My emphasis and parsing.
I’m no fan of Freud, but really…
And you shouldn’t have told. You were the naughty boy, you felt bad and you told her to relieve yourself of that bad feeling. Surely you didn’t think she’d be happy to hear about it. Unfortunately you’ll never stop hearing about it.
Although thinking about this on a purely practical level, if kissing is cheating then what of all those married actors?
If you don’t think you did anything wrong then why tell her?
what of all those married porn actors? :eek:
I’d be a little careful of that definition; Mrs. RickJay (although she tries not to let on) is jealous just of the idea that I work with female co-workers. So while I certainly would talk with my female co-workers in front of my wife, I can’t say she’s be totally unconcerned with it. She’d be jealous if the co-worker in question was attractive. It’s just a self-confidence thing, not a big deal, but there it is.
But KISSING other women? C’mon, that’s not just over the line, it’s jumping over the line and sprinting past it.
don’t ask, I think by kissing the OP meant a really affectionate kiss. Actors are just acting.
All you folks who say ‘don’t tell’ are missing an important point.
If you tell…and she hangs it over your head for the rest of your life…then she’s not a woman you want to be spending the rest of your life with, get me?
So tell…honesty is always good. And if she keeps bringing it up you’ve learned a valuable lesson about moving on.
If you are cheating, maybe the relationship should be ended.
If you are caught cheating, the only hope you have of saving the relationship is that slight reasonible doubt. Otherwise prepare for a lifetime of having it thrown in your face.
Dude, you CHEATED on her. How much of a woman to spend the rest of your life with can she be?
Well, not to pick nits, but showing jealousy is not the same as believing you are cheating. The very existence of your wife’s concern over your female co-workers does not mean you have cheated, not even in her estimation, I think. She is not specifically concerned that the act itself is cheating, which is what I meant in my definition. Sounds like she has other issues (though, as you say, not a big deal or uncommon at all).
Honesty is good ?
So tell her you are attracted to other women…
Tell her you sometimes think of an old girlfriend…
Tell her that she is your choice for life… but other women are more beautiful.
All of these three are normal things men think… and yet being honest about it is less than helpful. This “honest is good” has exploded in my face time and again… its a lie. Some women of course do accept this “honesty” well… most don’t. Women can be very insecure creatures… best keep 'em in the dark on some things.
As for cheating... if it meant nothing to you... why mention it to her ? Naturally she will give it way more weight than you do... which is a bad thing. In fact its better that you cheat and give up on doing so further... than keeping a secret desire to cheat for years on end.
You have the obligation to be honest only to yourself. If the cheating meant nothing… keep quiet. If it rocked your world… do you want to finish your marriage ? Its about you first… how you feel about it. If cheating makes life better… why not ? If your life is becoming a web of lies to cover up your escapades… be honest to yourself and stop.
I want to thank you guys/gals…I’m in need of help. I want to gain her trust back, whether I stay with her or not. What can I possibly do?
I think the definition of cheating is like the definition of pornography: You know it when you see it. Chances are, if you have to wonder for more than a moment “did I cheat?”, you did.
I’m of the oppinion that the rules are “lookie-no-touchie”. It’s ok to read the menu, but yer on a diet, pal. A looooong diet. Get used to it.
If you are going to re-gain her trust, you have to put some effort into exhibiting some trustworthy behavior.
Now is the time for you to have a serious heart-to-heart talk with her. If she refuses to talk to you, write her a letter. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms how you feel about her–I mean, no holds barred here. Tell her exactly what she means to you. Apologize, make sure she knows that this drunken kiss meant nothing to you, and then make an effort to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
The rest is up to her. She might need some time to think about whether she wants to trust you. In that case, you’ll have to be patient. And you’ll need to decide how long you want to be patient. I think that for both of you, this is a decision of whether this relationship is worth saving, and what you are willing to do to save it. She is likely to have some issues with insecurity and jealousy with you in the future, and both of you need to decide if you can handle it when those issues come up.
GREAT advice IMO. I appreciate it. I’ll try talking to her, but she really doesn’t like me right now. I wonder if flowers would help.
As far as only being honest to yourself, then you shouldn’t make any commitment to anyone else to begin with. Unless you live in a society where a relationship is not by your choice, just don’t get into one. Once you have made a commitment or legal promise (marriage) to someone to care for them also and not just yourself, the least you owe them is honesty. No you don’t generally tell your spouse about the hot male/female you were checking out (though I do have some married friends that do). It would make them feel insecure about the relationship without reason. Really, if you don’t want to get married or be in a serious relationship though then don’t get into one.
Lying is better? :dubious:
Why? I am not attracted to other woman or women.
Sure, she knows all about them. Your point being?
I suppose such a woman might theoretically exist, but highly doubtful.
Your desire not to do it again?
I assume you don’t want to be kept in the dark, either?
It’s only cheating if you get her pregnant. Or if you get pregnant.
If it was a mistake or one-time thing, why tell your SO you cheated? To relieve your guilt? Because you believe the honesty will make the relationship stronger? No good will come from it.
I second msmith537… your risking imploding a good relationship based on blurting out your mistakes.
Also why would I want to know my GF cheated on me ? Ignorance is Bliss I say. Its hard dealing with being cheated… but if the SO did it for meaningless reasons… I’d rather not know. If she does it all the time… then eventually I will get the drift and get out of the relation, if it was a one shot thing… who cares ? Were just human.
I'd rather be in a harmonious but less than totally honest relation... than a honest and distrustful one because my imagination is making up things after I am informed of the cheating.
BONEZZZ... I agree totally with you... except that you can enter a relationship and be honest to yourself. Now if you remain in a relation you should be happy and good about it. When the relation isn't working and you've tried fixing it... leave. That is being honest to yourself and the other person...Bullshit. If you can’t tell your SO the truth, you don’t HAVE a good relationship, never have, and never will.
However, if all you want is convenient pussy and a superficial show-off gal, by all means, treat her like shit and lie to her.
You need to learn how to treat people, buddy, much less women in general.
Well tell that to Carlos... apparently he tried to be honest... and BUUM... right on his face. I agree telling the truth is ideally best... but in practical terms... its not most of the time. Especially since it opens a can of worms that is hard to close again.I talked to her last night and I made her aware that I will never do that again. I got down on my knees and begged for forgiveness:( It took me 4 hours of convincing, but I’m glad to say she decided to work things out between us…I have no one else to thank but the dopers!! THANKS. Honesty is the best pollicy.