What would you consider to be the difference between nagging, and simply asking someone, again, to do something they need to do but haven’t or won’t do?
Is it just a matter of frequency? (i.e., if you ask someone multiple times to take out the trash, spaced only seconds apart, such that they don’t even get a legit chance to take out the trash before the 2nd and 3rd repetitions arrive, it’s nagging…but if you ask once, and then the following day, ask again, it’s not?)
Partly… Also, attitude. If you use magic phrases like, “I told you to…” or “When are you going to…” or “So, isn’t it maybe time you…” then that’s nagging.
A nice psychiatrist once told me not to repeat things. People hear them perfectly well the first time.
Yup, that’s my philosophy as well and I’m perfectly fine with letting them deal with their consequences for fucking up too. If the consequence would also fall on me I’ll take care of it myself rather than using extra energy trying to get some unmotivated child of unusual size to do something they know perfectly well they need to do.
Who determined that “need”? The person not doing the thing or the person wanting it done?
I have a problem with procrastination. Often my wife gently reminds me of things I’ve announced I intend to do but have not. Even if done often, that’s not nagging if done diplomatically and at a time and place where the task could actually be done. Conversely, if she unilaterally decided that today is the day I must do whatever, well the first request is already a nag.
Different tack:
All your several OPs asking questions about interpersonal relations seem to assume two relationship-incompetent people who don’t have goodwill for one another, have little insight into themselves or the other person, and don’t think; they just emote. You also seem to seek universal rules for things that are vastly situational as between any two random people, and as between two specific people for any random topic.
IOW: When does it become nagging? The instant the nagee decides it’s nagging. Which may be before the first syllable is ever said, or may be a thousand reminders later. Depends on the people, the topic, and the tone.
Nagging is harassing. Any time the nagger does not believe that the person being “reminded” has genuinely forgotten, it’s nagging.
A disingenuous “I think you forgot tomorrow is trash day,” when you know damn well that the person has not forgotten, and just doesn’t feel like taking the trash out, and is putting it off as long as possible, is nagging.
However, in the days of COVID, where it’s easy to forget the day of the week, and you genuinely think that the person you are addressing forgot it’s trash day tomorrow, that’s not nagging.
If you want to address someone’s procrastination without nagging, address it head-on.
Since it’s difficult to forget something when you keep telling someone every ten minutes, clearly, constant haranguing is nagging.
I’m leaning toward “Nagging is in the ear of the beholder.” It all depends on whether the receiver perceives it as nagging or not.
There’s also the question of why the person hasn’t done the thing they need to do. Are they forgetful (so that external reminders are helpful?) Do they disagree that it’s something they should do? Are they going to do it, but they just haven’t gotten around to it yet—and if so, does it matter when they do it? Are they stubborn or passive-agrressive, and asking them to do it just makes them want to not do it? Do they think that, if they put it off long enough, someone else will do it for them?
But it’s entirely about the mindset of the nagee. The mindset of the nagger has similar complexities worth laying out. I’ll try this as a first cut:
Why does it matter to the nagger that the task isn’t done yet? Is their timeline valid? Are their expectations valid? Who decides what is “valid”? On what basis? Does the nagger know whether all prerequisites have been fulfilled yet? Are they attempting to force an agreement where there really isn’t one? Are they simply asserting a control or authority they don’t really have? Are they hoping the other person will do it so they don’t have to?
You’re not going to get a neat clear definition of where to draw the line which will satisfy everybody.
If the person really needs to do the something, and really isn’t doing it, it’s probably helpful to find out why they’re not doing it. That could allow determining what reminders, if any, would be useful and on what schedule they should be provided. It also allows finding out whether the problem is that they don’t think they do need to do it, and if so why, and whether the person needing them to do it can either convince them that they do need to do it or become convinced that no, they don’t need to do it.
If what’s going on is that they just plain aren’t going to do it, and the other person really needs them to do it, then whatever the relationship is between these two, it probably isn’t going to work. Fire them, or dump them, or whatever. (Not if they’re six. If they’re six, you may just need to nag them.)
I think an important issue is your relationship with the other person. Are you their spouse? Their parent? Their boss? Their teacher? Their business partner? Their roommate? More broadly, are you in a relationship where you are supposed to be providing guidance to the other person or in a relationship where that other person’s actions affect you?
If the answer is no, then you can give a person advice. But you have to accept when they choose to ignore your advice and not nag them about it. They’re adults and they’re not answerable to you.
And accept the limits of the relationship. If your roommate is leaving dirty dishes in the kitchen sink you share, you can nag them about it. If your roommate doesn’t call their mother on her birthday, it’s not your concern.
Who decided that the thing is a need and the timing of when it needs to be done? Did both people agree, or did one person make the decision without input from the other? Would it be reasonable for the nagging person to just do the job themselves? There’s a lot of context to figure out what’s going on, and there’s probably a major communication or responsibility issue behind it. “Reminding” on multiple days for someone to take out the trash doesn’t sound like it’s the real issue if people are bothered by it.
Here’s an example:
I had a partner who I told I’d pack up the books in a room by Wednesday night, and who started complaining that I hadn’t completed it on Monday night, I had just put the boxes in the room. Not only was she complaining that I hadn’t done the task earlier than I said I would, but the Wednesday date was arbitrary - we weren’t actually moving until weeks later, this was just finishing parts of the big job of packing in manageable doses. I would definitely call that nagging, since the packing wasn’t her job, I was still on track to do it by when I said I would, and it wouldn’t be a big deal if I did the packing that weekend or the next week anyway.
I find it helpful to set up a baseline for completion of tasks. I say, you may:
Tell me what you expect me to do (define a task.)
Decide how it must be done.
Decide when it must be done.
Pick two, but you’re never going to get all three so don’t even try it. This seems to work pretty well with anxious people who are whipsawed by their own brains–lot of ADHD people in my family, and a bunch are bipolar as well and they can get really frantic when their brains get hyperactive.
A significant part of my job as a grant writer is harassing fellow employees to complete things and give them to me on time. It’s become something of a good natured joke that I am the resident cat-herder, but if I didn’t do it, our organization would potentially lose a lot of money. It’s not uncommon for me to give them a soft deadline well ahead of my actual deadline and for them to ignore the soft deadline. I’m delighted to report that we’re about to implement a new Grants Management system that will do all the nagging for me. I can’t wait.
My beloved husband is a nag, and based on my experience it’s not even necessary to ask for something more than once in order for it to be nagging. He has a habit of trying to micromanage things I do, particularly with regard to our household, and now that we have a son, it’s bugging me more than ever. He directs me in the simplest of tasks, such as cleaning up a spill or loading the dishwasher.
Case in point, yesterday our garbage disposal started spewing water and food particles, and it became clear I was dealing with a pretty bad clog. After messing around with it a while, I tried drain cleaner which worked like a charm. This entire drama unfolded while my husband was working.
When I told him I had solved the problem, his immediate response was, “Are you sure you’re allowed to put drain cleaner in the garbage disposal?”
“Yes, it’s very clear on the back of the bottle that it is approved for this use.”
“Are you sure? I don’t think it is.”
“I read the thing. There are explicit instructions for use in the garbage disposal.”
Another example, I’ve been trying to introduce the baby to finger foods and made some roast carrots and potatoes to share with him.
Husband said, “Just be advised the microwave is known for uneven heating. Make sure it’s not too hot before you serve it.”
I’m 37 years old and believe it or not, I understand both microwaves and the fact that things you put in them sometimes get hot.
I recognize my husband is incredibly risk-averse and tries to control things in order to relieve his anxiety. I suspect he is a bit OCD (in the clinical sense) but he is a literal expert on OCD and doesn’t see it. It’s not really about me, so I don’t usually take it personally. But man, is it annoying.
Oof. You have my sympathy–dealing with stuff like that is a big part of why I am determinedly single! I’m naturally a very laissez-faire person who gets things done on time but refuses to fash over it. Due to marriage and kids I kept getting forced into the role of “cat herder” and I hated it SO MUCH because it doesn’t come naturally to me AND I fucking hate being yelled at for “nagging.” So I stopped and just let everyone go to shit in their own way and that resulted in me being a “bad mom” and a “bad wife.” Kids grew up and left home, I jettisoned the ex and now the only ones who nag at me are the critters and I can confidently tell them that they don’t have opposable thumbs and don’t pay the mortgage so STFU.