In the interest of fair play:
I don’t know why all the hot chicks aren’t sleeping with me.
Go figure.
New one, from tonight.
Let’s play some video games.
Once she sees what I can do with this controller, I am guaranteed to get into her pants.
The guy who said it laughed and agreed with my translation so I think it’s all right.
Based on previous television viewing, it only takes a short time to assess what’s on a particular station. Occassional longer pauses serve to confirm this belief. It’s an example of better living through mathematics: now I don’t have to waste valuable time looking for a channel with tits on the screen.
Cant believe the men here didnt post this one, cause I know we all use it!
“I hate porn, its disgusting”
I love porn and pray every night you will watch some with me!
No, I don’t own any porn. Go ahead! Look around all you like.
FOOL. Better women than you have tried to find the Boobie Stash! Tried and failed! You think those Victoria’s Secret catalogues in the sock drawer is it, but that’s just my decoy porn. Only I know its current location is under the false floorboard between the armoire and your mother’s oak vanity chest filled with linens you never use and you and I BOTH KNOW that you don’t have the upper body strength to move them BOTH. Ha ha ha haaah!
That’s freaking hellarious.
Manspeak: The game’s almost over. (Or it’s the two minute warning)
Womanspeak: I’m almost ready to go. (Or let me just touch up my makeup)
Well maybe not all of us… my girlfriend bought me some vintage porn as a gift recently.
(sorry to interrupt the joking)
Hi honey, you look great!
sex?
Awww, I love you.
sex?
I like what you’ve done with your hair!
sex?
Let’s snuggle some.
Can I trick you into having sex?
I’ve planned a nice romantic evening for us.
sex?
I’m tired.
Can you initiate sex please?
God, I’m exhausted.
Add a blowjob too?
You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had.
You give much better head than the others.
You look beautiful in whatever you wear.
Has this comment earned me enough points that I can redeem them for sex?
I’m hungry.
I’m hungry. But some sex would still be nice.
Oh, look, the game’s on.
Shut up.
I don’t really feel like talking about our relationship.
Can’t we just have sex?
Of course you’re the only woman for me!
At least that’s all you can prove…
No, I never ever considered a threesome.
With your best friend. Okay, just that one time.
Would you please get me a beer?
And blow me?
Gloating shouldnt be allowed in here 
Your GF have a sister?? or sexy mother?
We are noticing a pattern here. 
Sure, I’ll call you.
…when the sun absorbs the earth.
No, I’m not jealous.
You’re fcking all your male friends, aren’t you?*
You look great!
She looks mad. Maybe I can ward off the explosion for a little while by buttering her up.
No, none of your friends are as pretty as you.
…they’re all much hotter. Except for that redhead, but I’d still do her.
I love you.
sex?
In the mood for a little romance?
kinky sex?
I bought you something.
bondage and domination?
How about we send the kids off for a nice weekend with your parents?
sex club?
I like your sister. She’s funny.
How come she got the big rack and you didn’t?
II’ll get started on that as soon as I finish this.
At some point between today and the day I die. If nothing else comes up.
I’m going to the hardware store.
That should kill the rest of the day.
Stop nagging!
I heard your request the first time. It has been noted and placed in the queue. I will respond at a time determined by me. That is all.
I’m going running.
I can’t stand it here one more minute.
I’m going to the gym.
The girls there are much hotter than the ones I see while running.
Some days the job just wears me out.
I got passed over for a promotion again. I’m stuck in middle management hell and will never be more successful than I am at this very moment. I will probably be laid off in the next round. All I really wanted to do was play in the band, but NO, you wanted security! So I got a “real” job and look where I am now. I haven’t seen the guys from the band in years. I wonder if they’re still playing. I remember when you used to hang out and watch us every night. You were such a hottie back then. Now look at you. My life sucks and it’s all your fault.
When they say some women are drawn to “controlling” men, I don’t think that’s quite what they mean.
That is an interpretation I never even considered.
A very funny one.
The only reason I bought that for you though is because I was curious to see it. Who knew people were so raunchy in the twenties?
[insert man phrase here]
I want sex.
I’m hungry.
I’m hungry
or
I want sex.
…and then a sammich
No, I don’t mind
*I mind. But not enough to deal with the whole discussion bound to follow me saying so. *
That’s fine.
It isn’t, but I can’t really articulate why it isn’t, and it isn’t important enough to waste more than 3 words on anyway
I’m sorry
I have no idea what the F@%$ just happened, but given the buzz-saw I just walked into, I’d best say the magic words.
Yeah, I’m listening
*You say everything at least 3 times. At the end, it will turn out that you don’t want me to provide a solution to whatever you’re nattering on about, you just want me to listen, and to care. I just skinned my knuckles trying to detach this garbage disposal, where I know I’ll find congealed grease, despite the fact that I have explained to you why that isn’t something you pour down the damn thing at least 3 times. In short sentences. Looking for a specific action on your part. This sh&t really hurts, and the bleeding is getting worse. Damn, why won’t this thing come off already. It’d be nice if there was a reward at the end of here project. Que the “chicka chicka” - ah, fat chance. Darn, thought I’d fixed that leak. *
The search engine’s not working for me. Where is the equal time thread?
Oh. Okay. I thought he meant some GD about whether spouses should devote equal time to household chores or something. Thanks, though.
Joe Montana.
No cookie!
For your penance, recite the words to “You Shook Me All Night Long” twice.
My Og, you can suck the fun right out of a joke thread.
Did you actually read your first sentence/paragraph above?
Whistlepig
Cookie?