Divine Rant

[Liberal]

Speaking to hypocritical religion leaders, Jesus said:

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.

Woe to you, blind guides! You say, ‘If anyone swears by the temple, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gold of the temple, he is bound by his oath.’ You blind fools! Which is greater: the gold, or the temple that makes the gold sacred?

You also say, ‘If anyone swears by the altar, it means nothing; but if anyone swears by the gift on it, he is bound by his oath.’ You blind men! Which is greater: the gift, or the altar that makes the gift sacred? Therefore, he who swears by the altar swears by it and by everything on it. And he who swears by the temple swears by it and by the one who dwells in it. And he who swears by heaven swears by God’s throne and by the one who sits on it.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices — mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law —justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.

You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.

Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You build tombs for the prophets and decorate the graves of the righteous. And you say, ‘If we had lived in the days of our forefathers, we would not have taken part with them in shedding the blood of the prophets.’ So you testify against yourselves that you are the descendants of those who murdered the prophets. Fill up, then, the measure of the sin of your forefathers!

You snakes! You brood of vipers! How will you escape being condemned to hell?

How’d He do, Pitters? What score do you give Him on the 10 scale?

[John_Corrado]

Hmmm. Full of force and conviction. Good use of repitition, although that means it probably comes across much better in speech than in reading.

I’d give it a 6 on the basic text; however, one should realize that this is probably a class-ten flame (who knows? Probably, Jesus goes to 11) watered down for modern viewers by the fact that it has to be translated (it’s hard to capture the original majesty of any speech in translation), that it deals with issues not necessarily in modern currance (like tombs of prophets and giving one-tenth of one’s dill), and that what works brilliantly as a speech to be spoken does not work as well as a text to be read.
So a 6, with the understanding that back when Jesus first delivered that rant, it was probably closer to a 10.

[Gomez]

This is good. It’s an excellent example of not using swearing to get your point across but more personal insults. You don’t hear Jesus using words like Goat-Felcher do you? And the rants all the better for it. It’s got a good rhythm and he also uses stuff like

"You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel. "

To make himself look much smarter than the people he’s ranting against because, well I for one have no idea what that means.

Jesus is obviously an accomplished ranter and as such I’d give him the full 10 points!!!

[Navigator]

the gnat/camel thing… I think was an allusion to ‘constipation’… but I may be wrong.

In a word, I find Jesus rant to be ‘Inspiried’

[stofsky]

*Originally posted by Gomez *
**It’s got a good rhythm **

But can you dance to it?

(sorry…couldn’t help it)

[Satan]

Where is that, by the way?

I have a brother-in-law who is a pastor who has, among other things, distanced his family from ours because we would be a “bad influence” on his eventually-to-be home-schooled kids, did not go by his wife’s side when she joined the rest of us in grieving our mother’s passing, and best of all, questioned my Catholic grandmother’s salvation after she died in front of us.

I’m sure he would like that I could quote from the Bible, you know. And I’d love to quote this to him the next time he shows himself for the hateful, scared and beyond contempt human being he can be.

---

Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Four months, three weeks, six days, 13 hours, 53 minutes and 29 seconds.
5983 cigarettes not smoked, saving $747.89.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 2 weeks, 6 days, 18 hours, 35 minutes.

[Fretful_Porpentine]

Matthew 23:13-33.

[Satan]

…questioned my Catholic grandmother’s salvation after she died in front of us.

She did not die in front of us. He questioned her soul in front of us, after she died. Grr…

---

Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Four months, three weeks, six days, 13 hours, 59 minutes and 28 seconds.
5983 cigarettes not smoked, saving $747.91.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 2 weeks, 6 days, 18 hours, 35 minutes.

[Moe]

Damn! Jesus told all. You go Jesus! go Jesus, go jesus, go jesus, go Ricky, oops I mean Jesus, go Jes…

[Satan]

Thanks Fretful!

---

Yer pal,
Satan

I HAVE BEEN SMOKE-FREE FOR:
Four months, three weeks, six days, 14 hours, 2 minutes and 19 seconds.
5983 cigarettes not smoked, saving $747.92.
Extra life with Drain Bead: 2 weeks, 6 days, 18 hours, 35 minutes.

[jmullaney]

good luck, Satan.

[iampunha]

It can be danced to . . . It’s the basis for “Alas for you!” from Godspell. DAMN good song. Made better if the singer is a tenor . . . which should make it obvious to all that the person who did it at my school was definitely a bass.

Keeping in mind the culture of the time and that it was originally in Hebrew (I think) . . . and that I’m Catholic . . . hehehe. I give it a 10. How many people can honestly keep up for that long?

[tradesilicon]

Some things only get better with time, and how interesting it is that the same words are true today as they were in his day.

It is quite silly of course to grade this on a 1 - 10, but if you must know, 10, no doubt.

Be assured there are a fare share of excellent rants all through the bible, old and new testament. Especially good are the rants from Moses, when chosen to lead. And keep in mind he was talking to God, not some Pharisees, etc.

[Spider_Woman]

I thought about Satan’s strategy; and showing it to the pastor in this thread, but I don’t think he would recognize himself. If he did, he probably wouldn’t behave the way he does.

[Liberal]

Spidey

At least quote this to him:

“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices — mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law — justice, mercy and faithfulness.”

Gomez

The straining gnats and swallowing camels metaphor is talking about how the religion politicians fret over trivialities in the law, like tithing, while ignoring more important matters, like mercy.

Satan

Hypocrites believe in Him with their brains only, not their hearts. You believe (i.e., love) with your heart. Tell your brother-in-law that Jesus is your Brother-in-Love.

Here’s one for you to quote:

"Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!

Matthew 7:21-23

[Kyla]

Keeping in mind the culture of the time and that it was originally in Hebrew (I think)

Jesus spoke Aramaic, which is closely related to Hebrew.

Excellent rant, too. Eloquent and meaningful. I wish a NEW Jesus would come along and say this sort of thing to fundies like Satan’s brother in law.

I’ll give a prize to whoever comes up with the best rant about the hypocrisy of these fundies. As with Jesus, no profanity allowed. Don’t know what, but I’ll come up with something.

[Danielinthewolvesden]

Thanks, Lib, nice post.

[Ogre]

I wish a NEW Jesus would come along and say this sort of thing to fundies like Satan’s brother in law.

So what’s stopping you, Kyla?