Die gibbon girls, die! A Cranky thread.

[With thanks to CrankyAsAnOldMan for reminding me of the subject of this thread]

So I’m walking through the local video rental shop and OH MY GOD!! A whole series of videos titled “The Mary Kate and Ashley Adventures.” (Sample title: The Space Camp Adventure) If ever there was a fair argument for infanticide, these two half-simian freaks are it. I mean, it wasn’t enough that they were the “cute” kids on “Full House,” one of the lamest pieces of dreck ever put on TV. But now they are starring in custom-made pieces of homogenized crap made just for them! Does anybody actually still think these two she-apes are the least bit cute? I mean it’s bad enough that so many kids need Ritalin or Paxil. After watching anything starring these two they’ll probably need a straitjacket and intense psychotherapy. What I want to know is: who put up the money to make these stupid-ass movies? And who rents them? I say both these groups of people (along with the twins themselves, of course) should be thrown into a pit with some rabid, starving wild dogs. But that might be cruelty to animals.

While I agree with you about the unsurpassable vomitrociousness of the Olsen twins, may I suggest that you console yourself with the knowledge that almost NO child stars go on to become successful adults? Think about it…the only former child stars I can think of with viable careers as adults are Jodie Foster, who is actually talented, and maybe Brooke Shields (whether or not her career is still viable is open for debate.) Think about Danny “Danny Partridge” Bonaduce, or Soleil Moon “Punky Brewster” Frye.

When I look at “Mary Kate & Ashley’s Adventures at the Abattoir” (or whatever), I like to imagine that in five years, they’ll be in some anonymous motel room in Santa Barbara starring in low-grade porn. Either that or dead of a heroin OD.

Now there’s a Mary Kate and Ashley adventure I’d watch! I can see it now: “Mary Kate and Ashley: Crack Whores Take It In the Rear!”

Would they even be legal in five years?

Weren’t those made years ago?
My sister is almost sixteen and STILL watches Two of a King reruns. The only thing I remotely LIKED that the Olsen twins did was It Takes Two, because it was a lot like The Parent Trap.

They cannot act! When they talk in a television show, it sounds fake…like they’re play-acting.

Uh…then I’m guessing you won’t like this:

Stop them! Make them go away! For the love of all that is good and decent in our society, kill them!


I thought you were speaking German, “The gibbon girls, the.”

At the library I found a simply SHOCKING number of a sickening variety of “Full House” books. Shelves full of them! Shelves that could have been covered with H P Lovecraft books or something. Even my wife’s fave rave true murder, Anne Rule books would make a better impression on young minds than that tripe.

Enough to make you puke.

The twins are asking for questions in chat over at http://www.eonline.com. Just click on the “celebs” link.

Some suggestions:

"Are you sick and tried of milking your fifteen minutes of fame for all they were worth?

Have you been sold into white slave labor?

Is that why you continue to ‘act’?

Do you have any self respect at all?

Do you think you’re cute?

You know you were ugly babies, right?

And that you look like monkeys now?

And that one role as a three-year-old does not two actresses make?

And that Bob Saget is a freak, and DJ, Stephanie, Uncle Jesse, Dave Coulier and Kimmy Gibler all gracefully (and smartly) put down the spotlight about seven years ago?

Did you mistaken your dumbass roles on a lame TV sitcom for something significant, when in fact all you did was smile, cry and eat on cue and miserably attempt to look cute?

Just checking."

I hated that show. I hated “Michelle” and I hated Kimmy fucking Gibler and I hated the theme song. How that show stayed on the air for eight years is beyond me. And the fact that there is a market for these freaks makes me question whether my dislike of the boy-bands is misplaced, when in fact I need to be actively protesting this twits.

The Cosby Show. THAT was television. Full House can kiss my ass.

I read the article and laughed my ass off. Hell, even the woman who wrote it could barely hide her scorn. Their own magazine? Called (predictably enough) Mary-Kate and Ashley?? Can you say narcisisstic?? And the twins will be “Editors-in-Chief” at age 14. I can see the first cover story now: “Boys: Are They Icky?”

Even funnier is the last line in the story: “What’s next? World domination?” I say that for the good of all mankind someone should assassinate them before it gets that far. For the good of all mankind.

I don’t know, I think they are kinda cute. I think they will make fine porn stars in a few years.

I just wanted to point out that I was the one, IIRC, who originally said they looked like gibbons. Or maybe I said I thought Ashley was more gibbonesque.

Anyway, since it is obvious that Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen must be stopped for the sake of the continued existence of Western civilization, I propose we start a petition, which can be submitted to the national government of your choice or the U.N. or whatever. Print this off and get as many people as you can to sign it.


A Demand For the Prohibition of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen For The Sake Of The Salvation of All That Is Good And Holy**

The undersigned do hereby assert the following:

  1. That Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen are agents of evil and discord.

  2. That anything involving the acting, endorsement, or involvement of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen is inherently destructive to the fabric and values of human civilization,

  3. That Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen have distinctly simian visages and are objectively disgusting little vermin, and

  4. That “Mary-Kate” is a fucking stupid name,

and so the undersigned do hereby demand that the governments of the world immediately act to effect the following:

  1. That Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen be immediately imprisoned in a super-highest-maximum security fortress constructed specifically for this purpose, to be guarded by a brigade of elite shock troops, on a remote desert island in the south Pacific, and that the Olsen twins be required to wear iron masks like Leo DiCaprio did in that movie so we don’t have to look at their sneering, ugly faces anymore.

  2. That all Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen products, including movies, books, all copies of “Full House” in existence, magazines, toys, cosmetics, clothing, jewelry, firearms, bonds, and whatever the hell else they’re selling be immediately banned on pain of death, and that everything be gathered into huge piles and publicly burned,

  3. That Bob Saget and John Stamos and the dumb looking guy who was always cracking jokes on “Full House” be immediately shot,

  4. That Mary-Kate hereinafter be referred to as either “Mary” or “Kate” but not both, and

  5. That anyone who named their daughters “Mary-Kate” after hearing it on Full House be shot, too, and their daughters be given proper names.

We hereby affix our signatures.

You forgot the dotted line! How am I supposed to sign your petition without a dotted line!
Aw crap. I just wonder if they don’t have some mad stalker waiting to ambush them some day, like whats-her-face, that one kid sitcom star that got shot by her stalker.
We can only hope.

If you can tell the two of them apart, you’re contributing to the problem. :smiley:

Thank you for taking up the torch on this one! Wow, my name (sorta) in a thread title, and it’s not even my birthday…


I always knew I loved you, Lizard. That’s why I had to caveat you out of my “posters I now like” post.

I never for a minute thought they were cute babies. They have always been weird-looking. I saw a shot of their family once–everyone looks like them. Pray none of the other siblings have agents.

signing petition Duly noted, RickJay. And on this petition, I especially like Assertion 3 and 4, as well as Demands I, 2, and 3.

BTW, just what was Dave Coulier’s character’s connection to everyone else? I never figured that out.

Well, it was set in San Francisco, ya know, and I guess they…

Yes, RickJay is right. I introduced the concept, using the term “Simian.” RickJay offered up Gibbonesque, the a more specific descriptor, as well as designating one to be worse than the other in this regard.

When this thread makes millions, the three of us will split it!

(Dave Coulier’s character was Bob Saget’s best friend from college.)

I am so embarrassed that I know that. Somewhere in my brain there are some complicated algorithms trying to break loose, and I’m remembering Full House facts. My god.

Dave Coulier is who Alanis Morrisette’s ‘You Oughta Know’ was written for. Apparently they dated a while, and had a nasty breakup.