Deviated September (Monthly Mini-Rants)

The BBQ Pit
381

This morning my kid had a violent, screaming meltdown before school - rare for him to do at home - but he attacked the shovel in the garage, hit the side mirror of my car, screamed in our faces, and rammed repeatedly into the front seat of my car, saying he didn’t care about us and he wasn’t going to school etc etc. We managed to get him out of the car and in the door with 1:1 support and apparently he was fine after that.

We went from that immediately to a two-hour IEP meeting, which was productive but contained that all-pervasive, inescapable and underlying theme, “Your kid needs help with 8 million different things and this is going to take years to address.”

After that I said, “Well, I guess it’s time to go to work.”

I didn’t get much done, guys.

I wouldn’t like, recommend going to an LLM for your problems, but we all have our low points, and so today I asked Claude what to do if your life is unsustainable. Before I know it I’ve got the whole situation of my life poured out, and Claude says,

The self-care advice probably lands hollow when the underlying feeling hasn’t been named yet. It’s hard to prioritize yourself when you don’t feel like you exist as a separate person with legitimate needs — you feel like a function.

Yeah that’s pretty much it. I feel like a function. Not a person, just a thing that does motherhood, a thing that does work, a thing that does homeownership, etc.

I go on about feeling overwhelmed with ADHD but I think a lot of people even without ADHD would find this challenging. It’s fucking hard. Remaining calm while your child loses his goddamned mind and then transitioning straight into worker bee mode is hard. There’s not a lot of room for my own feelings.

The times I post here are the rare times I feel like an entire human being.

I called my Aunt today, we haven’t talked in months, and she’s like, “I can’t talk right now. How much time have you got?”

I laugh cried and said, “30 minutes.”

“30 minutes? Jesus Christ. How about tonight?”

So hopefully we’ll get a chance to talk tonight.

I feel okay. I mean, identifying the problem is a start. My therapist is an excellent resource for parenting autism but she wants to jump into problem solving mode right away, and I need to be like, “Hold up. I need time to feel ways about stuff.” I think she thinks my life will be better if I start taking hot baths or something but this is fundamentally like a whole different level of thing. 30 more minutes to myself every day is not going to move the needle, even if I could find that kind of time. I need to really get at the root of what I’m feeling and what’s going on with me because it’s been neglected for too long.

382

I missed part of my rant which is that whenever you’re dealing with something everyone’s like, “How’s your self care?” My therapist is like, “Your homework this week is self-care.”

Self care is an ill-defined nebulous concept but used in its most common meaning seems to be “time to yourself” and “doing nice things for yourself.” Read a book. Do a craft. etc.

Fine, you know, I really want those things. I’ve even been doing a lot of those things already - I just bought a new stitching stand and a new kraken cross stitch project.

But guess what? I still have a kid with a disability and I’m still stressed the fuck out.

It’s just sort of facile, isn’t it?

“I have a kid with a disability.”
“Have you considered a bubble bath?”

383

After a while it feels like the band playing on the deck of the Titanic as it’s sinking.

384

That was very nicely said, and I appreciate the poetry-like dissonance that so clearly illuminates your frustration!

My now-adult son had some issues growing up. I feel for you. The reality is that I don’t see what more your therapist can do other than support your own well-being. Therapy for your child, whether psychological or medical, is a separate matter of course. I just want to wish you the best, and also tell you that you’re not the only one here who is stressed out beyond belief right now, albeit for different reasons.

385

Yes, it helps sometimes to know other people are struggling, not in a gleeful way but as a sort of adjustment to self-concept and keeping things in perspective.

Husband and I were up late last night talking. Kind of a rough one because he was mad about something, but we ironed things out. We decided after we sell the old house we are going to get a cleaner. At least then we won’t have to spend our weekends cleaning bathrooms (we have two bedrooms but four bathrooms.) I’ve been working my own stuff out. My therapist has been encouraging me to write about my feelings. I find it easier to do that in my fiction. Often I’m not writing about my situation directly, but subconsciously things seem to work themselves out anyway.

I’m getting quite miffed with our cousin who is supposed to be selling our house. Last week I sent him the blurb to put on the listing, which I wrote myself. Motherfucker still has not listed it. It’s been two months since we were promised “a few weeks.” We are not enjoying paying for two houses.

386

Dear house-mate (I’ll try not to make this a theme, but I need to have another little whining session)

Please, don’t come into my room at all.

If you do, and you find me completely ignoring you aside from a grunt for hello, then the traditional approach is to leave, perhaps with a polite comment, like “oh, you are busy, see you later”.

If you do , and you do not follow the advice above, then how about this advice - DO NOT:

  • Lie on my bed
  • Take off your shoes, leading to a distinct smell pervading the already hot and stuffy room.
  • Ask to use my phone to contact people for money to buy cannabis
  • Recline on my bed, stinking up the room with your feet while having long chats on my phone with your friends/dealers.
387

Oh, wow.

And I thought it was bad when my kid barges into my bedroom.

Takes me back to my college years having roommates. I’m an introverted person. I don’t hate you, I just want to be left the hell alone. I’m at home for God’s sake.

388

Give your cousin a deadline. Maybe a week? That’s unacceptable.

389

Not much you can do when you’re not allowed to offend family, but family is allowed to offend, ignore, or hurt you.

390

As an addendum to my previous rant:

Dear housemate; sitting/lying in my room is bad enough, but for the love of all that is is holy and unholy; please do not sing along to the music I choose to play.

  1. You can’t sing. Tuneless and talentless.
  2. This means you also can’t sing falsetto. Don’t try.
  3. You don’t know the words of the Indie/Alt music* I am listening to. Picking up a few words from the chorus and using “erruuheerrruhhh” in place of the rest is insanely irritating.

* currently, Cigarettes after Sex (Youtube link)- a soft, smokey androgynous lead singer taking us on slow trip through sadness. This cannot be replicated by a non-singer with the musical abilities of a dingo impersonating a kookaburra (no disrepect meant to Australian wildlife)

391

It might be best if at least one of you were able to find somewhere else to live.

392

It sounds like your housemate is intentionally antagonizing you.

393

Well my husband has decided to let the cousin go, so to speak. We talked to our FIL who told us cousin only called one of the three wholesale contacts he was given, left a message and never followed up, then told us it didn’t work out.

We reached out to a realtor this morning who already has the copy written for the listing.

I don’t know what the family ramifications will be. We really care about both him and his wife, we just can’t afford to wait any longer. So we will pay him for his time and part ways. (He might be relieved. He might know he’s in over his head.)

394

Good point I’d not considered.

I’m not from that kind of family, so the following never occurred to me. But …

There are extended families where intra-family obligations run deep. You can’t say “No” to any even remotely plausible request, reasonable or otherwise. And doubly so if it comes from an earlier generation.

So imagine Uncle says to commercial real estate guy “You oughta help the Weasels sell their trailer - they could sure use a break”, and now real estate guy is obligated. Even if he has no ability or connections to actually sell a trailer in your jurisdiction.

Now the good family has the agent admit that to everyone, Uncle withdraws the poorly thought out request, and everyone walks away like sensible adults. But if contradicting Uncle is anathema, or the real estate guy is passive, or passive aggressive, the only way out of trying to satisfy Uncle is by trying and failing to satisfy you.

Uggh. Wish people could park their emotions and just speak English to each other like businesslike adults.

Ook-tober Mini-rants
395

(wrong month!)