I am dating a really attractive, fun, and smart girl. She and I just started dating about a week ago. We had our first little problem this weekend.
She wrecked her car, and when she told me about it, she made up a story about how it was someone else’s fault. I could tell by the damage that it wasn’t because somebody hit her car while it was parked, like she said.
Soon thereafter, what I had thought was confirmed by her friend, and I knew that she had lied to me. Sure, it was a tiny thing, but it got me to wondering, “What else would she lie to me about?”
It bothered me for a day or two, and I wanted to give her time to come clean, and not berate her as soon as I found out. Luckily, she came to me and apologized profusely, and told me the whole truth.
Because her friend, who has known her longer than I, said it was completely out of her character, I forgave her, with a condition or two. I told her that our trust was not as good as it had been, but I think that the relationship was well worth holding on to. She was very apologetic, and appreciated the fact that I was willing to let it go.
Do you think that I was too easy on her, or do you think that maybe I am just stressing this whole issue of trust too much?
Just a LITTLE more detail would go a long way toward being able to perhaps help you.
For instance, what was this first little problem?
That’s a good place to start.
Did you do the right thing with what?
Dating a really attractive, fun, and smart girl? Hell yeah, you did the right thing.
I guess I hit enter too soon…?
Woooaaaah! All I saw was the same thing that WSLer saw! There appears to be a more detailed description of the situation that wasn’t visible before …!!
Since you’ve been dating only a week, seems to me that you don’t have much to lose by allowing her to regain your trust.
Stupid on her part, though. Did she give any reason why she wouldn’t be honest in the first place? Was she afraid you’d think less of her if she failed to yield the right of way? How she could conclude that a lie was the better path is beyond me.
The boards acting spooky and it’s scaring me. Plus I’m cold and there are wolves after me.
I think you did the right thing, but I also think you might want to talk with her about how important honesty is in a relationship.
Don’t browbeat her, but be firm that you want her to be honest and that you will be honest as well.
Okeydokey! Those hamsters invited their friends from Chernobyl, apparently.
I told her that I was glad she was able to tell me. She told me that she would do her very best to be honest no matter what.
BTW, Ruby, She was afraid that I would think less of her, so that was pretty much the basis…
Well, she probably just didn’t want to seem stupid in front of you. It’s not like you found out she was dating someone else on the sly. I’m glad you decided against “berating” her, that would have been the wrong thing to do. And don’t let her borrow your car.
When I was a child and teenager, for some reason I made a habit of lying about things. Most of the lies were small, usually to make something sound more interesting or (like in your girlfriend’s case) to make it sound like I wasn’t at fault about something.
When I started dating my now-husband, it was very difficult for me to break this habit. He always placed a very high value on honesty, and it did cause some discord between us. When I finally realized that I was safe telling him the truth about things, that he was going to love me even if I was sometimes in the wrong, it became easier and easier for me to put away the lying.
Nowadays, eons later, I see lying as a tactic for someone who’s powerless or afraid. Since I’m neither of those things, I usually don’t even feel the impulse to lie about things.
In other words, I think you did just the right thing by letting her know a) that honesty is important to you and that b) you’re not going to end up punishing her for being honest.
You have only been dating a week? Let it go. You hardly have a relationship yet and she didn’t want you to think bad things about her. It isn’t like she lied to you about something that effected you.
If she is a habitual liar it will be obvious really soon. And then you don’t “berate” her, you break up with her.
Well, thanks for the comments. My only concern is that I really like this girl, and I want it all to work out, you know?
Did she explain WHY she lied?
Seems like a weird thing to lie about and therefore, a warning sign.
I’m with Gazelle from Hell on this one.
I’d probably ask her why she didn’t tell the truth and depending on her answer run away screaming.
Trust is extremely important. A “little white lie” that she corrects herself hurts the trust, and makes you wonder. One time? Forgivable. A pattern? Move on. Wait and see.
jenex hit it right on the head, as to why she lied about it. I am definitely hoping that it was a one time thing, so we’ll see what happens.
It’s only been a week, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It was a white lie–she didn’t want you to think less of her. I couldn’t imagine berating someone over that, and I can certainly understand why she did it. (She was probably embarrassed, and seeing that the two of you have only just became a couple, the relationship isn’t in that comfortable stage yet where she would feel completely free to be herself, faults and all.)
Now, if you continue to find her lying to you about things, that’s a different story.
Consider the matter closed, or you both will be very unhappy.
At one week into a relationship neither you nor the folks on this board are in a position to make judgements based on the info presented.