Deciding it's time to end an old dog's life

In My Humble Opinion
1

I have been thinking long and hard about this lately. I have read everything I could find on the internet about how to decide when it’s time to put a pet to sleep. I have spoken to his vet, who agrees with me. I think our old dog has reached the end of his life. My husband, however, is not ready to let go. My husband adopted him when he was just a few months old, while he was already elderly when he came into my life.

He is nearly 14 years old. He is a rescue mutt, but the breeds we think he is mixed with have a life expectancy of 9-12 years. Five years ago, he developed what looked like very bad arthritis, but with medication he has managed to maintain some mobility. He also has had skin cancer for many years, but that is unlikely to be fatal. He was doing well for his age until last summer, when he started to seem to start to fall apart.

He still eats normally but he is very thin. He can walk, but very slowly and shows signs of fatigue after only a couple blocks. It’s impossible to say how much pain he is in. Dogs don’t show pain much, and he has an especially high pain tolerance. Sometimes he moans or whines while lying there in a way that we think he is in pain.

He is clearly suffering from dementia (“canine cognitive dysfunction”). He was never a very bright dog, but these days he is really confused. For example, he takes him a while to catch on when I am trying to offer him a treat. The dementia has led to incontinence. (We have run every test possible multiple times and tried medication to rule out any physical cause for the incontinence.) I am home all day with a baby, so I try to keep his bladder empty by getting him outside frequently. This takes a lot of coaxing each time because he doesn’t want to get up and doesn’t understand the commands. We have diapers for him, but they don’t stay on well and I can’t put them on while holding the baby, so they are of limited usefulness. When I go out, I have to put up gates to confine him to the kitchen, but if we confine him there while we are home he cries nonstop. With all these efforts, we still have an accident nearly every day. Maybe it doesn’t sound like a lot of work, but with the baby the free moments I have are precious, and it sucks to have to spend them cleaning up dog pee.

I hate to take into account the inconvenience this causes us, but it’s impossible not to. The inconvenience to us affects his quality of life too. He used to be able to come with us frequently to visit family and friends, but of course that’s out of the question now. We can’t leave him alone for long, and there is no one who can care for him in his current state. So we are unable to go anywhere for more than a few hours. We used to do a lot of dog-friendly activities during the warmer months, like camping and hiking, but he is not able to participate anymore. Right now the baby is only six months old, so I don’t get out much anyway, but I am looking forward to getting away from home for longer stretches as the baby gets older, but the dog makes that impossible.

The baby is getting ready to crawl. I can’t think of a way to keep the baby out of the puddles of urine and occasional feces that inevitably appear on our floors. Also, it is common for dogs with dementia to suddenly behave aggressively, so I am not confident that the baby is going to be safe around him.

At this point, there isn’t much he seems to find worth getting out of bed for. He was never a very affectionate or playful dog, so my husband denies there has been much of a change. We have another, younger dog, who helps him stay engaged; without her, I’m not sure he would notice much about what was going on. He usually doesn’t get up when we come home. He sometimes gets up to greet visitors. He seems to clue in when it’s meal time and his morning walk, but if it’s an unscheduled treat or walk, it take a while to get his attention. He is almost always asleep.

I always imagined that he would be suffering in a really obvious way before we would be considering putting him to sleep. If it were not for the incontinence, I feel like we could let him hang on for a while longer. Now he is just a burden to us, and it makes me feel terrible that I can’t remember what he was like when we enjoyed him. I really want to come to an end before I am only left with feelings of resentment toward him.

When I bring the subject up with my husband, he says it’s not a good time to talk about it. If I push the issue, he gets understandably very emotional. I finally pushed him harder to express some sort of opinion on the subject. He admitted he agreed with my assessment but wasn’t ready to let go yet. I don’t know what is going to have to happen for him to feel ready. I worry that could take a long time. He is in denial about the dog’s condition - since the decline has been gradual, it is harder to see. I don’t want to him to feel like I am pushing this decision on him, but I also don’t feel like I can deal with situation much longer.

Do other people agree it’s his time? If so, how do I get my husband on board? If not, how do you suggest we make this situation livable?

2

It’s time. Your husband is doing the dog a cruelty to try and prolong his life further. I’m sorry he isn’t agreeing with your assessment. The fact that most of the dog’s daily husbandry (including cleaning up after him) falls to you means that your opinion is of more weight in making this decision.

How long since he saw a vet? Some vets are really good at helping families make difficult quality of life decisions. Some aren’t. Call your vet and ask their opinion.

3

It sounds like it’s time to me, yes. I’ve never had to make this kind of decision myself and I was tempted to say your husband just needs some time, but maybe that’s not it- how long ago did you have the conversation where he said he wasn’t ready to let go? If it was recent I could understand if he needed a little time for it to sink in. If not, it sounds like this is becoming unreasonable. It sounds like the dog’s condition is pretty miserable and the safety concern is real. Your child takes precedence. Is it possible for you to set things up so your husband is 100% responsible for taking care of and cleaning up after the dog for a day or two? I don’t know if that’s workable but it’s a three-day weekend and it sounds like you’re the one cleaning up after him almost all the time since you’re at home.

My parents recently had to go through this with one of their dogs and it was very sad for even more reasons than this kind of thing usually is, but it was pretty obvious that the time had arrived. He wasn’t eating, couldn’t move much, didn’t have too many teeth left, and the list goes on. I think most people go through a denial/maybe he’ll die on his own period in this situation but it should be a short one. Once my parents figured out what they needed to do, they put the dog to sleep two or three days later.

4

The touchstone question is this: does the animal have any more quality days left? Can they sleep comfortably on their bed, or the couch? Can they go do their business without too much discomfort? Eat and drink? Or are they subsisting, in pain or discomfort, unable to “just live” any more?

I’ve taken animals home for one more week of good days, and I’ve said, “let’s let him/her go” as soon as I saw test results or x-rays. Hardest mutha-fuggin’ decision most of us will ever face.

5

If your description of the dog’s day-to-day life is objective and accurate, that dog is in a lot of pain and misery. A dog that can’t be bothered to get up to greet his people when they come home has decided the pain isn’t worth the reward. That’s opposite of what it should be and means the dog is suffering.

The best scenario I can think of is for your husband to hear this from someone else. A visit with the veterinarian may be helpful and eye-opening if your vet is willing to have a hear-to-heart with your husband. What else might work is if there’s a friend of the family, who doesn’t see the dog all the time, who can come for a visit and see the dog. Sometimes an objective friend saying, “hey, your dog looks like death warmed over,” is a viewpoint a spouse might take to heart over the person who has to clean up after him all the time.

6

Chula, in my experience, when you think it’s time, that’s no error. When you can see that the animal is suffering, and the thought has even crossed your mind…and when your vet agrees, :frowning: . It’s the toughest thing about having pets. Condolences.

7

I choked up reading your OP, and as others have noted it is a tough decision: but the right one. Don’t beat yourself up.

8

araminty, it was a long post, so it’s understandable you missed where I mentioned the vet agrees with me. My husband had been consulting with the vet about the incontinence for months, but no one brought up the subject of putting him to sleep until I called a few days ago to get her input.

Marley23, it was just a few days ago, after I asked the vet, that I pushed him on the subject, so I can give him time. But I don’t know how much time is reasonable. I don’t know what needs to happen for him to accept it. We thought it was the beginning of the end five years ago when he couldn’t walk due to the arthritis, so it’s been on our minds for a while.

My husband definitely does all he can and feels bad that the work falls on me. The reality is that any time he spends on the dog is time he is not helping with the baby. After dealing with the baby all day on my own, I’d frankly rather clean up dog pee than hold the baby while he does it. But I’d rather spend the time on something really fun like dishes or laundry.

Nitropress, I think this is a borderline case, were it not for the incontinence. I think you would think, “Poor old dog” if you saw him, not “Oh my god, put that poor creature out of its misery!”

SeaDragonTattoo, to be fair, he is a funny dog who rarely showed real excitement when we would come home even when he was healthy. It took me a while to realize he shows his affection for people by choosing to be near them. Right now he is in the hall outside my office, and if I were to go downstairs he would eventually notice and drag himself down there so he won’t be alone. It’s hard to be sitting here looking at this loving creature and thinking about ending his life, and I know it’s a lot harder for my husband, who has a long history with him.

bobot, that’s what I’ve been thinking. Some people say that when it’s time, you’ll just know, but I think that by the time it’s a clear-cut decision, you’ve probably waited too long.

I tried to give a thorough assessment of the dog’s condition, but I left out some other behavioral changes. He started getting into stuff - chewing up inedible items and stealing food off the kitchen counters. He never used to do stuff like that.

9

Yup, sounds like it’s time to put him down. I’d give your husband a few weeks to think about it (up to a month), maybe bringing it up a couple times and showing him how sad but serious you are about it. Hopefully he’ll come around and do what’s “best” for the dog.

Your post really touches me because my Mom has a pug who is really getting old and starting to have lots of various problems, so she might have to have him put down soon and it really makes me sad to think about it since even though I haven’t lived with him for a few years, I did grow up with him since middle school age.

10

It’s an unseasonably warm day here today, so we went to this awesome dog-friendly park. We took our dogs there for our second date and have been there countless times. The walk is pretty long for our old guy, but it’s flat and we let him set the pace. He started limping bad half-way through and then started stumbling. My husband had to carry him back to the car. I just realized that was the last time he’s ever going to the park and I lost it.

11

It’s absolutely time. No animal deserves to live like this. If the dog were 100% aware, I’m sure he’d be as upset by his incontinence as you are. And letting him pee and poop all over the floor with a baby crawling around is incredibly unsanitary. Not to mention your very valid concerns about potential canine aggression. As shitty as your husband may feel about putting the dog to rest now, remind him how much more shitty he’ll feel if he’s putting the dog down after it disfigures your baby’s face or hands for life. And, while I’m **not **pro-guilt-tripping in general, that last is absolutely worth guilt-tripping him about. You should also emphasize how YOU are at home every day, so you see more of the animal’s suffering than he sees. Emphasize that you are now the caregiver for a special-needs animal PLUS an infant, and you’re fucking frustrated. Dealing with one or the other would be difficult enough. It’s easy to understand why you would be overwhelmed, yet it doesn’t sound like he’s taking you seriously.

If your husband refuses to go forward with euthanasia after these reasoned arguments, take him to the vet and have the vet explain that it’s time. Maybe he’ll accept an expert opinion on the matter. However, if he still won’t budge, marriage is about compromise. You need to lay down some ground rules:

  1. The dog only gets to go in areas that the baby isn’t allowed to crawl around in. Whether you gate the dog or the baby, doesn’t matter. But they can’t both safely roam in the same area, so you can’t allow that to happen. If he cries in the kitchen, find another room and, I dunno… put down a tarp and close the door? Or something.
  2. He cleans up the dog’s messes. Every single one. Since you’re a SAHM, you’re doing the vast preponderance of childcare right now. And your husband should be responsible for taking care of *his *baby, too. Drop a paper towel over the dog’s messes during the day, and let your husband deal with them when he gets home from work. I doubt he’ll be singing the same tune after he has to deal with all the shit and piss himself.

Yes, these are shitty solutions for the dog. But, unless you know someone who wants to adopt a severely-elderly special-needs animal that will probably die within the next year or 2, euthanasia is the *only *good solution. Your child, your sanity, and your marriage are all more important than any animal. I only hope you can convince your husband to agree.

12

Yeah, it’s time.

It sucks, really sucks when you have to have an animal put down. However IMHO the anticipation of the death is far worse than living with it afterwards.

I’ve had to have both cats and dogs put to sleep, occasionally relative newcomers to the family, othertimes long-time family members, and making the decision for the latter group has been literally heartwrenching. But y’know, you do get over it. You just know afterwards that it was the right thing to do and it soothes somehow. You still have your great memories, your beloved pet is no longer hurting, and life goes on.

Sorry.

kam

13

This is really sad. If your husband can’t recognize it’s time and that the dog’s suffering has become his wife’s suffering, too, I can’t imagine what else it could possibly take for him to get off his ass about it and stop being so selfish. He needs to figure out his dog is no longer leading a dignified life and the least he can do is give the old guy a dignified death. If he really loves his dog, he needs to suck it up and give him this final gift. It sounds like you and the vet have given him plenty of time to chew on and get used to the idea. It’s time.

Here’s a quality of life checklist that may be helpful for both of you. It helps assess your dog’s current situation and talks about things you can do to change things for life improvement in terms of stepping up pain management and therapy like acupuncture. It also helps the person filling it out do some self-reflecting that might help come to an end-of-life decision. You guys should probably fill it out together and talk about the options it brings up.

14

At the end, be there for him.

15

It’s time. I say that with a 13-year-old dog lying behind my chair who has been showing her age for about a year: declining hearing, sight, and mobility and occasional accidents. Her
sister (yes biologically) is two years younger. The topic has been on our minds a lot, even though both are still healthy and happy for their age.

16

It’s past time. He’s had a great life. Enjoy yours.

I just put my nearly 16-year-old dog to sleep. While she probably could have made it another year or 5, dealing 24/7 with a confused, incontinent (in a rental) dog who would scream and cry when she was confined was simply not a livable situation for me.

17

I can understand that. I was thinking that if he has to clean up after the dog “full time” for a few days it will be that much more apparent to him that this can’t go on indefinitely because even if he feels bad that you have to do the work, he’s still not the one who has to do it. The clean up job might give him a little extra time to be around the dog and prepare himself, and it might also reinforce the fact that this situation is no good and that you’re really being inconvenienced here. Maybe he’ll realize the obvious within a few days anyway, but that was my reasoning. I’m not sure what else you can do here without just issuing an ultimatum.

18

We have reached a resolution. My husband just needed a little time to turn it over in his head. It would have been nice if he had said that to me, but he refused to discuss it at all and lashed out when I pushed the issue. It’s not the healthiest way of dealing with an emotional issue, but it’s not unusual. He says is thinking we should do it in the next few weeks. I think that’s a good amount of time to get used to the idea and say good-bye. I think you’re right, kambuckta, that right now it seems so awful, but once it’s done we can move on with our lives. My husband even admitted that it is going to be a relief to not have to care for him anymore.

19

When I’ve had to euthanize an old, dying pet, I felt guilty because I felt relieved when it was over. I didn’t doubt the decision, and I was still grief-stricken, but there was that niggling bit of guilt because I was glad it was over.

StG

20

Dear Og, please put the poor old guy down NOW. It’s hard and it hurts like a son of a bitch, but it’s well past time. Give him one last awesome meal of all his favorite stuff, and then give him the last gift we can give to the animals who love us.