockings, garters, band saw… I think you have the “naughty” list sewn up. You could get on the “not nice” list.
-Rue.