Did anyone have a close family member stop talking to you?

In My Humble Opinion
41

As a temporary measure, it has been frequently used both by my mother and hers. When I got admitted into graduate school abroad, Mom didn’t talk to me for a week; she’d leave me little notes stating my duties, when she wanted me to do some housework. Dad said “I’m sorry she’s being like this, but you don’t seem to have a problem with it?” “Nah, I’m rather enjoying having less work than usual :D. I wouldn’t have done this to piss anybody off, but if she chooses to be mad at something that’s evidently good, it’s her problem.”

There are some relatives to whom I speak as required by politeness. If we happen to be at the same table I’ll pass the salt, but I’m not going out of my way to be at the same table. They’re people with whom I have very little in common beyond genetics and a family tree.

42

My mother stopped talking to me.

She has a habit of making me feel guilty every time I do something she doesn’t like. For example, if I forget to send an email she asked for, she’ll say this is an example about how I do not care about her. If I really cared, the logic goes, I would have put more effort into sending the email.

I decided to be assertive and ask her to stop. She said it was rude of me to tell her to stop talking and that I don’t respect her if I don’t listen to her advice. She’s not talking to me until I apologize and start respecting her again.

43

That’s bad behavior on her part all around. I’m sorry she’s doing this to you, but here’s some support for holding the line and enduring the silent treatment. If you give in, it only gives feedback that this kind of manipulation works.

44

Thank you for sharing your story Lakai.

Of course apologizing and reinforcing such behavior is highly likely not on the agenda nor should it be. But Dr. Drake being right is sometimes small comfort when one is rejected by the ones who we should be able to depend on for unconditional love and support.

My family dynamic was a bit complex in that my mother was a very non-maternal person who really likely never wanted any kids and outward expression of love or affection was not her thing. My Dad a long hours working man who clearly favored his younger boys, especially the baby conceived specifically to name after his much loved died too young brother, over the older girls. The older three girls, all born within three years of each other had issues that I can understand even if taking it out on me was wrong: never getting much affection from either parent ever, and seeing the me as the baby being relatively put on a pedestal from early years on. Of course I was clueless about that growing up and got some affection from them, mainly the oldest, that offset for me our mother’s honest inability to attach to any of us. Resenting me was understandable really even though I had no fault in the matter.

Still, they, especially my oldest sister, had been my source growing up of what most others get from a mother. Being tossed away even by a sister who served that function hurts, no matter how much validation you otherwise get in life … still does and it was years ago now … how much more so when it is your mother who is willing to toss a relationship with you into the trashcan rather than show you any consideration at all?

Sorry for what you are going through Lakai. And also sorry that there are so many of us able to normalize that experience for you.

45

No, my family has not done this, to date either. I think I might call my mom tomorrow and tell her I love her, though.

46

I haven’t experienced this in my family of origin, but it’s rampant in my husband’s family. When he was getting divorced from his first wife, his mother sent him a letter (!) stating that she wanted no further contact with him. She has generally held that line unless there’s something she needs, like someone to fix her stove or look at her furnace.

His oldest son - my stepson - cashes the birthday and Christmas checks his father sends but otherwise has almost no interaction with him unless he needs something. From what I understand, they had a contentious relationship prior to my arrival. When stepson learned his father was remarrying (to me), he demanded that my husband either rent or give him his house since we planned to live in mine. When my husband told him we couldn’t afford to do that, at least not at a rent that my stepson could pay (mortgage itself was pricey), he informed his dad that no, he would not be best man at the wedding and wanted nothing further to do with him. Except for the checks, help with moving as needed. etc.

I am really glad my family of origin doesn’t behave like this. :eek:

47

My brother is a challenge and at times I really want to not (as in never ever) talk with him. I am struggling with how to forgive him for what he says and what he does. It may not be possible and I may have to move on.

I have pitted about him before, back in Feb 2013.

So, it’s a reverse of the OP’s situation and I haven’t read the thread yet.

48

Well, I suspect that the topic itself leads to some significant self-selection in who’s choosing to post in it.

For myself, I suppose I’m fortunate in that there isn’t any of this in my family.

That said, my sister-in-law regularly inflicts guilt and emotional abuse on my wife (and is unrepentant about it). I would be perfectly happy to never have to associate with my sister-in-law again, but, despite how often she’s hurt my wife, my wife will never cut ties with her. So, my role winds up being counselor and support for my wife when her sister pulls this crap.

49

My younger sister, who could never be at fault for anything and blamed me for all the abuse she committed on me. I told my mother to tell her to never contact me again or I would call the cops.

50

Can you come back and update us when this happens? I need closure!

51

Thanks Dr. Drake and DSied for the support. What’s painful is that a long time ago I vaguely remember being in a loving and supportive family. Now it’s all misery and bullshit psychodrama.

52

My brother stopped speaking to me years ago when my mother died and left my sister the house. He thought he was getting it and my mother let him think that because she was afraid of his temper. My sister knew about this and was ready for the fallout when the will was read. I sided with her, because she did everything for my mother including taking her on their vacations, doctor appointments, grocery shopping, etc. (my mother didn’t drive).

So my brother called me one night while drunk and told me he would beat my ass the next time he saw me. He lives across the street from my sister and has guns, so I called the cops and explained the situation and his temper and asked them to ride by his trailer. My sister confirmed that they did.

My biggest fear was that he would walk across the street and shoot my sister.

All this over a house that’s worth 80k, tops.

53

I stopped talking to my biological father about three years ago when I found out I was conceived by rape. He drugged my mother at a party when they were eighteen. I can’t say I was terribly surprised to find out, he was a compulsive idiot drunk and it was just the sort of selfish thing he would do without fully considering the consequences. Apparently he felt bad and apologized to her shortly after she got pregnant, but then they got married and he was abusive as hell. I didn’t talk to him about it. I just stopped returning his phone calls. It explains a lot about how my mother treated me.

I’ve tried to end my relationship with my abusive mother three times - once when I was 17, once when I was 22, and about three weeks ago. Third time’s the charm. I know things have changed in my heart because she’s visiting my Grandmother right now (trying to stir up shit, mostly) and my Grandmother is a nervous wreck according to my Aunt and just wants her to go home. I said, ‘‘It’s just not worth it.’’ Probably the saddest reality I’ve ever had to face is that loving someone deeply is not always sufficient to sustain a relationship.

I’m glad I’m not alone.

54

I doubt it will last but my older sister is apparently not speaking to me or my brother. A month or two back she asked my brother for a loan and he had the temerity to ask (after agreeing to give her the money) what it was for. She went ballistic, shouting it was none of his business, etc. When told about it, I made the mistake of pointing out that she herself would never just blindly hand over money to someone, and cited past examples. She told me I was an idiot and so was our brother.

She’s always been irrational and volatile, so I’m sort of relieved to not be dealing with her, and tend to avoid her anyway. It was about a month before I noticed she wasn’t speaking to me.

55

An older brother got all butt-hurt over some shit and stopped talking to all of us. He got killed before any resolution, or further damage for that matter, could take place.

Just before last Christmas, my sister went psycho, and burned some pretty big bridges. Only my brother has heard from her (because she wants shit from him :rolleyes: ). Going on six months now.

My mom is pissed off about this. She has done so much for my sister and gets this in return. Mom said to me she is thinking about “not being so generous” in the future. I know what this means, and believe me, that will get her attention.

56

I come from a dysfunctional family so there’s always drama. My abusive father and depressed mother were unable to provide any sort of resemblance to a loving household.

Sometime after my father died, my older brother stopped talking to us. Some 15 years later we found out that his dysfunctional wife was behind it, and she had also stopped talking to her mother as well. It broke my poor mother’s heart and she never was permitted to have a relationship with their kids. The dysfunctional sister-in-law was downright cruel to my mother. She cut up Valentine’s Day cards which my mother had send to their kids and mailed them back. My mother ran into my brother once at a supermarket, and he walked past her in the isle, not even glancing her way.

He suddenly decided that all was fine and started showing back up at Mom’s place, sometimes bringing the kids and eventually his wife. I was in Japan so I didn’t interact.

On one of my trips back to the States, he stopped in while I was at my mother’s place and wanted to “reconnect.” His first question was “are you still married?” WTF?

I told him to come outside for a chat, where I confronted him about his raping me, my younger brother and several other kids. He told me how much that had hurt him over the years. When I told him that I didn’t hear an apology, then he said he was sorry that “bad things happened to you.” At which point, I told him to fuck off. That was 10 years ago, and I have no interest in ever talking to him again.

My younger brother suffers from mental illness, but refuses medication. He’s been homeless for a decade or more. I used to try really, really hard to help him. Since he would have problems working, I offered to pay him to do volunteer work for however long it could, 15 minutes or 8 hours. (This was back when I was making good money.)

He wouldn’t do it. He wanted my money for free, on top of the several hundred dollars a month mother gives him. We would go through these cycles where he would email me wanting help. I’d offer things such as paying for counseling or an attorney to help him file for disability. He didn’t wan that, he would want me to fund some sort of pie-in-the-sky adventure such as building a new jet engine. After a few email exchanges, then he’s blow up and call me vile names. I’d tell him to fuck off, which he would for six months or so, and then he’d start it up again.

Finally, after our first was born and died, he sent an extremely hateful email saying while I was personally responsible for Ian’s death, and how much that had hurt him, that I needed to give him money because of that. That was it and I simply blocked all email addresses from yahoo.com.

My oldest sister and I have had a couple of periods of not talking. Too many issues. When we do talk, then we’re best of friends.

I’ve got 29 cousins on my mother’s side and you would need a 3D model to keep track of who is not taking to whom. Did I mention that I came from a dysfunctional family?

There is actually a lot more, but it would be pretty boring giving all of the petty details.

I’m not completely innocent myself. You don’t grow up in that sort of environment without developing issues yourself. Now that I’ve got kids of my own, trying to get better is a much higher priority.

57

Oops ,sorry.:o

58

Not me, but my dad and his older brother.

2 years before I was born, my father bought a brand new, 1965 Dodge Dart convertible. He picked it out and showed it to Mom, who approved, and he bought it. My uncle was furious!! :eek:
Dad had not discussed this major purchase with him.
He quit talking to him - for 6, maybe 8 years. At this point in time, my father was 38 years old, married, and raising two children!

Fast forward 30-35 years, and I’d just shown up at the family reunion. Waved to a couple people on my way, but beelined to my parents for a hug. When Dad hugged me, he hissed furiously in my ear, “Go and lock your car!” Family reunions are not held in a local park. We’re on the side of a foothill in PA. There is not another residence for at least an acre. WTF?! . “What? Why?” I asked him, confused. He replies, “Well, unless you want people going through it!! :mad:”

Mom hugged me, then said, “Let’s go for a walk.” To my car. To lock it. On the way, she tells me that Dad had gone out to his brand new pick-up truck to get his camera, and saw my uncle, sitting in the passenger seat, reading the sales paperwork from his glove compartment. :eek:
He didn’t say anything, don’t cause a scene, and all. To his credit, he said not a word…even when he overheard my uncle casually relaying what my father had paid for the truck to other family members!! :eek::eek::eek:

I haven’t talked to that uncle since the death of my mother, 6 years ago.
I also have a brother that I refuse to talk to, but that’s his fault.

59

My brother just vanished for 25 years. When dad died, I had to track him down (SS# was all we needed to find him). He felt annoyed and a tad guilty for not contacting anyone, but he now communicates with us and comes to visit now and then. Made a reasonable life for himself where he settled down. There was an Org involved in the situation, so I at least kind of think I can understand why he was laying low.

I have one cousin that I have cut off. His sister brought him to a funeral some years back, but I did not get a good vibe. We spent a fair bit of time together as teenagers and later, but he demonstrated repeatedly that he was untrustworthy. It was already obvious then that he was a pathological liar, thief and nuisance sociopath. At some point, I just decided that having anything to do with him was a hazardous waste of my time, so I just avoid him the way I avoid hornets, only moreso. Which is easy enough with him being 400 miles away.