Having my best friend and neighbor die about three Months ago and watching his Family is starting to ready get to me. Being like family myself, to his I really feel like saying something but don’t know if I should. His wife is dating already to (guys) ten years younger and her older son quitting school at 16. This would not have happen if he was still around. My question how long should you mourn and I’m I wrong thinking she should cut out the Partying about every night and spend that time working with her two son with dealing with the loss.
Or maybe this is just her way of coping with it. Just wanted to get some advise before I go somewhere that is going to be a touchy subject.
C Thompson, I don’t mean to sound insensitive in this troubling time, but this isn’t really the best place for this question. GQ is for questions of fact, but what you’re asking falls squarely in the realm of opinion. It’ll get a better response over in our “In My Humble Opinion” forum, where I’m moving it.
Everybody’s got a different way of dealing with bad news. Some ways work better than others. It’s not so good her son’s dropped out of school, but if she seems to be taking care of her herself, that’s half the battle. If you are truly close to this family, would it be inappropriate for you to approach either of them and talk about it? I’d recommend you not start off with an attitude of, “Here’s what I see happening;” instead, try “What’s happening?”, so you get the story from their perspective.
If it was me in her shoes, I’d have to fall back on a lesson I’ve learned from my wife that I hope I never have to put into practice: It wouldn’t make my life any better to make myself miserable just because other people think I should be. She’s not tainted. There’s nothing wrong with her. She shouldn’t avoid friendships just because somebody else died. If she’s troubled by it, she should reach out to friends, or find new ones.
When my best friend died, I shut myself off from the rest of the world, became an alcoholic, and made smoking crack my number one hobby. I’d say this woman is doing pretty well.
It is a touchy subject and it really bothered me (this is me and I am in no way saying that this is true for everyone) when people would “interfere” with my means of coping with my friend’s death or ask me why I was behaving a certain way. I just wanted to be left alone to do my thing and get through it on my own time, in my own way.
Again, this is just me. I still think you should leave her to do her own thing though. And there’s no set time of mourning. I’m still not over my best friend’s death, and that was a year and six days ago.
How anyone deals with death is a very personal thing. My dad passed away 7 years and my mom 3 years ago. I frequently cry from the pain of missing them and not being able to reach out to them, hug them or just pick up the phone to say hello. Thats not something that will ever go away. The year before my dad died, I lost a baby, again a pain that will always stay with me.
My brother passed away when he was six, just before I was born. I always found it so strange that my parents talked so much about David. My dad was totally devastated by his death and never truly recovered, but one day when I asked him… if it hurts so much, why do you talk about him? He replied…by keeping his memory alive, it helps to ease the pain.
That made so much sense to me. I talk about my parents alot and it does help me, especially when I think of certain events that took place as a family or the laughter we had in our home. They are part of me, they gave me the life I live every day and thats something I thank them for.
After my mom died, my sister pulled away from the rest of us. I hear from her maybe once a year, oddly enough, it was yesterday that she called. She won’t talk about our parents or about anything sad. She will only talk about how wonderful her life is (which sadly I hear is very lonely). Thats her way of dealing with things and I respect it, its just not the way I choose to live my life.
Until you can talk about the person and not become upset everytime. You’re not done mourning until you can do this. You can get married three months after your wife dies, but are you done mourning, or just looking for a subsitute? You can be happy with the present, but still will lapse into mouring. You will mourn their passing untill you die. It’s when you can think of them and smile most of the time, that you are healed. Ocasional remorse is nothing to be worried about. You’ll feel calm and relaxed when you are done mourning them, and moved one with your life.
I can talk to others of the people I have loved and lost. Some are a bit uneasy, but I can talk of the things we did, and remind other’s what they would have done. Reaching the point of conversing with others about the dead you knew as friends, can actually brighten the day as their manorisms and humor are remembered by all.
In my experience, I’ve never really gotten over somebody dying. I just got used to it after awhile. I always have to remember that the grief I feel is selfish because I miss THEM. In my opinion, they don’t miss ME.
My husband died almost 3 and a half years ago. I guess my answer would be you never stop mourning someone you love deeply. over time it becomes less painful, but I don’t think the pain of loosing them ever really truly goes away.
by the way I drank,did coke and other shit for about a year or so hoping it woud ease the pain. One thing it made me realize was no matter how much shit I did it was never quite enough to make the pain go away. I always still seemed to be able to feel no matter how stoned I got.
All you can do for her is hold her in your arms, let her cry and hope at some point she realizes she doesn’t want to crash and burn anymore.
My friends were great BIGGIRL put up with me many nights when I called her and would cry all over her at 1 or 2 in the AM.
Interesting that you should ask such a question, because it implies that there is some period after which it is no longer permissable to mourn. Sorry, it doesn’t work like that.
You mourn for as long as it takes. With the loss of someone especially close, that may never end, though it does drop in intensity with time.
Many people are nervous about death & dying and want you to “get on with your life” in part because they don’t want to be reminded of their own mortality.
And many misguided people will push you into activities that you are not ready for while at the same time discouraging you from talking about your grief, which may be just exactly what you need to do to ease the pain.
Lost my dad seven years ago and my beloved wife of 24 years five years ago. Sometimes a whole day may go by when those losses doesn’t intrude.