You realize we’re talking about marriages here, right? I’m sure it was easy to type “change partner”, but it’s easier typed than done.
And I’ve tried your list of 3 things. Doesn’t work. It just makes her want to cuddle and tell me how cute I am and how much she loves me. Doesn’t get her horny AT ALL. It’s the exact opposite of what gets her excited.
I find that incredibly creepy. “How can I get laid tonight? I know! I’ll get her to fantasize about someone else! Then she won’t have to think about me so much. Perfect!”
Not saying it doesn’t work. Definitely does. Just creepy, and vaguely insulting.
Yup, and folks round here will look at a guy all funny if he says he likes to prop a nice centrefold up on the headboard so he’s got something interesting to look at while he’s doing the nasty, too.
Surgery? Really? I mean, REALLY?! THAT’S your suggestion? Hell, as long as we’re slicing and dicing body parts to get laid, might as well get some lipo and a nose job while you’re at it.
Oh, for Pete’s sake, the suggestion was made because if the “wife” in question (despite the name, I’m still not sure if the poster is the husband or not) is on birth control pills (again, something not made clear one way or the other in the OP) then that can be significant because birth control pills are notorious for lowering a woman’s libido. Cosmetic surgery was not the issue until you brought it up. :rolleyes:
I got a completely non-hormonal copper IUD (Paragard). That means my body’s cycle is 100% completely au naturale. There are some down sides to it, but my libido has been fantastic ever since. I highly recommend it.
I don’t think direct attempts to change someone else’s libido tend to work–they come across as self-serving at best, which is just not the tiniest shred sexy. What often does work is figuring out what’s causing the low libido and doing what’s within your power to fix the issue. It might be doing more of the housework so she’s not as tired and stressed, it might be kissing and cuddling her when you’re not trying to laid, it might be getting the snip if you’re done having kids so she can stop using hormonal birth control. As a general rule, the more the change makes her life better (as opposed to being solely motivated by you getting more sex) the better it tends to work.
And in ways women really are like cars–the longer you leave 'em sitting in the driveway, the flatter the battery gets.
What’s the rolleyes for? Is any of the things suggested too much trouble for you to bother with? Because those things DO work for me. The Man notices when I’ve been down and puts his arms around me and maybe takes me out to brunch unexpectedly once a month or so, or brings home a nice bottle of wine? Tells me a joke, asks me what I think about the ruckus at the neighbor’s, or how my sick mother is doing now? I don’t need a diamond necklace, I don’t need a LOT. I do need SOMETHING!
Here’s what doesn’t work: Go about your life, work, hobbies, etc. without ever saying anything other than “what time do we eat” , “where’s my blue shirt”, “did you put gas in the car”…Then when the spirit moves you, drop your pants and expect the awesome sight exposed to rev up the woman’s engine. HAH! just one more chore to knock off.
Everything is easier typed than done. Typing “if you want to lose weight, eat less and excercise more” is easier than eating less and exercising more.
I feel for you. The things I wrote is what my experience has taught me over time and relationships. They are basically the boiled down essence of what has made my relationship(s) successful. It has worked for me, it may not work for you.
Maybe it is a cultural difference. The culture here is much, much, much more egalitarian between sexes. I live in the worlds most feminist country (Sweden if you’re wondering). My impressions of US culture and gender roles is that it is very different. I’m going to make some horribly offensive generalisations now so I apologise in advance. The intent is not to insult or claim the truth of what I am saying, it is just me trying to communicate something that I think, that might be helpful/interesting:
Gender roles in the US are much more ‘traditional’. Men are supposed to be horny unemotional dogs, women are supposed to be… ‘virginal’ if that is a word. My main impression of relationships is that US women find US men to be selfish, emotionally immature and only interested in sex, ie: fulfilling the cultural stereotype. All american women I have talked to about it (a handful) have expressed this.
I think that the relationships are unequal. The man has most of the power and is supposed to have the stronger libido. The womens power comes from controlling access to sex. It becomes a bargaining, a struggle, a manipulation or whatnot. In a more egalitarian(?) relationship, both people are open about their needs and libidos and find it satisfying both to please their partner and themself.
Women, in my experience, love making love as much as men. But the culture may not allow them to, and anyone who feels their needs aren’t met emotionally is unlikely to be up for sex. In my relationship it is probably more common for me to turn down sex than my partner. That is true for most of my relationships. I like to think it is because women have a bigger capacity for sex, not my libido being weak, but whatever.
Women tend to be more turned on by fantasies, emotions and touch. Men tend to be turned on by visual stimuli. So I try to turn on my partner according to what she likes, she tries to turn me on according to what I like. I also find that women in general are much more open to some… untraditional erotic exercises than you’d expect. Such as mild roleplaying, dirty talk or ‘risk taking’ such as sex in public places. Not as much by “porn-inspired” visually based stuff.
I get what you mean and I just think it is a little strong to call it creepy. I get turned on by lots of things that has nothing to do with my partner, mainly other beautiful women. I don’t think she’s being creepy if she uses my awakened lust for her own pleasure. Actually I appreciate it.
Surprising anecdote of little scientific value:
At a party last year I asked 6 women if they enjoyed being spanked. Only one was completely against it. 3 were positive, 2 thought it was positive in “special circumstances”. And the 5 were actually surprised by the 6:ths unequivocal dismissal of it.
I am going to add, touch her in a non-sexual way regularly - give her hugs, kisses, cuddles without it leading to anything.
Also, for many women, foreplay starts as soon as you wake up in the morning. You can’t come home from work, eat dinner, watch TV and jump into bed and expect her to be in the mood. It’s a slow burn.
Generally speaking, like anything, the other party has to WANT a change. However, mismatched sex drives should be looked on as a team problem that requires a team solution. Don’t accuse or lay blame – it isn’t important whether she has done something wrong, or whether you did something wrong, or a little of both. As long as both people want to work together towards a solution, that’s the important thing.
Two books that many people find useful are
“The Sex-Starved Marriage” by Michele Weiner-Davis
“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman
I recall seeing some therapy-type TV show a while back. To remove gender stereotypes, I’m just going to refer to the couple as W and Z. Anyway, W was horny all the time; Z was starting to pull away from the relationship.
The advice from the therapist was for W to just DIY it for a while, absolutely not initiate sex at all (ok to have sex if Z initiated!) and - this is the important part - for W to ramp up the amount of non-sexual physical contact. The idea was that Z had gotten used to the fact that every time W came up and starting kissing or grabbing a little ass, the message was “C’mere, let’s have sex” and it became just another chore, as another poster mentioned. Thus, the kissing or ass-grabbing had became a turn-off for Z. So W was advised to come up to Z and kiss a little, grab a little ass and then … go back about their own business. Lather, rinse, repeat, until non-sexual physical contact had been firmly re-established as part of their relationship.
Worked on the TV show. Z got their libido back. YMMV but the advice seemed very sound.
I’m just playing around here. Sometimes I imagine a thread taking place in a pub while others imagine it in a therapist’s office. Go figgur’. Consider my post a visceral reaction to the thought of scalpels and scrota.
My wife and I joined a gym together, and it’s REALLY helped. We don’t workout together, but we’re usually in the gym at the same time. We had an active sex life before we joined (couple times a week), but the gym has added a substantial amount of…intensity.
My libido made a huge jump from about 37 to now (almost 41)…
here are the contributing factors as near as I have been able to figure
-had a tubal ligation…didn’t realize how much fear of getting pregnant was affecting my interest until after the surgery.
-husband had a heart attack…nothing like almost losing someone (and facing middle age with no sex) to make sex more appealing
-as a result of heart attack both me and my husband lost weight and exercise everyday
-kids getting older…am better rested…there was a time when NOTHING could compete with the chance of sleep…
-sudden interest in romance novels and other forms of porn for women (though this could be result of change in libido and not cause)
-got older…increased libido as a woman ages due to changing mix of hormones is fairly standard story.
all this happened without my husband getting noticeably more interested in housework and compliment-giving, though those would not go amiss.
I think it’s kind of a misunderstanding to suggest that the solution to the problem is to raise the libido. Part of it is accepting that sex isn’t necessarily something you have to be ‘‘in the mood for’’ to agree to and ultimately enjoy. ‘‘I don’t feel like it’’ doesn’t have to mean, ‘‘If you start touching me and rubbing my erogenous zones, I won’t be aroused and start touching you back.’’ Once you get started you can find yourself in the mood pretty damn fast.
It’s not an issue very many women think is a joke or a game, just so you know. Hormonal birth control carries a lot of side effects, most of which tend to suck. They don’t suck so much as having a kid you don’t want so you stay on the birth control, but the side effects still suck. And many of those side effects add to not wanting to have sex, from a direct drop in libido to retaining water (feeling fat and bloaty ain’t hot, y’all) to reduced energy (more prone to tiredness and stress related to managing housework and kids). The resulting lack of desire is often treated as a failing on our part, or something that needs to be “fixed.” (Being treated like you’re broken is also not hot, btw.)
So when someone has the sort of hysterical reaction you did to the suggestion that maybe a guy could have a one-time 15-minute procedure that would alleviate those issues because of your precious, precious balls…we are not amused.
Z got their libido back. YMMV but the advice seemed very sound.