I told him in a letter, as he was down here and I was in Canada. He reacted badly, and wrote me back a bunch of utter insanity about how I was an opportunist and I could be a con man and possibly an axe murderer and how would he know? He said he figured we’d end up living in a trailer. After that, he went to the doctor and got on Prozac.
However, he eventually came around. His daughter and I were engaged for two years, and I had been to visit them a few times, and she had been to visit me a few times. He put any fears he had aside, and walked down the path with his daughter (outdoor wedding). I’ve proved to him that his fears were unfounded, just by being the kind of person and husband I said I was going to be. We get along just fine now, and he and his family feel more like my own relatives than my own relatives do.
I notified my future in laws of my intention and asked for their blessing. The experience itself taught me a few things. For the hour or two I sat in their kitchen, they were very open and frank; offering advice, opinions and thoughts on an institution they had far more experience with than I did.
When I bought my wife her ring, I decided I should ask her father before asking her. I am from the South and “outdated” here usually means “status quo.”
So I called him and asked. I wasn’t sure if it were still protocol, but I figured that it was better to err on the side of caution. Why not? I knew the answer (I was already in the family photos) and I would rather not step on toes. My wife is my FIL’s only daughter.
My FIL is the quiet type, and it took a while for him to get confortable with me as we lived 200 miles away, but he was kind and gracious. He said of course I could (who wouldn’t want their daughter to marry me?) and thanked me for calling.
I have a tough time reading quiet people. He seemed a bit surprised by my call. After asking my wife to marry me that night, I asked her if she thought he was offended that I called instead of waiting to ask in person.
She said he was kind of surprised that I asked at all and just wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say. I figured he handled it about as well as I did. It is just one of those things you do.
Six years of marriage and my FIL and I get along just fine.
Wow, it never even occurred to me to ask. Of course, we eloped, so there was a surprise factor all around. I’m not sure why this tradition has any currency at all in modern life. It’s not like we as husbands are looking for a dowry.
Not only didn’t my spouse ask, but I would have been highly offended if he had (for the reasons stated by others above–I’m not property and my dad doesn’t have any say in whom I marry). Da spouse had no problem with this.
For the same reason, there was none of this “giving away the bride” stuff. We pretty much removed anything from the whole process that had even the whiff of paternalism or “woman as property.” Those things always bugged me, even as a kid. Even if they’ve passed into nothing more than traditions, the vestigial meanings of them bothered me.
I didn’t ask her biological dad for his blessing; he abandoned her when she was very little and it would have been a ludicrous thing to do. I did ask her mother and stepfather for their blessing, though. I think that’s an small but important distinction- you’re asking for their blessing, not their permission, not that permission would have been withheld or anything. It was really informal, I just snuck off to their house and said “hey, I finally got the ring paid off, I was going to surprise her and just wanted to give you the heads up and get y’alls blessing.”
I can understand why people would find the practice objectionable, but I think the real point should be just to start the familial bond with your future inlaws off right. Besides, if they have any really good whiskey in the house it’s a near guarantee that you’re going to get some.
My dad asked my grandfather… I have no idea if he (Dad) expects to be asked if I’m proposed to. Hmm.
I wouldn’t mind. I see it as a sign of respect towards the woman’s parents, not as though she’s property. It’s not like dad saying “no” is going to make most women decline a proposal anyway.
Unfortunately, I can never get the straight story out of my parents as they can’t agree as to what actually happened, but at some point in their dating life my dad did visit his future father-in-law a lot to play Go. (It was a shared interest, and Dad is an actual amateur 3 Dan.)
Dad claims he did this to make overtures at Mom and win my grampa over, but Mom insists he was a clueless Go nerd at the time and just wanted to play.
Eventually they got formally engaged (with permission and blessings from both sides) and married. They’re still madly in love (to the point of rolleye embarrassment for us kids) 27 years later.
I didn’t ask my FIL before I proposed to my wife, but my BIL (my wife’s sister’s husband. How the %^&$ do you explain these raltionships anyway? ) did. I suspect just to make me look bad.
Couldn’t be bothered. My wife’s biological father is a worthless peice of shit, and her stepfather is a selfish ass who would’ve said no for no reason except to exert his “authority.”
I chose not to - my fiance’s Dad has had v. little to do with her since she was 2 yrs old, so doesn’t deserve to be asked.
Thought about asking her Mum, but she’s a bitch so she didn’t deserve it either.
However, the first thing her Mum said when we told her was “You should have asked, it’s tradition” :mad:
I pointed out it’s also tradition for the bride’s family to pay for the wedding - but that in the absence of a cheque I didn’t feel bad about not asking. :rolleyes:
Depends on your family dynamic - if it’ll keep things sweet with your in-laws then go for it, but some women find the idea of needed father’s permission insulting.
My husband did ask my Dad, which pleased them both, because they’re both a little bit old-fashioned and like to do things “the right way”. Luckily this extends to courtesies but not to imposing their manly wills on women!
I think my husband just wanted to let Dad know that he really did love me and he was planning to look after me to the best of his ability, and my Dad just really wanted to hear that and be reassured that I wasn’t marrying a jerk.
My Dad did give me away at our wedding, too. It was something that he very much wanted to do, but not as a “I give my property to you” gesture, more as a “I’m stepping down from the role of Main Family and now you are welcome to make your own lives independent of us.”
My husband didn’t. Until I told my dad about it. And he asked for my husband to ask for his permission. My husband, being the wonderful guy he is, did it. Then, my dad proceeded to give an hour long lecture on the importance of education. :rolleyes:
I mean, if I hadn’t made it clear about fifty times that we were getting married after I get my BA…
) did. I suspect just to make me look bad.