Declaration of Independence: a good idea?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

[Announcer’s voice]
In this week’s episode of Yet Another Day in the Life of Le Sang, we (as usual) see our hero with a small dilemma. Let’s watch, shall we? (Surgeon General’s Warning: this thread may go a bit long and will probably be terribly disorganized. Expectant mothers, the elderly, and Elvis fans are advised to be extremely careful.)
[/Announcer’s voice]

Well, here goes nothing. I need some advice, someone to talk to, and maybe some help - this seems a good place to be. Last night, much as every other Sunday night, I talked to my parents. This time, however, was quite different from the usual.

You see, my parents, for personal and religious reasons, are not terribly fond of my girlfriend. They are also currently putting me through college - well, maybe. That’s the issue of the day, after all. Next year, the plan was to have me move into an appartment with my sister and a couple friends. Mom and dad were going to pay my share of the rent, and life looked acceptable. Then they found out that I plan to have Janel come visit me in October for a few days, and life got just about shot to hell.

I currently have an ultimatum set on me. Basically, I decide that they are right AND that they can control my life up to and including who I choose to love, or I suddenly become, at 19, fully independent of them - most notably in all ways financial. This makes me nervous. This actually goes far beyond making me nervous. I am in no way prepared to simply drop Janel; she’s too much a part of my life at this point. (You’d think that after 3 years, my parents would realize this…) Then again, I’m not too sure that I’m ready to, basically, tell my family to bugger off, either.

So I seek the wisdom of the multitudes here. Have you been through something like this? What do you think I should do? Talk to me, folks; what do you think?

Le Sang

[sub][sup]Note: I may only be able to respond once a day or so; don’t worry, I’m not ignoring you, just busy.

2

Ye gads.

First off, have your parents ever told you EXACTLY why they don’t like the GF? They’re probably sure they see something you don’t. If not, maybe you could reassure them somehow?

Second, if point #1 doesn’t work…I say bail on the parents. They cannot decide who you love. At all. Ever. I know it’s hard to tell them this. But hon, it’s YOUR LIFE. Not theirs. You can’t live your life for them. Trust me on this one. smiles

I’m here if you need someone to listen, hon. hugs

3

Personal and Religious reasons? I can’t think of any reasons there. But at 19, you are eligable to make your own decisions. It’ll be a big step, and you’ll want to make sure your GF is behind you 100%, but this is survivable.

4

Le Sang, m’dear, you know pretty well where I sit on this issue. About one step more polite than telling them to go analy rape themselves on a fencepost.

But while they are behaving in an unacceptable manner, they do have power. I can only really share the last two similar stories I know of.

~Erica. Nearly identical deal. She was dating an athiest! and her parents flipped and did the same “no more money for you” deal. She get emancipated, found some scholarships and moved in with her heathen. Her father was the driving force of the split, her mom went nuts and filed for divorce to be able to talk to and support her daughter. Crappy month and a half and Daddy caved, Mom moved back in, Erica got funding and they all learned that thier little girl grew up.

~Me. You know most of this one. But like I said this morning, going insane and having your shrink tell your parents they need to step off is not my suggested way of things. Though it was very effective. “In my professional opinion your daughter is really quite stable. She’d be great if she wasn’t trying to let you run her life. She wants to make you happy and you want what makes her unhappy. It’d put anyone into convulsions.” As much as my mom really hated that conversation, it was a good one.

Either way, standing up to them, however obnoxious and painful, will tell and show them that you are indeed your own person. People don’t own thier kids. They just don’t. You won’t be the first person to work a pile of jobs to pay for school. Give me freedom or give me death, and all that jazz.

I understand how hard it is. I chose to try to meld myself to my parent’s wishes rather than face having to get them to accept me as my own person. And this is me, Ms. Super Independant Bitch. It is truly up to you, but I’ll support you either way you choose to go. Getting Janel’s input is vital on this one.

5

You are an adult and have the right to do what you want with your time and money.

They are adults and have the right to do what they want with their time and money.

You have no obligation to date only those people they deem acceptable and they have no obligation to pay for your college.

I think we can all agree that it is unreasonable to expect people to subsidize things they find unacceptable. For whatever reason, they find your choice of dates unacceptable and have decided not to subsidize. Sounds like you are going to be paying your way through college (but that’s ok, it’s good for you).

That said, if you aren’t planning to live with her and aren’t having sex, then I they are being pretty unreasonable. If you are having sex but not planning to live together they are being somewhat unreasonable. If you are planning to live together then they are being completely reasonable. Sounds to me like they are being slightly to somewhat unreasonable.

If the only concern they have is that she will be staying in the same house as you for several days, why not put her up in a hotel or a friends house and visit her there?

6

It sounds to me like both your parents and you are pretty emotional about this right now. Once things calm down a little, see if a compromise can be worked out. October is quite a ways off. Give your parents some time (and a little credit). They probably aren’t ogres, hell bent on ruling your life. They are just acting in (what they believe is) your best interest. Talk to them, show them that you aren’t planning to shack up (or whatever they think) with your girlfriend, and breathe deep.

Whatever happens, good luck.

7

Thanks, all. I really appreciate it; this is unfamiliar ground and you’ve helped.

Falc:
Yes, they have, and in fairly clear terms. Having tried to assuage the situation, I haven’t found a lot of room to do so - maybe luck will be with me on my next attempt. Thanks for the hug, I needed it, and I may yet take you up on your offer to listen; life tends to look a little clearer when I can talk about it.

Saint Zero:
She is :slight_smile:

Medea’s Child:
You, too, know how I feel about the whole thing. Thanks for being around when I need someone to worry at - and for the examples. You, of course, will be hearing more about this as time passes… Oh - and if I’ve not mentioned the extent to which I appreciate your friendship before now, remind me to do so somewhere off the boards, m’kay?

obfus:
Your logic is, as usual, strikingly clear. I will certainly see how they would feel about a hotel before I do anything permanent; I’m not about to chase my family off if I can easily help it.

Tommy the Cat:
Yeah, I’d say the emotions are a little high right now. I wish I had time to let things cool, though I’m pretty sure they want my decision by Wednesday. <sigh> Thanks, too, for the luck. I clearly need it.

Anyway, sorry about the bad grammar tonight, and thanks again for your help. I’ll let y’all know what happens.

Worried still, but a little clearer now,
Le Sang

8

I would say be careful because you will probably have many girlfriends in your life but you only get one family.

9

Okay, the unexperienced teenager will now share his $.02.

Personally, I think that you should at least mention the possibility of you leaving the supportive wing of your parents to them. Now, I don’t mean that you should scream “Get the Hell out of my LIFE!” at them over the phone and then hang up, (at least not yet), but you should at least remind them that it IS possible for you to go off and live on your own. Now, I don’t know if you’ve said this to them yet, but from what I’ve read, I get the idea that the only discussion about this has been focused around them threatening to cut you off.

Because of this, it seems like there are two main directions it could go. You “call their bluff,” and bring this up as a definite, serious proposition, and they back off, realizing that, wait a second, you’re an adult, and CAN make your own decisions, after all, or they agree with you, and completely cut you off. Not knowing your parents, it’s impossible to tell whether the end result will be one of those extremes, or anything in between.

No matter what the result, though, I think you should go for it. You seem to really care about your SO, and you should send a message to your parents that they can’t control your life. After all, if they’re really good people, they won’t want to cut you out of the fabric for all time. And hey, if they do, you can stay at my house till you find a job. :slight_smile:

Best wishes on the final decision,
Walt

10

Joel, check your e-mail.

Kathryn, you, too.

11

I decided, circa age 18, that my parents’ support in return for living in their house and letting them pry into my life was a bad bargain. So I moved out. I told them that their financial aid, although appreciated, was no longer necessary. So there were a few tears, but they let me go… but they still pay for some things. So I’ve got the best of both worlds. :wink:

I still have a good (better, even) relationship with my mom. As for my dad… well, he spent eighteen years guilt tripping me about everything, and I have barely begun to fight.

12

Well, I think tomorrow’s the day. Thanks all for your help and support - pray for me or wish me luck if you think about it, please.

puddleglum:
Being careful at this point is natural… I truly hope I don’t lose my family over this.

Jester:
My parents know what is at stake as well as I do; it’s a sign of how serious they are that they are willing to push this hard and I know it. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I do know my parents. The future will be, I suppose - pray that it isn’t a disaster, at least. Thanks for the offer, by the way. I appreciate it, and am pleased to be able to tell you that I won’t need to intrude like that; my job is already set up.

DRY:
Done. It may take me a bit to respond, since EE keeps me busy during the week, but I will be sure to do so. Been a while since I saw you here… good to have you back.

matt_mcl:
Glad things worked out for you; it’s encouraging to hear stories that end right. Wish me luck that things may go as well for me.

Well, off to bed with me. I’ll be back tomorrow to say how things went. Thanks for being there, folks; it helps to know there are people who care.

G’night for now,
Le Sang

13

That sounds familiar. Did the father call the athiest boyfriend “Meathead” by any chance?

14

<crosses fingers>

Best wishes, Le Sang. I’ll keep you in my thoughts.

15

Wishing you luck… and tell us how it comes out…or at least me…

LateComer, I don’t know.

16

Well, it’s at least mostly over now… things could have been a lot worse. Thankfully, there is no threat of total alienation between my family and I; they’re just unwilling to, basically, finance a relationship they view as wrong. I can understand this, and as obfus said, they have no obligation to, anyway. We’ll see how things go, I guess.

Meanwhile, thank you all for being there. Things are a little more bearable when you have people to share them with, and your wisdom and support were just what I needed. Thanks, y’all.

Ever vaguely sane,
Le Sang

17

Glad to hear that you’ve come to a compromise, Le Sang. And we’re all here for you. Hell, I’ve got nothing better to do. :slight_smile:

18

Just a few points here–which may or may not coincide with other Dopers’ sentiments as expressed here:
1)When you live under your parents’ roof, they make the rules. Granted the rules they impose on you won’t be the same when you’re 19 as they were when you were 5, but they expect that you will exercise discretion you (hopefully) acquired in 14 years.
2)Don’t bite the hand that feeds you–even if it’s just a roof over your head they are providing.
3)If your parents don’t want you to bring someone else into the home to share the room with you–tough. Go to the friend’s home or find neutral ground.
I know one family–I’ll call them the Gehrmans–who have three children, all over 35. The daughter, youngest of the three, has lived on her own most of her adult life but did move back in with the parents–and I visit the parents (in their seventies; I do their housework) and she is there sometimes when I come. She is so bellicose I pity the parents having to put up with her. Is she ever going to be up a creek when the parents are gone–and her brothers have become personae non gratae, too. :frowning:
When a cousin “Bobby” was living with us, he sneaked his girlfriend into bed, in a room he shared with me (I couldn’t blow the whistle because I was waiting for him to get some work done on my car), until my Mom found out about it and gave him holy hell over it. (He eventually married the girl and moved out on his own. She and my Mom have long since buried the hatchet. :slight_smile: )

19

dougie, you seem to misunderstand, this is in his own apartment, its even in a different state from his parent’s roof. Le Sang is college student. The roof in question will be mine, his, my SO, and his sister’s. Originally his parents had said they would pay his protion of the rent. They are threatening to backtrack on that agreement if he doesn’t discontinue relations with his GF.

This is beyond neutral ground, this is his ground. (And my ground, for that matter.)

20

Le Sang: Good Luck, Dude.

I’ll give an amen to one statement made here “You only get one family.”