Delivery Company, are you trying to put me out of business?

OK here’s how it works, ok? First pick it up at my place, take it to the address on the package, pick up a legitimate form of currency if the package is COD, and then return said currency to me. Seems so simple right? Well why in the flying fuck can’t a company that’s been doing this for years get it right? The following is the exact conversation I had with the nameless delivery company yesterday.

Hi this is Mindless Drone can I help you?

Me: Sure you can; can you tell me if it’s standard procedure for your driver to look at a check to be sure it’s signed before placing it in one of your envelopes?

MD: I’m not sure what you mean.

Me: Well for the second time in as many days your company has delivered me an unsigned check. (Note: This has happened six times and I’ve been in business barely 8 months.)

MD: Well should the checks have a signature?

At this point, I was absolutely stunned. I paused a minute to keep from screaming.

Me: When you get your paycheck is it signed? When you pay a bill; don’t you sign the check?

MD: Well maybe you can send the check back so it can be signed.

ME: And your company going to reimburse my shipping fees right?

MD Well, we’re not responsible…

Me: Your manager, please.

MD: Wait…but

If that wasn’t bad enough, I had a guy from another company visiting today. He shipped his sales material to himself at my address using the same company. Apparently whoever was in charge of shipping at his company used a COD waybill instead of a standard waybill. We sat chatting waiting for the delivery guy to bring his sales material. The following is what happened as near as I can recall it.

Driver: I have a COD package for Ed.

ED: COD? But it’s from my company.

Driver: Well it’s still a COD.

ED: How much?

Driver: I don’t know; that parts blank.

Ed: Well I’ll just take it then.

Driver: No you have to pay the COD.

Ed: But you just said it’s blank.

Driver: Yes, but it’s still a COD.

ED: So how do I get my package?

Driver: Well you’ll have to call the shipper and have them call my company so that I can release it.

Ed and I: That’s insane; I’m the shipper.

I pick up the phone and dial 1-800-GO-APE-SHIT.

MD2: Thanks for calling, may I help you.

I explain the problem. She asks for a tracking number, which I provide. She says there’s a handling charge of $2.13. Great I tell the driver, who refuses to collect $2.13. Why? It’s not on the package; he’ll have to take it back to get the amount filled in and redeliver.

It’s the first time I wanted to cry at work.


Reminds me of a possible urban legend: (feel free to elaborate in your head)

guy keeps getting hit with late fees even though the balance due is $0.00. Blah blah we’re sorry, we’ll get it fixed. Never gets fixed.

Guy finally ends up writing check to company for $0.00 and then his bank goes all nuts on him for screwing up their system.

It was a weird story.

I once got a letter from American Express threatening to take legal action against me if I did not immediately remit the balance due of $0.00.

This just keeps getting worst. Did anyone else know that Fed-Ex has different drivers for Ground and Express packages? You did? Well good for you, but I bet you didn’t know this…they have different facilities too! I swear, I wish I was making this up.

I’m leaving the office today and I notice that I there’s still two packages on the delivery table. Not a probem I think snatching them up, there’s a Fed-Ex facility near the airport which is between my business and the house. I’ve done this before, I ship online and schedule a pickup but sometimes I forget that second step, and so I drop it at Fed-Ex myself with no problems.

Now this is not a MBE or some other agent for Fed-Ex, this is an actual Fed-Ex facility with a big sign saying the same. I go in walk up to the desk toss my packages in the basket and start to walk away.

Clerk: “Sir?”

I turn back…“yes”

Clerk: “You can’t leave this here”

Why not?

Clerk: “This is a Ground package, we only do Air here”

I wasn’t in a mood for another headache, so I just picked them up and left. I absolutely didn’t want her to explain the lunacy behind this policy. They’re still in the backseat of my car. I’m going to eat the cost and overnight them Monday.

Ah yes, the mindless clerk. Find them everywhere. Their call is “I’m only a _______.” To which I reply, “and that’s all you’re ever be!”