Desperate for advice about friendships with women..

In My Humble Opinion
1

Here’s the story.

Jennifer.
Friend of a friend knows I am single, meets me at party, emails and asks me to hang out. We go for a 7 hour hike together, have great time. We have a talk about- us. I say I am not really looking to get in a relationship, I am really just looking for friends right now. She says, “Just know I like you a lot. I am attracted to you…” and then she sort of says a whole stream of consciousness thing that involves the words…“take it slow”…“building to something later maybe…” Ok that’s that. We basically agree we are friends, but she is clearly very interested in me…and she has a child and she is definately looking for a husband and a father for her child and she wants another child. got all that?

So I am seriously in need of friends, I am kinda new to this town again, and I do like this a little nutty girl Jennifer, but I am not really attracted to her, and I am fairly certain I am not going to be the man she marries…But I love having a new friend. We go on another hike, we go out to eat a couple times- split the bill… She invites me to two partiies at her house with all her neighbors…it is fun…

So at the second party, I meet one of her neighbors…girl #2…let’s call her Helga. Helga and Jennifer and I have this threesome that night involving lots of whipped cream and…wait no that didn’t happen…sorry… Ok, let me start again. I meet Helga at this party and I really find Helga interesting. She is really quirky and funny and just one of those people I am just immediately kinda curious about. Helga and I end up talking a ton that night- really hit it off i guess. Not really a sexual attraction thing again from my perspective, but she is cute.

Ok, so after the party…I look up Helga on facebook and send her a note. Helga is Jennifer next door neighbor… Anyways, Helga and I exchange some emails, and she asks if I want to hang out. I end up inviting Helga over to my new place and help me build furniture…

Sigh, I am so pathetic when it comes to people and social skills…

Anyways, Helga came over to my place last night and we ended up eating pizza and drinkinig wine and having a grand ole time–no sex or kissing. She did say she found me attractive…I must be hot stuff huh? I am quite the 35 year old divorcee hunk of meat in this town of 10,000 people… anyways, we say we are gonna be friends and I really like Helga…in fact I invite her to come over AGAIN…tommorrow night and make me dinner… Helga is a really good cook…

Anyways…this is all building up to…I am very scared of telling Jennifer that I hung out with Helga, much less that I invited Helga over again to make me dinner…I just know Jennifer will be very hurt and jealous cause she is still thinking somehow she and I will somehow become something…I dunno… I mean I literally want to be friends with both these women…I think…

Ok someone just tell me some good common sense advice for how to be a human in my situation in a way that is most fair and nice and honest but perhaps not excessively honest-to the point of hurting feelings unneccesarily…?

Jennifer just emailed me. I haven’t talked to her in 4 days. She asking hows it going? So do I email back and casually mention I hung out with her neighbor Helga? Or do I take the attitude that Jennifer doesn’t need to know who else I spend time with…we are just friends… I mean if I just blurted out I hung out with Helga AND Helga is coming over again Thurs night to make me dinner…I just think that would be like a slap in Jennifers face…but that would be the honest answer…

I have even considered inviting Jennifer to join Helga and me for dinner…but that might just be crazy wierd and awkward…hmmm

Arrggg…any advice?

2

TL; DR. Although in skimming I noticed something about a threesome, and I think you should definitely go for it.

3

Great. Thanks.

4

Yeah. Seconding that. Have Helga bring the wine and Jennifer bring the whipped cream. Problem solved. PM me your address and I’ll bring takeout.

Seriously though. Why are you so worried? You’re not plotting anything sinister or playing them against each other (or are you? mwhahaha) and if Jennifer gets jealous over Helga, that’s her problem. It’s not your fault you find Helga more interesting than Jennifer, and you have every right to explore either/both/neither relationship as you see fit. Jennifer’s a big girl now, isn’t she? You don’t have to rub it in her face, but if she asks, well, she asked.

5

The longer you wait to say something to Jennifer, the harder it will get.

You don’t have to give her an essay on your deepest feelings, just send her a friendly note saying, ‘Hey, sorry I haven’t been in touch, I was hanging out with your neighbour, Helga. She’s great, isn’t she?!’

6

Woman here. Mention casually to Jennifer that you have met Helga, and that you are glad to have found two such fun people to be friends with as you’re new in town. Jennifer may feel disappointed and insecure, and go a little quiet and be distant for a couple weeks. She may even withdraw. Keep on asking her out for friend stuff a couple times more if that happens, to let her know you value her as a friend.
If she doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore, because she wants a romantic relationship, that is her choice. But you have done nothing wrong.

7

Sounds like Jennifer has hopes for you. The sooner she comes to realise that your relationship probably isn’t going to work out like that, the more hurt it will save her. Yes, she may feel rejected and disappointed initially but that is better than hanging around you for months and months hoping you will eventually develop a romantic interest in her and having it not pan out. I would mention Helga casually to her now, before she has invested a whole lot of time and effort in you as a potential romantic partner. She may not want to be friends after that, but maybe she will, who knows. Anyway, it sounds like you will just feel awkward and vaguely guilty around her until you do tell her, and that will stuff up your friendship anyway (and be confusing for her, because she will be wondering what she did wrong). So I would say something in your next email about how Helga helped you put the shelves together, or whatever, just casually to let Jennifer know where she stands. It’s better for everyone that way.

8

I agree with the posters so far who have suggested that you let Jennifer down easy now. And I think Weedy suggested the best way to do it. You’ve got a great opportunity to mention Helga in your response e-mail.

Jennifer has already let you know that she’s interested in you as a partner. It’s clear that you’re not interested in Jennifer in that way (it doesn’t even sound like you’re that interested in her as a friend). It also sounds pretty clear that you’re not interested in dating a woman who has a child, and that’s okay dude. What’s not as okay is listening to Jennifer talk about "taking it slow"and other references to a romantic relationship without making it clear to her that that is not happen.

You might also want to give some thought to your definition of friend, and ask yourself if you really view one or both of these women that way. Friends are honest with each other, right? Start with being honest with yourself.

9

I seldom saw a thread with such unanimous anwers. :slight_smile:

I just wanted to add that a good male friend of mine, who wanted to get some new friends, joined a dating site. He said to me that it is easier to get dates then to get friends, and that he used the dating format to meet some women, as he was interested in having some women friends to talk with and hang out with. (not for sex; he explicitly never let any sexual tension develop, as that would ruin any friendship).
Some of the ladies whom he met stopped being interested when he made that clear, but some didn’t, and he has remained friends with two of them for a couple years now.

10

If you only want to be friends with both of them, what would be so awkward about the three of you having dinner? (I mean, beyond the awkwardness you’re going to have anyway when Jennifer realizes that no, you really aren’t into her? That is going to be awkward no matter what, because she’s going to feel that you led her on, and she’s going to be right. You should have corrected her about “taking it slow” and “building to something later maybe” right off the bat–not doing so is an implicit statement that there’s a possibility of you two being together and gives her false hope. Don’t do that anymore.)

Now, if you wanted a romantic relationship with Helga, invited Jenn along would be very third wheel, but if you’re solely interested in a platonic way I say treat them both as you would guy friends. You wouldn’t freak out about telling Jennifer you’d been hanging out with a guy, right? If a guy were coming over for dinner, you wouldn’t think twice about inviting Jennifer to join you, right? And besides, if you’re not interested in Helga, having Jennifer there is a good way to establish that this is NOT a date.

11

Like the others have said, definitely mention Helga casually.

But you shouldn’t hang out with these women so much if you’re pretty sure they’re interested in you and you’re not interested in them.

Woah. She seriously said that? I’d stay away from her.

Well, at least she’s open about wanting to use people for her own ends.

Aren’t there any nice men in this town for you to be friends with?

12

I don’t see why its any of Jennifers business who you hang out with and if you have no desire to actually date either of them then you don’t owe either of them any explanations or have to account for your actions. Shes a friend, one you haven’t even known very long, if she has feelings for you after you were clear to her all you wanted was friendship then that is her issue to deal with.

13

+1, pretty much.

I would add that I don’t think you have to decide anything at this point. Maybe one of the relationships will change into something romantic/sexual at a later date, or maybe neither will, but why throw away options if you don’t have to?

If they’re “on the market” and interested in dating people, I expect they already interact with other males, join them for dinner or outings, etc. I wouldn’t lead them on, but I think a reasonable person expects that you have a social circle, just as they do. I don’t think either has any “right” to know about the other.

Getting all three of you together seems like a bad idea to me. They might think you brought them together to compete for you or something. When you know them each better and are more comfortable with them individually, you might consider it but not now.

14

I agree with this completely. It establishes to Jennifer that you are friends with both her and Helga. It’s much easier to move from friendship to relationship (should you ever eventually want that with either) than the other way around.

15

Methinks the Op perhaps wants to be more than just friends with Helga, but he isn’t sure just yet.
:confused: