Dear United States Army: LEAVE ME ALONE!

The BBQ Pit
1

I do not want to join the Army. Nor, for that matter, do I want to join the Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, nor Air Force. But the Navy, Marines, Coast Guard, and Air Force all stopped trying to get me to join a few months after I moved out of my parent’s house and started college.

The Army stopped for a couple years, but has begun calling me again.

Part of this is my fault, because I did not submit a piece of paper to the registrar of the college telling them to never release my information to anyone ever. I haven’t done that because if I do that, I lose some of the help that the Career Services office has to offer, and also (because my college is run by stupid people) they won’t release my on-campus phone number to members of the college community, such as classmates and professors.

So I got a call over winter break, between Christmas and New Years.

“Hi NinjaChick, this is Sergeant Testicles with the US Army…”

I explained that I am not going to join the Army, I am not interested in joining the Army, and even if I was the Army would not want me to join. I assured him I know all about the fantastic opportunities the Army presents me with, such as “wearing a lame uniform” and “being a file clerk because you’re a chick who doesn’t want to be a nurse” and “crawling around in the mud with a dummy rifle for six weeks because clearly that is an essential skill for all future uniformed file clerks”. I said so in very polite terms, and promised that if I should happen to have a change of heart I’ll be in touch, and even obligingly pretended to copy down his phone number. I figured that was that, because seriously, I’m in my final semester of college, and at that point if you’re going to join, it’s not going to be because a recruiter called you.

Wrong! I got another call earlier this week, this time on my landline here out at school, which lacks caller ID!

“Hi, NinjaChick, it’s Sergeant Penis…”

I informed him that I had spoken to his colleague recently, and again, I’m not going to join. Won’t, can’t, would sooner light my head on fire. Yes, I know all about the GI Bill and that it can be used towards graduate work, and I’m still not going to join the Army, so do not call me again.

The phone rings this evening, around 7.

“Hi, NinjaChick, it’s Sergeant Testicles…”

“I AM NOT GOING TO JOIN THE FUCKING ARMY, I DO NOT WANT TO JOIN THE FUCKING ARMY, YOU DO NOT WANT ME TO JOIN THE FUCKING ARMY BECAUSE I’M TOO DAMN SHORT AND MY EYES DON’T WORK RIGHT AND I HAVE LIKE A TEN-MINUTE MILE AND I’M JUST PEACHY WITH THAT AND YOU ARE WASTING YOUR FUCKING TIME SO STOP CALLING ME!”

“I just wanted to make sure that you were aware of the loan repayment programs we have to offer…”

“Either you are a computer or just a fucking idiot because I just said I AM NOT GOING TO JOIN THE ARMY AND YOU ARE WASTING MY TIME AND YOUR TIME DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CALL ME AGAIN!”

“Okay, would there be a better time to call you back?”

“Yes, NEVER. NEVER would be a great time to try to talk me into joining the Army. Seriously, DO NOT CALL ME AGAIN, DIPSHIT.”

Aaaargh. I don’t know why, but that really bothered me and has been stewing all night. Why does saying, “I’m not interested in any way, shape, or form, in joining the Army, don’t call me again,” apparently mean, "Oh, yes, keep calling me! And then when I again tell you not to call, call me again! And when I tell you a third time DO NOT CALL ME BECAUSE YOU ARE WASTING EVERYONE’S TIME, ask if there’s a better time to call, because obviously what I meant was, “oh yes, tell me more! Call back when I have more time to discuss the three shitty jobs you can offer me!”

2

Maybe because it’s obvious how much it’s bothering you, they’re doing it just for kicks.

“Hey guys, I’m gonna call that stressed-out bitchy chick again, get on the line! snicker snicker”

3

I took the ASVAB in high school because it got me out of class for a few hours. I apparently did well on it because recruiters were constantly calling, emailing, mailing, etc. I had told them all I wasn’t interested, but they kept calling. I finally told one recruiter that I couldn’t join due to health reasons. He obviously had heard this all before and said most conditions, including bad eyesight, could be worked around. When I asked if excercise-induced asthma and severe allergies could be worked around, I never heard from any of them again…

4

Hi, my name is Sargent Testicles.
Would you like to join the Army?

5

Tell them you’re a lesbian, while it still works :]

6

[Begin Call]
> Hi NinjaChick, this is Sergeant Penis with the U.S. Army…
>> I’m not interested, thank you.
[End Call]
[Repeat as Necessary]

It’s pretty simple, really. Most of us have been through it. These days it’s recruiters, pollsters, and fund-raisers, but back in the Dark Ages before do-not-call lists, people used to actually call to sell you stuff! Can you imagine? Fortunately, you could (and can) end the sales pitch at any time.

[Begin Call]
> Hi NinjaChick, this is Sergeant Penis with the U.S. Army…
>> I’m not interested, thank you.
[End Call]
[Repeat as Necessary]

Heck, these days, with answering machines, voice mail, and caller ID, you may not even have to begin the conversation. We actually had to answer the phone to know who was calling.

7

Just tell them your special life partner doesn’t want you to join the Army.

Blast, Kobal2 beat me! That’s what I get for getting a phone call before hitting Post!

8

I got a new BS a few years ago, and someone released my info to the Air Force. I took great delight in telling them that I had 15 years of Defense Department Civil Service seniority, was in a postion of importance as a contractor, and I was 42 years old.

“Oh. We’ll take you out of the database.” The disappointment in his voice was palpable.

9

Ask him what he’s wearing, and what his socks smell like.

10

Great, that’s exactly how I want overworked military recruiters facing enlistment shortfalls to be earning the salaries that my tax dollars help pay.

That said, two follow-up phone calls from two different people, while two calls too many, isn’t that bad an example of potential customer persecution in today’s hard-sell environment. Ninja, if you do manage to discourage the recruiters from contacting you again, let me know how you did it and I’ll see if it works on the Jackson & Perkins garden catalog people. I swear to Og they’ve spent more money sending me catalogs by now than they’d stand a chance of recouping even if I did decide to buy their bulbs.

11

Ha. And when I graduated high school I couldn’t get into ROTC for love or money b/c I had asthma. I lettered three years on the varsity soccer team and was probably in better physical condition than 90% of their potential recruits, but oh well.

12

Just join and they’ll stop. You know you want to.

13

As a former recruiter, I’ll give you some hints on how to make them leave you alone.

Tell them you are a diabetic or that you have herpes. Seriously, it disqualifies you, and they SHOULD be documenting this so they don’t call you again.

It will NOT keep the Navy, Air force or Marines from calling you. But you can tell them the same thing when they call. It will not keep the local Army Nat’l Guard from calling either.

Its no comfort to you I am sure but the NCO that called probably didn’t want to call you anyway. I hated cold calls as a recruiter. If someone said “no” to me I never called them back because it was wasting my time and theirs. Though at times I was ordered to “try again”. (which I didn’t…I’d pretend to call them.)
I’ve already said a lot in threads about recruiting, but I’ll explain it this was Recruiting Command is its own little Dark Empire Press Gang within the higher commands of the military. I was, as many a detailed recruiter. I didn’t volunteer for it, but was ordered to do it. The ones that volunteer for it…they’re worse than sharks…even I can’t stand them and I’ve been on active duty for almost 20 years. I’ve been out of recruiting for 4 years and I still harbor a deep resentment and well, even hatred of Recruiting command. They don’t even follow their own regulations and then cry when they get caught at it. Recruiting Command, believe it or not, is like its own seperate entity from the rest of the army commands. I don’t know how to fix it, but I want nothing to do with them anymore.

One of my junior soldiers this week expresssed an idea to volunteer for recruiting this week because he thought it looked like fun…until I told him what its really like. I’d let you hit me in the nuts woth a sledgehammer before I ever go back to that job. Its asinine to keep calling a person that says “leave me alone”. I can think of a few reasons the same station might call you several times after you said no, but none of them excuse it. But I can tell you that the guy probably did not want to call you again, but was coerced into it…hell, he was threatened into it…I know I was a few times. I refused, as I said, and yeah, I was punished for it. (Hell, and i was the Top Recruiter in my fuckin’ company for two quarters!)

If they don’t stop, do not call the station and complain, call the battalion HQ (which may be really far from wherever you are) and complain. I don’t know which regional command your address falls under but it shouldn’t be too hard to find out. If you need to do as I suggest and don’t know who to call, PM me. I may be able to scrape up a contact. (can’t promise…i burned a lot of bridges when i left Recruiting Command and I don’t regret it.)

Seriously, tell them some bullshit that DQ’s you. You can even tell them you have 5 DUIs or something, they can’t check it w/o your consent. Never ever tell them anything that implies they can call you back like 'I’m busy right now" or 'I’m in college"…tell them flat out something like ““I have diabetes/a plate in my head/ MS/ whatever. Please don’t call me anymore, I am seriously not interested. Have a good day” and hang up. (This way if the higher ups get on the caller he can say “The guy is permanently DQ’d” theres no point in calling him, because he can NEVER join even if he wanted to, which he does not.”)

Its fucked up that you have to do it that way, but I know from experience that it will work.

14

I take it they’re not quite as fussy?

15

Just means they are all separate. Telling one does not mean the others will have the same information.

16

Exactly. Many times I had someone say I told you guys to stop calling, asnd after asking if they recall the name of the person that called I found it was one of the Navy/Air force, Nat’l guard or Marine recruiters. Most folks were understanding about that. The other branches have different, often smaller quotas also. The Army requires more people than they do. The average quota in my station was 12 per month among 6 of us. The air force was one and they had ONE recruiter in that office. I’m not sure of the Navy or Marines, but I know that the Navy at times were not allowed to recruit any females for a month or so at a time because of limited or no slots for them. Mst have something to do with berthing on ships. That meant the monthly mission for the recruiters was eased up on. The marines had that happen once or twice when I was there, too. (but they are a part of the navy)

Now when it comes to actual enlistment all branches have the same pool of information. For instance if you take a physical and are disqualified at MEPs its on record there. If you go to another branch because you couldn’t join the army the other branch recruiter will find out that you are disqualified when he sends your name to MEPs for processing.

Since there are more support troops than combat arms troops in the army, we always had room for females. The same needs do not apply to every branch. But the requirements for enlisting are similar enough that if you get DQ’d for one branch chances are you’re DQ’d for the others.

(A lot changed in 04/05, as the army wasn’t making mission in recruiting…no shit, I said…the conflict in Iraq and the aggressive and annoying tactics they employed weren’t helping. I won’t go into my stories of how poorly recruiting command treats the recruiters, except to say they managed to alienate most of them/us. So the misson tanked further because a lot of recruiters just said “Fuck it, i don’t care. I’m not even trying anymore.”. You don’t hear about all of the suicides except when they can’t keep it from the media. But they lowered a lot of the standards before I left to the point of idiocy. I don’t know if they’ve changed them to normal now, they may have, since it was actually hurting more than helping.)

17

Say, “Look, before we go on, there’s something you should know. I post on the Straight Dope Messageboard. You should go read some of my posts there and then call me back if you want. My username is Der Trihs.”

Daniel

18

Isn’t that something, that’s ny name too.

Though I’ve attained the rank of Major. I’m Major Sergeant Testicles.

19

If it makes you feel any better, you should know that in all likelihood, you will eventually reach a point where the military has no interest in you; where your body doesn’t work quite as well as it used to; and where you will miss your youth. If I had a choice between noticing more gray hairs now and than and getting calls now and then from military recruiters, I know which I would choose.

Not to belittle your complaint of course. I’m sure it’s annoying.

20

This reminds me of something my brother’s classmates used to do when they were in school: pick a teacher, then complete one of those reply cards you find in magazines, using the teacher’s name and address. “X Yes! Send me 3 years of Field and Stream for $29.99…bill me later!”

Seriously, how did you get on their radar? Your mad ninja skills?