Last year when I turned 30, I decided that I was pretty dead set against having kids and started to think seriously about getting my tubes tied, but I wanted to give myself a year to consider the pros and cons of it. I’m three months away from that year mark and still can’t decide one way or the other - I’ve got a great boyfriend now that would be a devoted dad if we decided to just go ahead and pop a kid out, and I would be a good mom myself, I like to think, but even if all the stars were aligned in our favor otherwise, we’ve got a pretty heavy burden to carry: the fact that both of us have mental illness in our families.
I have a nephew with autism and a history of some mild depression myself, and my boyfriend has cyclothymia (a mild form of bipolar disorder) that he controls well with medication, and a dad and brother with full-blown bipolar disorder. I haven’t asked too many questions about it, but he’s told me that his brother has it so bad he’s not able to live independently and requires constant checking up on so that he doesn’t hurt himself. In addition to our family histories, my boyfriend’s 44 years old, and the risk of having children with certain mental disorders (including autism and bipolar, naturally) goes up after a guy turns 40.
I know that once you have a child, you’ll do anything to help them if they turn out to be mentally ill and people will usually say that it was worth having them in spite of it. I just absolutely dread the possibility of having to deal with an autistic child’s outbursts like I’ve seen my brother and sister-in-law have to do with my nephew, and not ever be able to enjoy having an empty nest and having grandchildren from my future child. I know that even with an increased risk, we’re still more likely than not to have healthy children, but if everyone’s happy pregnancy fantasies of “La la la, our baby will turn out perfect!” really came true, there wouldn’t be any kids like this running around. I know from my own family that yes, it can happen to you.
How did your family history influence YOUR childbearing decisions, one way or another?
My husband and I both come from a genetic cesspool. From cancer to crohns to chronic depression, we carry a lot of hereditary baggage we don’t want to pass on. We decided not to have biological children very early on - before we were married, in fact. There are thousands of children in need of loving homes, and if we had decided to include children in our lives, we would have adopted.
That we decided to not adopt and just be an awesome aunt/uncle pair was a separate decision. I don’t regret either one.
Mental illness runs absolutely rampant on my mother’s side of the family. It doesn’t run - it gallops.
In spite of that, my parents chose to have kids. I’m pretty mentally screwed up, if you really want to know, though I like to think that I control it well.
Mental illness is one reason I never want to have kids myself.
My own history of mental illness has made me never want to have kids. If I feel the urge I just act like an uncle, or if need be will get a pet or adopt a kid. But I don’t want someone to inherit my DNA. Even if a kid didn’t inherit my mental vulnerabilities, I don’t know if I would make a very involved parent. It wouldn’t be fair to a kid.
I don’t believe in “mental illness” or at least I don’t believe in it in the same way that the concept is generally promulgated. But I’ve been diagnosed on various occasions, including with some rather lurid-sounding ones, and whether by nurture or by genetics I figure any progeny of mine would be at risk of being treated in a similar way. Since I did not easily change the world into a place where people like me were free of such risks, I chose not to reproduce.
About 13% of adults have been treated for a mental health problem. Around 5% of adults have a serious mental illness(Cite NIMH). If you add up your combined family members(siblings, parents, grandparents, uncles & aunts, nieces & nephews) I think you will find that statistically speaking your family isn’t far out of the ordinary.
Also, genetics are a factor in Bipolar, but not the only factor. I believe the same goes for Autism.
Everyone can find some genetic reason not to have kids(cancer, genetic diseases, mental illness, addictions). Don’t let it stop you from doing something you want to do.
That said, adoption is a great idea. There are tons of kids that need loving homes with parents that want them.
Sort of… My father was severely beaten by his father…and my father severely beat me. I’m afraid that, were I ever to have kids, I would pass this along, and beat them. I know I have anger issues, and I don’t have the patience to deal with kids.
I decided, way back when I was fifteen, that I would never have children, for the risk of doing to them what was done to me.
(It took me a long time to learn to forgive my father. He was only passing along what had been hammered into him by the fists of his father. And who the hell knows how much farther back it goes. It’s pseudo-genetic.)
Our family even managed to suck the fun out of dysfunctional and my brother and I were both adamant that the line ended with us.
In the family there were a lot of addictions, mental illness, one side has Parkinsons and the other MS. Not really relevant but there are also a lot of gay folks in the family tree, I am one of them which made things easier in the no accidental kids bit. I have never regretted it, our family is as poorly bred as bulldogs, time for the madness to end.
In my case…it’s not the only reason. I don’t especially like kids…and I’m single. But yeah. There are a bunch of tortured souls in my family. There’s a lot of good there too - we have some extremely bright, successful people hanging around the immediate family tree. But I personally don’t want to risk the bad side of the gene pool on someone.
That being said…I think we understand so much more about mental illnesses…maybe in the next generations, we can mitigate the downsides better, and people can actually live their lives instead of suffering.
Hypothetically, yes. The opportunity never presented itself but when I was at a low point because of my own issues, I decided I could never create someone knowing they would probably feel that kind of pain too.
I really do think that if you’ve chosen not to have kids due to a severe genetic disorder or a possible severe birth defect, (ie something that would result in a kid with severe multiple issues. Like Tay Sachs or one of those kids in a wheelchair with ten million different medical problems) that it should be easier for you to adopt.
Yeah, pretty much everyone in my family is batshit insane, and I reluctantly include myself. So we have the issues of mental illness, drug and alcohol addiction, cancer, food allergies, etc. This definitely influenced our decision to eventually adopt rather than give birth to a child, but it wasn’t the deciding factor. I’ve just always wanted to adopt. I think we have a gut instinct to reproduce or not, and the ‘‘reasons’’ just get piled on after the fact so we can rationalize whatever that gut decision is.
As the time gets closer, I do wonder whether we will end up conceiving or not. I wouldn’t love to see my child suffer through mental illness, but there’s also the fact that, as he is a child behavioral psychologist and I am a crazy person who is extremely proactive about my own mental health, we’d probably be that kid’s best shot. I just wonder about it because judging by all of his family’s kids, our babies would inherit a lot of his dominant genes, and he’s a beautiful curly-haired Italian (3rd gen.)with a lovely temperament. I just think about those sweet little curly-haired angels and sigh…
Yes, it definitely influenced our decision, but in a slightly different way: we chose to have a kid, but just one. My husband and I are pretty mentally healthy (although I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety), but we each have a sibling with various mental issues, and we’ve each grown up with all the turmoil that entails, and the understanding that eventually, after our parents are gone, it will fall to us to help support our siblings. So we chose to have only one kid. If the kid turned out healthy and normal - and even with our family histories, we figured the chances were still pretty good - we didn’t want to take the risk of saddling them with a sibling like ours. And if the kid did end up having issues, we felt, as olives said, that we were better prepared to handle it than most. But we wanted to be able to put as much time, energy, and money into their care as possible, rather than having to divert some of it to a sibling (who might be normal, or might have their own issues). And of course, we’re already trying to prepare for supporting our own siblings. So weighing everything, we decided it was worth the gamble, but only once. We now have a totally awesome two-year-old, who talks a blue streak, and is smart and funny and cheerful and very loving. So far so good. But of course, I still worry. Recently, he had a lousy day. He was having tantrums every hour, it seemed. And with good reason: he was getting over a cold, and he was tired and cranky, and he’s two, but all I could think was, “It begins.” And I know I’ll continue to worry about this until he’s well into adulthood. So that’s something to consider.
As is the sibling issue: tsarina, since your boyfriend’s brother is not able to live independently, how is he cared for? Is there a possibility that your boyfriend might be responsible for supporting him in the future, financially or otherwise? I think that’s something you two should discuss, whether or not you decide to have children.
I don’t know if this is what the OP is looking for, but I’ve chosen not to have kids because of my mental illness - not for fear of passing it on, but because my illness would make me a horrible parent. I get panic attacks when kids are dependent on me for me than an hour or two. I can babysit my niece, but just her, and I know I can hand her back shortly thereafter. I have trouble dealing with irrational, uncontrollable people (also people with development disabilities that leave them in the mindset of a child) and get panic attacks from that too. I try to go into every situation with an escape plan. There’s no escape plan with a child!
As I’ve been single for 21 of my 23 years of adult life, I’ve never been in a position where I felt I could consider having a child. If I were in a stable marriage with enough resources, I would try, even though I’ve gone through bouts of severe depression and can reasonably expect to do so for the rest of my life.
However, I’m also of the opinion that unless a person has a strong desire for children, they should default to being childless.
Risk of my child having a disorder has definitely influenced me not to have more than one, not specifically because of any unusually high likelihood of mental illness in my genes, but because it seems like autism is fast becoming the new normal, and I don’t think I’m equipped to deal with that type of disorder.
I don’t understand people purposely having children. It seems so risky, how do they decide to go through with it?
Due to my own mental illness and addictive personality, coupled with the facts that I didn’t want to subject any children to my evil, insane mother and resultant fall out, I chose never to have children. Sometimes I never think about it. Others, it haunts me. Regardless, it was the right decision to make.
I know from my own family that yes, it can happen to you.