I have a friend. A very good friend who lives in Las Vegas while I now live in NYC.
His wife died. She was a wonderful person who filled his life with joy. But she is dead. She died about 2 years ago.
He is not moving on. It probably dosen’t help 9/11 was her birthday but he IMHO needs to get the hell on with his life. He has three kids. Two were adopted and the third is their natural child. He does have health problems (MS) which I’m sure contrubutes to his depression.
But I want to give him a swift kick in the bottom so he can ‘snap out of this’ plus I have problems and I can’t talk to him about them because he is so depressed.
I have no idea if he is seeing a thearpist or not.
So, any suggestions on how to make someone close to you start the process of getting over the death of a spouse?
Why does your friend need to “snap out of it,” or need a kick in the rear? Why does he need to move on? Is his grief debilitating him? Keeping him from working? What?
If he is depressed, and has health problems, and had a wife die whose birthday coincides with the date of a national tragedy, he clearly has a whole range of things to deal with that are well above and beyond needing a kick in the bottom. People do not just “snap out of” grief or depression, and it sounds like he is dealing with both at the same time. Well-meaning friends can do no more than suggest counseling, be good listeners, and keep their mouths shut unless their advice is explicitly sought. And if their advice is sought and then not acted on, they resume keeping their mouths shut.
I know it is painful and difficult to watch someone you love struggle with depression. It may seem like two years is too long, but you have absolutely no position from which to judge his progress or measure his methods of dealing with grief against anyone else’s. This society is absolutely abysmal when it comes to coping with grief, and coping with people who are grieving. It’s an uncomfortable topic, and we’d really rather that people who lose someone precious to them just let it drop after a while and go back to their old selves. It ain’t gonna happen. And it’s not for you to tell him he’s handling it badly, or should stop grieving.
To sum up: offer your genuine support, and if you can’t genuinely support him (listen to him, withhold judgment, offer avenues for him to explore, like counseling), butt out.