death by osmond

I know none of you would be foolish enough to fall into a trap like this. I did. Never, and I mean, NEVER let a nine-year-old talk you into watching a tv movie about the Osmond Family.

They laughed, they cried, they sang, danced, prayed, bickered and wore some of the worst wigs this side of an Oliver Stone movie.

By the end, my daughter was sighing dreamily and I was reduced to a drooling idiot. I could actually feel what little intelligence I have draining out my ears. I felt like I was being reprogrammed a la Clockwork Orange. Only I didn’t have those little metal thingies holding my eyes open. Instead, it was my daughter’s incessant chant, “Which one is that? Which one is that? Is that Wayne? Is that Merrill?”

My son hit the nail on the head. He came lumbering downstairs to raid the kitchen when he was accosted by his sister and invited to watch with us. He said, “What, watch the Osmond movie? Are you kidding? That’s like…child abuse.”

And to make matters worse, I missed Junkyard Wars.

Awwww, you poor little struuter!

:: snicker ::

I couldn’t even stand the commercials! I heard part of one, and I couldn’t believe that it might actually be true: One of the Osmond boys said something about them originally wanting to be the next Led Zeppelin???

Are you kidding me?

Hmmm, maybe One Bad Apple Does Spoil The Whole Bunch.

There was a great phrase in Us Weekly about this show (which they, of course, panned):

NOW I remember why they always seemed so creepy to me!

Ah–no. No sexual spark between Donny and Marie. No sexual spark between anybody for that matter, including Mom and Pop Osmond. I got the distinct feeling they mail-ordered all those kids.

And although I did faithfully watch every episode of the Donny and Marie Show as a kid and liked their music, the movie didn’t do much in the way of inspiring me to buy that boxed-set that must be lurking somewhere in the future.

And yes Dire (you snide little fiend), they did want to be the next Led Zepplin. But with that unique and ever-popular Morman spin. I’ve nothing against Mormons–in fact, I see quite a few of them on my doorstep–but some things just don’t mesh. Dare I call it an Oxy-Mormon?

Oh, and thank you soooo much for bringing up that song again. Just when I thought I’d gotten it out of my head…

prefer death TO Osmonds…

anyone have poisoned toothpaste?

Advice to the Osmonds: Wearing matching jumpsuits is NOT the way to become the next Led Zeppelin.

I was particularly impressed with the care taken to show them authentically sweating on stage. Somebody was doing their homework. Must’ve watched the Behind the Music on Donny…

Well, it beats the shit out of “Long Haired Lover from Liverpool”, or whatever bleeding shit that was!

Remember the SNL sketch, “Gumby’s Christmas Special”? It had Gary Kroeger and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss as the toothy duo getting it on a Gumby’s party. Hilarious!