Did my ex cheat on me?

In My Humble Opinion
1

In Amethyst’s thread regarding the definition of “sex”, I posted:

So let me tell you all a story to introduce a discussion on the issue:

A few weeks before she broke up with me early last December, my then-girlfriend went out with her roommates one fateful November evening. At the club they happened to run into a guy friend of hers that she had hooked up with at some point before she and I became a couple. During the course of the evening, he got the impression that she was interested in another fling. He ended up going back with the group to her room, where he fell asleep on her bed waiting for her. My ex, in the meantime, slept on the couch in the common room. At no point did she tell this dude that she had a boyfriend, and the next morning she had her roommate shoo him out. This is the story as she told it to me later in the day. That is, she volunteered this information.

Now, a question: assuming this is true, did her actions constitute cheating? Again, assuming honesty on her part, while she didn’t respond in kind to his advances, she didn’t acknowledge her relationship with me. Although that was a vile, hurtful thing to do, I don’t think we can answer this question definitively without having some clue as to her intentions. What do you think?

I wondered how he got the impression that she was interested. I find it impossible to wrap my head around why she wouldn’t have told him unless she was. She claimed that she never revealed that she was in a relationship because the alcohol had affected her judgement. That explanation is a convenient cop-out on her part. I believe it’s safe to assume that she had been flirting with him. She does get proportionally flirtatious when drunk, and there’s no reason to believe that her behavior would have changed in this case.

Again, assuming her story was true, and now assuming that she had been flirting, does that make it cheating? Here I believe it does. She was carrying on with innuendo with another guy without setting any boundaries, ie telling him that she had a boyfriend. I also believe that, if she really cared about me, she was obligated to volunteer that information. Again, what do you think?

Now then, some more information. She also dated a friend of mine for a year and a half. During the last few months of their relationship, they were fighting a lot and she claims that he had hit her a few times (I do know that he was mentally abusive without her having to tell me; he did say that she was fat and not very pretty when others were around). Though they didn’t break up until around February or March of last year (I never got a definite date from her on this, incidentally), by December of 2004 she didn’t care about him any more, but was afraid to break it off. She confessed to me that she had slept with an ex of hers around that time, which establishes that she has been willing to hook up with other people before officially ending a relationship. Approximately three weeks after the incident at the club, she broke up with me.

Continue to assume her original story is true. Continue to assume that she had been flirting. Now assume as well that at the time she was no longer interested in me and ready to find someone else. Taking these things into account, does that constitute cheating? If we add a deliberate attempt on her part to accept someone else’s company, I believe it is even if she didn’t follow through. My above reasoning still stands, and intent on her part only strengthens my position.

Generally speaking, if a person in a relationship flirts with someone else with the goal of hooking up in mind, even if she doesn’t follow through does that constitute cheating? If she does this before ending a current relationship with someone who she’s no longer interested in, what bearing does that have?

I say yes to both questions. Failing to acknowledge one’s current relationship while externally expressing interest in someone else by any means seems to be a pretty accurate definition of cheating. Doing this before having ended said relationship only adds a cavalier disregard for the ex-to-be’s dignity and feelings. I don’t mean to say that flirting is inherently cheating, but combined with other factors such as those I mentioned, I believe it is. Yet again, what do you think?

If you will also indulge me with regard to my particular situation. Discarding our assumptions, taking into account the holes in her story, and considering her history, do you think it’s a good bet that her story is a crock and that she really did hook up with that guy?

I do.

And boy do I feel like a sap for staying with her afterward.

2

If I’m understanding the situation correctly, which I admit I am not sure that I am, I don’t think sleeping on the couch while the guy sleeps on her bed constitutes cheating. I don’t even think that not mentioning a boyfriend constitutes cheating, however I *do *think it is a serious sign of disrepect and would make me suspect a likelihood of future cheating (or intention to cheat).
So, if her story is true, my opinion is: didn’t cheat that night, but probably wanted to, or at least leave the possibility open.

This, as a person who has been on both sides of the fence.

3

Because he’s a guy.

Not telling him was not cool, though.

4

Yes.

5

I agree with scumpup. I’m willing to bet that she did, in fact, hook up with him.

However, if she didn’t, then she didn’t cheat in either of your scenarios. Flirting isn’t cheating. It may be insensitive, inappropriate, jerkoff behavior, but not cheating.

6

Assuming that her story is true, she didn’t cheat. She skated right up to the edge, and you do have reason to be pissed, but the word “cheating” can’t be applied to any situation where she interacts with another guy without mentioning you, regardless of outcome.

Then don’t. Break it off. If you don’t trust her, and you don’t feel that she respects you, then get gone. No good will come of staying.

7

Too late: “Approximately three weeks after the incident at the club, she broke up with me.”

8

Unless you use the context of Jesus’ statement “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart,” then what you describe is not cheating. It does sound like boorish, insensitive behavior, which is its own problem.

You would do well to put effort into getting beyond this. Feeling hurt about all that happened is normal, but wallowing in the hurt is not productive. I suggest try your best to focus on the positive - do things and be with people that bring some measure of happiness your way. I know it’s easier to dwell on the sadness you feel, but it can tear you down if you overdo it.

9

The only way this is cheating is if you and she had a prior spoken commitment that flirting with another person constitutes cheating. By popular definition, it isn’t cheating.

Popular definition is cheating = sexual activity with another person outside of an agreed monogomous relationship.

My definition of cheating = any activity outside the agreed-upon boundaries of a sexual relationship. My husband and I are in an open marriage, so not every outside sexual encounter is cheating. Sex, or even sleeping in the same bed chastely with an ex, however, is cheating, because we’ve agreed not to do that.

But if it wasn’t explicity spoken aloud as a boundary before all this happened, you’ve no grounds to cry “cheat!”

Inconsiderate, rude, heartless and worth breaking up over, I’ll buy. Cheat, I won’t give you.

10

The consensus the board came to in another thread was that cheating was anything you wouldn’t tell your partner about.

That kind of covers open marriages, monogamous, whatever.

11

Oh shit. I cheated on my husband with a leftover birthday cake for breakfast! :smiley:

12

Look, people are very strange creatures. I can picture myself in your situation with previous girlfirends where I would have been very hurt by what happened. At that point in my life, I was ready for absolute commitment from a girlfriend or nothing else. But now, as I have gotten older, I realize that not everyone is as in love with me as I am with them. I can feel now, as I am possibly on the verge of having a new gf, that thing are radically different. It would be a VERY long time now, before I allow myself to become so attached to the point to where something like that is possible.

So I’d put it this way. Maybe she is a bad person, I don’t know, but then–on the other hand–maybe she just wasn’t in love with you and couldn’t find a way to deal with it in an adult manner. It happens for sure. It happened to me, to be exact. I don’t think it’s right at all, but I don’t think its a deliberate thing. I think this is an important aspect of the equation.