That’s the thing with me - When it comes to household work, I’d rather get something done quickly and get it out of the way. If I did “pretty well” at vaccuming the floor, I’m happy. My husband on the other hand wants it done perfectly, even if it takes him three times longer to do it. We have different standards which is the real source of conflict.
And yes, I have ADHD. I understand I can be forgetful at times, and I’m sure it’s no walk in the park being married to someone as disorganized as I am (my home and work lives are at total odds.) But I’m generally able to manage my life on my own.
I suppose I should be grateful he’s not a layabout that never gets anything done. He is a diligent, if slow, worker.
I’m glad you got out of that terrible relationship. Other than the nagging, I got a good one.
It matters whether a promise has been made to do something, as well.
If I said I’d change the oil on DH’s car, he’s counting on me to do it, and did not take it to a 10-minute place during the only opportunity he had that week, because I said I’d do it, and then I start procrastinating, because it’s a little chilly (not cold, just chillier than I expected, and I own sweatshirts) out, he is within his rights to start pestering me about it, especially if I’m not doing anything but watching an episode of Xena On Demand that I not only have seen before, but could watch any time.
On the other hand, when his car starts making a noise, and he starts asking me repeatedly what it is, and I have no idea, don’t feel like messing with it, as I am in the middle of preparing lessons for Hebrew school that I need the next day, and he progresses to his “Is it going to be expensive?” like I would know even if I had actually diagnosed it, I am within my rights to decide to go to Starbucks and work on my lessons there.
Yes. The trope of the “nagging bitch” can be really frustrating, because it can be used as a red herring when there’s really a much bigger issue at hand–kinda like “I can’t believe your sleeping with my brother!/How dare you go through my phone!”. Sure, going through someone’s phone is not good or healthy, but that’s not really the key issue in that conversation.
In the same way, I’ve seen (and, honestly, experienced) accusations of “nagging” be used to divert attention from the fact that someone isn’t stepping up. When we were young and married, it really took a couple years of that dynamic before we finally sat down and I was able to articulate what a shitty deal I was getting: he would agree to do things, but not do them, and there was no way to get them done that didn’t make me bad guy, the bitch. So either I had to do all the housework myself without even mentioning it, live without it getting done, or I had to be a total bitch about it, and even then, often ended up doing it. That conversation made a big difference: he hadn’t ever really critically examined the situation (why would he? It was working for him) and while he still procrastinates things, I can bring it up and we can have a conversation.
Years later, we were able to have the more important conversation about why it wasn’t really reasonable for me to be the person who had to make sure everyone did their jobs, or even to have to define what the jobs were. All of this was an extremely common pattern among the couples in our early-mid 20s social group. We were far from the worst offenders. So I have to admit, I tend to be a little suspicious of complaints about a “nagging wife” and I really wonder if the relationship “rules” didn’t make the impossible situation where making sure everything turns out okay for everyone in the house is “her job” but any attempt to impact behavior is “nagging”.
Finally, when dealing with professional situations, I try to work out a timeline for a follow-up into the initial conversation. Something like “When would be a good time to follow up if I haven’t heard from you? I know you are super busy and this isn’t the top of the list”. Unless it is the top of the list!
Bravo @MandaJo. This is real insightful and I suspect the nub of many couples’ problems. She’s the jointly-designated manager but he chooses to be unmanagable. Impasse ensues. With a large helping of oblivious.
At the same time there’s also a large contingent where “I Do. Not. Care. whether I live in a pigsty or not” marries “I must live in a neat clean house.” And somehow the two lovebirds never noticed this irreconcilable difference before they got hitched. And FTR there’s no specific gender associated with either attitude.