Do you know what i’m talking about? I’ve never been truly suicidal, but since my teens i’ve had sporadic episodes of what i’d consider moderate depression. Thoughts turn to suicide but not really. Just sort of cataloging the least painfull/messy exit in case your current state doesnt lift.
But it has always gone away. The worst has been a month, maybe two of despair. I have to put myself into a kind of robot mode to get through work and daily responsibilities.
I’ve found as i’ve gotten older, the depressive episodes no longer trigger suicide thoughts. I’ve been through it so many times I can feel it coming on and its like there is a sort of rational ‘me’ in the background observing it. I’ll be driving to work and I just want to get in the fetal position in a dark room for the next month, but then there is a part of my brain holding a conversation with the depresso side. That part of my brain is saying “wow this is a bad one this time”. But I know it’s gonna end. So it’s easier to endure. Is there a term for that part of your brain that stays rational and observes itself?
Detachment. Emotional numbing. You’re separating yourself from things. Friends, family, society, whatever. You’re detached enough that you feel like you’re standing on the outside looking in. Your emotions are a mess, or possibly just numb, and so a different part of you is doing the watching. You feel helpless, not in control of it, maybe not anything, and this is a kind of a way to assert some form of control.
Please get help. It can get better. I know this for a fact, learned it the hard way.
You are encountering what some traditions call “The Witness” (just one example linked to-Google for more)-I noticed it when I was in the deep throes of my depression as a youth 30 years ago-there seemed to be part of my mind which was unaffected by my internal slings and arrows and turmoils and would just sit back there and observe everything without being affected by it. One thing which helped me to defeat my depression was cultivating this part of my mind.
I disagree. First, this is all stuff I’ve discussed at length with my therapist. It is a complicated thing, and there is no one way to get through it. I named some of the things that she has identified as what we need to work through. His description matched what I felt pretty well.
Second, Meditation can help, but it’s not like that alone is going to cure much. Meditation focuses inward, and for someone who is depressed that’s not always the best idea. When you’re depressed your thought patterns and logic are twisted around, and self contemplation can lead to bad places.
I don’t have a name for it, but I’ve long experienced the logical side of my brain watching the emotional side. The rational side is usually saying “what the hell is wrong with you?”
I know what the OP is talking about, I don’t have a name for it. I find that meditation has a similar effect – being aware, noticing what’s going on without becoming part of the turmoil.
Very interesting Quintas - I have been going through this exact thing lately. I’ve found that the worst times coincide with my “cycle” (I’m a woman) and I’ll get to the point of suicidal thought that I’m able to talk myself out of pretty easily, rationalizing that it is just a momentary hormone imbalance.
The rest of the time, when I’m not so low but just “off” I am absolutely watching myself from the outside. Telling myself to eat, to clean, congratulating myself for doing small chores, avoiding friends and family when I know I am going to be mean, making myself do fun things once in a while. Half of me is keeping the other half from lying down and crying.
I keep wondering if my reaction to all this comes from living alone and feeling alone. There’s no one to help me but me, which is why the other me is so strong for the weak me.
Does anyone else who goes through this live alone?