Dear Santa

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Dear Flodnak:

Let me get this straight: You’re asking me to stop something that celebrates the idea of Santa Claus? Hmmm. Methinks you’re getting something else this year.

Santa

Dear Xavier:

Santa doesn’t hate anyone. Even people who ask for gifts back, even after Santa has already deposited it and bought the Mrs. a new bathrobe. I’m sure Santos is wondering why you sent him cookies.

Santa

Dear Blackeyes:

Jack? Johnny Walker? Canadian Mist? Santa knows you’re an alkie, but not what you prefer.

Santa

Dear TMWSTER:

I can’t take someone’s dogs! There’s rules to this Santa gig, after all. I can give them some extra special doggie treats, though, so that they’ll be calm and collected come Christmas morn.

Santa

Dear Mermaid:

What is it with these kids today? Always wanting the violent toys. Ah well, is a big oak walking stick okay? At least Santa can cover his ass when the lawsuits start flying.

Santa

Dear Jessica2:

Santa prefers amber ales, perhaps Uncle Beer or Beerchick could make some recommendations to you.

Santa

Dear Kat:

See, the problem with live animals is this: Once I get you one, then every little girl in the world will be after me for a pony. Or a puppy. Or a kitty cat. Can you imagine Santa stuffing 4 million ponies in his magic sack for delivery? I’d be cleaning for ages! The elves draw the line at shoveling the stable, if you know what I mean, and Mrs. Claus isn’t the happy housekeeper everyone thinks she is.

Whatever happened to dolls and baseball gloves? Sheesh.

Santa

Dear Tuckerfan:

I’ll see what I can do, cars can be a tough deal, what with tax, tag, and title. Plus the new North Pole emissions standards are pretty tough. I might be able to swing it, since the car will only be here for a few days.

As for the picture of Jinwicked, that’s what Santa wants too.

If worst comes to worst I’ll put you first on the list for the new 2004 model Someone, fully loaded with cooking and cleaning skills.

Santa

Dear Flowerchild:

Remember the Christmas when you wanted that game so badly, but got socks and underoos instead?

That was no accident.

Santa

Dear Mirrored Indigo Shadows

I’ll do everything I can. And I promise I won’t have any rumballs until I get home. Mrs. Claus can be feisty when she knows I’ve been drinking and sleighing.

The elves say “hi” back.

Santa

Dear Maxxxie:

Santa knows you’ve had a rough year, and promises you a better one this time around.Just for the record, asking for a bunch of stuff for other people doesn’t make you look any better naughty/nice wise.

I’ll see what I can do about the car. Santa’s got a Traxxas Nitro Rustler of his own, and knows how much fun they can be.

As for dinner, looks like the schedule is already filled. Breakfast with the elves, late lunch with Father Time, then dinner at the Tooth Fairy’s place. She makes a mean figgy pudding. Thanks for the invite, though!

Santa

Dear Jinwicked:

After posting a tease like that, you can’t possibly hold me responsible for what the elves might do Christmas night. Just a fair warning from your friendly neighborhood Santa Claus.

Santa

Dear Rue:

Just let me know if you want Jinwicked added to the “not nice” list. Anything for an old pal.

Santa

42

I must be the luckiest girl in the whole WORLD! I knew being nice all year would pay off!

Gee, thanks, Santa!

Love, Kn*ckers

43

Dear Santa,

I know, I know. You haven’t heard from me since that incident at university in December '82. Well, there’s been a lot of snow under the sleigh, a lot of what my mom would have called ‘learning experiences’, and a lot of mistakes to be rectified. Such is life.

What I’d like for Christmas, Santa, is faith. Specifically, faith that I am worthy of love, and that there is someone good out there who would be interested in me.

Yes, I’m working on becoming more attractive to others–I’m starting a new exercise program on Friday, to pick up where my old one left off–but it’s the subtle interior adjustments that are the most difficult.

[sub]If you can’t do the faith thing, a new computer would be nice. Or a DAB receiver or a hang-on-the-wall high-def TV or something. [/sub]

44

Dear Santa,

It has been a pretty good year and thanks 'cause that’s what I asked for last year and I know you granted it. This Year I’m going to ask for a little bit more so please bear with me.

First Can you make sure next year is a good year for my friends and family as well as myself. If it is difficult you can take me off teh list.

Second can you please respond to the letter my kids sent you as they are leaping out of their skins waiting for it.

Third can you please make my oldest boy stop correcting me when I tell him the toy he’s requested is Hot Wheels Shark Alley TM and not, as he insists, “HOT WHEELS LEADIN’ BY A SHARK!”

I know he’s only three but if you can give him more brains it would help. I know you’d be fighting genetics of his father but the boy needs a hand. My Wife would really appreciate that as he tends to confuse your mall helpers who always look up at us with a “What the f%#*!?!?” Look on their faces when he asks for "HOT WHEELS LEADIN’ BY A @#@% SHARK!" actually he does not say @#@% but you understand.

Hope all is well at the North Pole, give teh Elves a Hey from me and Kiss Mrs. Claus and tell her that I know that psycho skull grinning woman that was in my kids Santa Picture looked nothing like her.

Love the Pengvin family

45

Dear Santa

46

Dear Santa
Sorry about the boo boo. Beer is better than cookies and milk so the whole clan is welcome to come on over to my house. I’ll probably be alone on Christmas eve since you’re back ordered on Mr. Right and even on Mr. not so right.
If I actually meet someone he usually ends up being Mr. asshole pretending to be Mr. Kind and decent. Anyway I guess what I mostly want is to not miss the people I love so much.

Cheers to
Santa Mrs Claus elves and reindeer
hope I covered everyone

47

Dear Santa,

Since I’m sure there is only one Mr. Right out there, he is probably occupied. I will offer up myself, slightly used, but harboring patience, imagination, and a heart. Feel free to pick me up, and deliver me to someone who would appreciate the gift.

thanks,
rubes

48

Dear Santa,

I’d also like to ask that you do your best on RUE’s EFFCIEGH project, which sounds like a great idea. And I’m willing to forego my Christmas wishes this year in favor of it.

But what I’d really like is to be a little more grateful for what I have – all that I have, the riches of family and friends and well-paying if not great job and a warm meal and a warm bed – and not always be dissatisfied with something. I’d like not to always have to turn the pretty rocks over to see what may be hiding on the other side. I’d like to see the glass as half-full more often. I think if I could do that a little better and a little more often, then maybe as a result I could be a little less buttly to people. Not that I’m excessively buttly, I’m not, but I’m occasionally buttly and I know I’d be less so if I had the sense to be more grateful.

But lest you think I’m doing a good deed to give up that wish in favor of RUE’s, the truth is that I know my wish is more properly directed at your Superior, but since He’s the one who gave me all the gifts, it seems a little snarky to go back and ask Him to make me more thankful for them as well. But I know that’s what I need to do.

Anyway, if RUE’s wish doesn’t work out, and mine doesn’t work out, then as a third choice I’d really like an Easy-Bake Oven, which my mother would never let me have as a kid because I’d burn the house down with it, though how you burn a house down with a 40-watt bulb I’ll never know, not that I’m still ticked about that.

Have a very Merry Christmas, and don’t work too hard.

Jodi

49

Dear Welby: I happened to like those socks

50

Dear Santa,

Can I have a Monkey’s Paw of the non-backfiring variety?

And I don’t want the paw still attached to an Ebola-infected monkey, or a ghostly paw that throws monkey poo all over the house, or a giant King Kong-sized paw that would fall on my head and crush me, or…

51

Thanks, Santa, you da bomb!

52

Then I’d like to have Terry Pratchett himself. Not, of course, for any Misery-style slave work.

I just figure that I can force him to write novels just for me, and should he prove to be less than, say… accommodating, then I’ll cut his feet off.

Huh. Maybe I am ripping off Mr. King with that punishment; but don’t worry–he won’t sue. I’ll just send out another van to take care of him.

So, I’ve been a good boy this year… what are my chances?

53

Is there a “wicked” list?

I didn’t mean to tease. I don’t have any good corset pictures, but you can have this picture of me when I was about 18, at the beach. I hope it’s sorta-ok. :slight_smile:

http://66.232.26.154/temp/ocean.jpg

54

Dear Santa,

:frowning: :frowning:

But I’ve been really, really, really good.

If not a dragon, then how about a black Corvette?

55

Dear Sunspace:

College is a time for lots of young people to “experiment.” Don’t think anything of it. Santa will do his best to put a little faith in your stocking this year.

The computer is no problem.

Santa

Dear kingpengvin:

You’re welcome. It’s nice to get a thank you every once in a while. As for your request re: good year, I’ll see what I can do. You’ve been good this year, so I see no problems so far.

Individual responses are pretty limited to letters to Santa. I mean, I get millions, and just wouldn’t feel right sending out form letters. Stuff like hijacking a user name on a message board and using it to respond is easier and a lot more fun.

The boy is a little tougher. Genetic meddling is specifically prohibited in the “Powers of Santa” list, under section 38 subsection 12. I think you’ll have to try a cattle prod

And please, in the future, keep your tongue out of Mrs. Claus’ mouth when giving Christmas kisses.

Santa

Dear Beerchick:

Santa can’t honor Christmas wishes from people obviously too drunk to run a keyboard. Please sober up and submit a new list.

Santa

Dear rubes:

Perhaps I can set you down at Kn*ckers place. Check with her and then please fill out form 301-H “Release of Responsibility”, 1735-L “Sleighing at Own Risk”, and 56-YZ “Non-Disclosure Agreement”.

Santa

Dear Jodi:

Records indicate that you were delivered an Easy Bake oven several years ago. I suspect it may have been intercepted by your mother. I’ll have to see if there’s any extras available this year.

Santa

Dear Flowerchild:

Don’t lie to Santa. And don’t blame welby, he’s just some sucker that got his user name hijacked by Santa.

Santa

Dear mrblue92:

No. And I think we both know why.

Santa

Dear SkipMagic:

Kidnapping is against the Santa Claus credo. Perhaps a life-size blow up doll instead?

Santa

56

Dear Kat:

Santa is pretty sure you must have given him the “Frowny Face” by accident. He knows you wouldn’t possibly “frowny Face” him after all the hard work he does.

Right?

Santa

57

Dear Santa,

I appreciate all your hard work, really I do.

I can understand your reluctance to deprive the neighbors of their wonderfully ferocious pets. I guess that wouldn’t be very Santa-like, and it was wrong of me to ask. I’m sorry.

The narcotic dog treats sound like a nice temporary solution, but I was hoping for something more long term. Since you don’t deliver dragons, how about a nice electric fence?

p.s. I see you still trying to unload, er, match up Mr. Wright. You know he drank up all the beer and ran up my phone bill with all those 1+900 calls when you left him at my house two years ago! Does he come with a consumer warning label now?

58

Dear Santa,

OK, so if I can’t have a Monkey Paw, can I get a Genie?

On the other hand, forget all that. Just stuff the new Bond girl Rosamund Pike in stockings, leave her under some mistletoe Christmas morning, and I’ll be forever grateful.

Thanks in advance.

59

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT’S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won’t wanna be around to smell it). So, here’s my holiday wish list:

  1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

  2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

  3. A REAL man…maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I’d take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what’s with that earring anyway? If I’m gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

  4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

  5. Breast reduction surgery. I don’t care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

  6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

  7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don’t cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

  8. A new, more 90’s persona. Maybe “PMS Barbie”, complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; “Animal Rights Barbie”, with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or “Stop Smoking Barbie”, sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

  9. No more McDonald’s endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

  10. Mattel stock options. It’s been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that’s it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don’t think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It’s that simple.

 Yours truly
 Barbie
60

Dear Santy Claus,

You do a great job.

Could you maybe help bring everyone’s ego down a notch that I work with? Everyone has their freaking territory staked out & it’s so tired.

Just 'cause I’m young & have energy doesn’t mean that I don’t get kicked around and taken advantage of by people with “senior moments” that really know how to roll work down onto the shiny new workers.

Maybe instead of world peace, I’d like to ask that people who often don’t care much to start caring a little bit more.
And please help me not to be so closeminded. : )

This is my grown-up Christmas list.

Much love,
JL