I was doing some research on stepparenting and was recommended to read theDisengaging Essay. I found the reading to be rather useful, for there are examples that I have enforced on my own children when they were younger.
Now, I’m not sure how accurate the protrayl of Dad is in the essay. FME, the male figures have always been the ones to step in when the kids arent listening to the female - whether it be Mom, Grandma, Aunt, etc. But most of the time, it’s only after dad is made aware of the situation (“you just wait 'til your dad gets home, missy!” syndrome). This is not saying that these men are bad fathers - their just wired differently (as the essay suggests), or maybe the more accurate term is that they learned differently growing up.
My Mom ruled the roost when I was growing up. She did just about everything and dad only stepped in when she called attention to it. When it came to school and sports - it was my dad who was usually the first one up to the plate, but the last one to enforce discipline (let’s face it, I was scared to death of my mom & only one time did the uncorrected deed go to dad).
As I had mentioned in another post, I used to avoid dating men with young children of their own. Gads, I cant believe how awful that sounds when I hear myself saying it - but, please hear me out:
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My ex remarried and his wife immediately went in to mom role when kids were there. At first, I welcomed the extra help and thought it was good for the kids to see that stepmom was interested in their lives as well as her own kids. The only time we butted heads was when I found out that she made the kids call her mom when they were there. Oh no-no-no honey! That is NOT how it works! It is up to the kids & what you are comfortable with, you do not force that title - period! FYI, it wasnt until a few years later that I found out the reason why they refused to call her mom but i was relieved that it had nothing to do with me! Heck, I used to reassure them that I was ok with it if they were. Anyways, kids grew up despising her for many reasons.
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Based on my own experience (see above example) I didnt want to turn out to be the evil stepmother or the witchy wife. I figured i barely had enough energy dealing with my ex’s family, why would I want to take on another family?
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It is hard. Oh.My. Gawds I cant believe how difficult this can be! Fortunately I have a little warrior in me that will stand up for herself when she feels the need.
The SO is always encouraging, and he does step up to the plate but I also see where I have made mistakes by stepping in and taking on “mom” role - or, ‘woman of the house’ as I prefer to say. It’s been a transition for all of us, especially the kids. Reading the essay, I figured that I have probably jumped in to a role that I shouldnt have. Yes, i can help the SO out but he still needs to be the primary parent when the children are here. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, that means I have to admit that I have.no.control over this - Ahhhhhhh!!! Wait… no, that’s not true… once we work out as a family what needs to be done and when and the consequences if not done - well, that means I have some input. Now, I will no longer discipline his children - I’ll let dad take care of it.
**Who here is in a blended family and what trials and tribulations have you had? Any solid advice and encouragement is much appreciated. **
And a reminder, incase you didnt know or had forgotten, my SO is also a board member… I know, I have shocked others before by asking for relationship advice where my partner can read what I wrote & repsond - gawds forbid! But he is a great guy and as long as fingers arent being pointed - why the hell not ask for advice from someone who’s been there/done that? (besides, I havent found any board remotely like this one)
PS I’d be interested in any single dad’s raising their kids’ input as well.