I am dating a really attractive, fun, and smart girl. She and I just started dating about a week ago. We had our first little problem this weekend.
She wrecked her car, and when she told me about it, she made up a story about how it was someone else’s fault. I could tell by the damage that it wasn’t because somebody hit her car while it was parked, like she said.
Soon thereafter, what I had thought was confirmed by her friend, and I knew that she had lied to me. Sure, it was a tiny thing, but it got me to wondering, “What else would she lie to me about?”
It bothered me for a day or two, and I wanted to give her time to come clean, and not berate her as soon as I found out. Luckily, she came to me and apologized profusely, and told me the whole truth.
Because her friend, who has known her longer than I, said it was completely out of her character, I forgave her, with a condition or two. I told her that our trust was not as good as it had been, but I think that the relationship was well worth holding on to. She was very apologetic, and appreciated the fact that I was willing to let it go.
Do you think that I was too easy on her, or do you think that maybe I am just stressing this whole issue of trust too much?
Woooaaaah! All I saw was the same thing that WSLer saw! There appears to be a more detailed description of the situation that wasn’t visible before …!!
Since you’ve been dating only a week, seems to me that you don’t have much to lose by allowing her to regain your trust.
Stupid on her part, though. Did she give any reason why she wouldn’t be honest in the first place? Was she afraid you’d think less of her if she failed to yield the right of way? How she could conclude that a lie was the better path is beyond me.
Well, she probably just didn’t want to seem stupid in front of you. It’s not like you found out she was dating someone else on the sly. I’m glad you decided against “berating” her, that would have been the wrong thing to do. And don’t let her borrow your car.
Jen
When I was a child and teenager, for some reason I made a habit of lying about things. Most of the lies were small, usually to make something sound more interesting or (like in your girlfriend’s case) to make it sound like I wasn’t at fault about something.
When I started dating my now-husband, it was very difficult for me to break this habit. He always placed a very high value on honesty, and it did cause some discord between us. When I finally realized that I was safe telling him the truth about things, that he was going to love me even if I was sometimes in the wrong, it became easier and easier for me to put away the lying.
Nowadays, eons later, I see lying as a tactic for someone who’s powerless or afraid. Since I’m neither of those things, I usually don’t even feel the impulse to lie about things.
In other words, I think you did just the right thing by letting her know a) that honesty is important to you and that b) you’re not going to end up punishing her for being honest.
You have only been dating a week? Let it go. You hardly have a relationship yet and she didn’t want you to think bad things about her. It isn’t like she lied to you about something that effected you.
If she is a habitual liar it will be obvious really soon. And then you don’t “berate” her, you break up with her.
Trust is extremely important. A “little white lie” that she corrects herself hurts the trust, and makes you wonder. One time? Forgivable. A pattern? Move on. Wait and see.
It’s only been a week, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. It was a white lie–she didn’t want you to think less of her. I couldn’t imagine berating someone over that, and I can certainly understand why she did it. (She was probably embarrassed, and seeing that the two of you have only just became a couple, the relationship isn’t in that comfortable stage yet where she would feel completely free to be herself, faults and all.)
Now, if you continue to find her lying to you about things, that’s a different story.