Death is not an option

The premise: A ridiculous either-or scenario is presented by a poster, the more challenging and ridiculous the situation the better. The next poster has to pick ONE of the two options for themselves (death is not an option-- you must pick ONE). Then they get to present an either-or scenario for the next poster.

No judgements or debates are allowed. Just scenarios and preferences. Scenarios or parts of scenarios MAY be repeated throughout the thread.

To start:
Get waterboarded every day for a month OR have a swastika branded onto your forehead.

Get waterboarded every day for a month. Not to downplay it, but waterboarding leaves no physical scars, and it’s only for a month. If I get a swastika branded onto my forehead, the best I can hope for is a disfiguring skin-graft, that is if I don’t get my ass kicked before I can arrange for the operation.

New scenario: Would you rather be permanently changed into a centaur OR a mermaid/merman?

Centaur. I don’t like the water. And horse shit smells better than fish.

Next up: Be forced to play cookie clicker 8 hrs everyday of your life, or stab yourself in the eye with a fork?

Fork. I don’t need two eyes that badly.

Would you rather never have sex again OR eat only your least favourite food every meal, every day, for the rest of your life.

I’d give up sex. I was a virgin until the age of 30, so I know I can live without it. Besides, eating only one food would probably give me some kind of nutrient deficiency.

Would you rather fight three penguin-sized men, or one Anthropornis?

Three penguin-sized men.
Rather eat a pound of your own feces, OR masturbate to completion at your next Thanksgiving dinner table?

Masturbate at the table. You never said I couldn’t do it in the middle of the night when family is asleep.

Would you rather never be able watch your favorite tv show ever again or have to watch the stupidest most dumbest tv show, to you, for as long as it airs or is available on Netflix or what have you?

Never watch my favorite show.
Lose one of your eyeballs by way of a steak knife OR personally remove the leg of a child you’ve never met before with an axe.

Lose one of my own eyeballs. I could never hurt another person, let alone a stranger, let alone a child, unless it’s in self-defense. As for the eyeball, God graced me with a spare.

Um, I’ll have to think about my next scenario. Someone else should feel free to go.

I’ll do one.

Having to spend at least 8 hours everyday at your ideal job and workplace but have your least favorite and most annoying song being played constantly over-and-over on the workplace’s sound system;


Having to spend at least 8 hours everyday at the most boring, tedious, brain-draining, soul-sucking, low-paying, and filthy job imaginable but have a constant flow of your favorite songs being played on the workplace’s sound system.

Ideal job and annoying song. No question.
The only thing you can eat for the rest of your life are McDonald’s Big Macs OR the only liquid you can ever drink for the rest of your life is buttermilk.

Give me the Big Macs. That’s not too different from what my current diet is anyway.
You can have either 12 regular sized nutsacks, under your penis…or one, really big nutsack that is the size of a bowling ball.

Gimme the dozen nutsacks.
Live the rest of your life as a deaf, blind mute OR live the rest of your life with severe non-treatable depression.

Depression. Being cut off from experiencing the world would leave me in a pretty similar state anyway, and I’d be worse off since I wouldn’t even be able to communicate it to others.

Living out the remainder of your natural life with locked-in syndrome and no way of communicating with anyone or anything, or living out the remainder of your natural life completely ambulatory but with constant, agonizing, full-body pain, more severe than the greatest pain you have ever experienced before, which cannot be ameliorated medically.

Depressing. Locked in syndrome, I guess.

Would you rather have an attic squirrel infestation for the rest of your life, in which the squirrel population is at least 50, but the squirrels are friendly, or have every random squirrel you encounter for the rest of your life attack you (but never actually harm you?)

I’ll take the random squirrel attacks. My wife would kill me if there were that many rodents in our house.

In one hour: Drink 12 ounces of urine OR drink a half gallon of vegetable oil.

Half a gallon of vegetable oil. I’m allowed to throw up after or during, though, right?
Pick one: Over the course of three days, you either have to drink a quart of phlegm (anyone’s, including your own) or eat all of the hair found in your tub/shower drain.

Success! I have chosen two things so horrible that nobody wants to do either one.