The thing about the driver’s license is seriously seriously “Sleeping With The Enemy” scary.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong agreeing to a budget and even an “allowance” but the taking away the debit card and the DRIVER’S LICENSE is just pure crazy talk.
Get help.
I can’t get past the driver’s license either.
If you get in a car accident and don’t have your license on you, you’re gonna get a citation, which tells me he’d rather pay the citation than let you loose with your own ID.
Plus what if you were unconscious in this hypothetical car accident? What then? How could the cops identify you?
Another thing I’m wondering is, back when you had the ATM and driver’s license, how many times did you go to the bank and withdraw money and how much did you take out? Did some checks bounce because of this or something?
I’m trying to get a full picture of what’s going on here, is all.
When you had withdrawn money in the past, was it like tons of money, or just $100 or whatever?
I have a controlling husband (see my thread about mother’s day with my son) and he also taught me how to be with money.
Here’s what I’d do (and I really would). Tell him you resent the controlling attitude he has toward you. Tell him you want your driver’s license and ATM card back. Tell him that if you need to withdraw more than $100, you’ll discuss it with him first. Tell him that if he still feels the need to divorce you, you’ll have your paychecks diverted to a separate account and hand him the Yellow Pages listings for attorneys.
He’ll keep doing it if you let him. Call his bluff. If he stands by his threat for divorce, you really don’t want to be married to him anyway, regardless of how much you love him. I know I might sound like a buttinski, but I also make more than my husband and I’ll be damned if I’m going to be left out of the financial decision making. It’s insulting and downright embarrasing.
I somewhat agree with you crazycatlady but I don’t know the finantial situation of the couple and “Mr. They carry only the debt of their mortgage” is a very nice person to know.
What I think sould be looked at is, is he on an allowance? if so then I don’t see any problem restricting spending jointly, even if it’s called an allowance. There might be something to look at like the amounts they each spend to see that things are ‘fair’, but if each is restricting themselves to a certain $ amount I don’t see a problem.
Also if one person has a spending problem, I can see a need for some restriction and an allowance might be the way to do it.
Another thing that should be looked at is the use of money to make money. I would think a ‘outing’ with some clients could produce some benifits down the road and would be worth the risk a a few dollars over the allowance.
Also perhaps NVME should be taking a fraction of her allowance and saving it for such occations.
After re-reading mainly NVME’s post, I think the only reason that such items as your license and ATM card (I assume no CC) should be withheld is if you have a spending problem. However you make it sound like it is your husband who has a spending fear.
I personally would not want my wife to go outside if she did not have a way to get back safely if something happened and needed cash. Actually I encourage her to take extra money, CC’s and the like just incase. OTOH she is very responsible with it and I trust her judgment on items she does buy.
You don’t have money issues, you have serious control issues. Marriage counselor, STAT.
How does not having a drivers license prevent you from spending money? Or is this meant to be some sort of punishment thing?
"…your husband has NO right to your credit cards, debit cards …
When you got married, all of your assets and possesions became the property of BOTH OF YOU. 50/50. No exceptions. "
Then he has an equal right to the credit cards and debit cards. If the cards are on an account that is in both their names, he’s responsible for any debts incurred.
Still, marriage counselling is the way to go.
Shal, the driver’s license thing is to prevent her getting money that he’s not ready to dole out. See, if you want to go to the bank and make a withdrawal in person, you have to have photo ID, and a lot of banks specifically require either a driver’s license or a state-issued ID card. And yes, it also sounds like a punishment thing, like a parent taking a toy away till you can play nicely/take care of it properly/whatever.
Really, I think the title of this thread, and the fact that the OP puts happy in quotation marks says all that really needs to be said about how happy she is with this situation and with the marriage. Women who are happy with their marriages don’t react to threats of divorce with “Is that a threat or a promise?”, know what I mean?
Divorce and you’ll BOTH be taking a BIG financial hit.
Does Mr. Nvme know that?
And ditto on the marriage counselor advice.
NVME, Kalhoun has very good advice. Call his bluff. The situation you are in may work for a while, but it does not build self-assurance in you. And for him to pull this punk card (the divorce issue) is very wrong. Will he say this every time you and he have a disagreement? Yet another way to control you.
Also, the example you stated about the friend who is filing for bankruptcy for $65,000 in CC debt is a LONG, LONG way off from your situation. I’m sure that you are educated, but I knw that doesn’t always equal being confident in your financial abilities.
If this is the case, you are afraid that coming out from under your husband’s wing will be the cause of your financial ruin, not only go to marriage counseling, but take a class on financial management. The UNLV/CCSN noncredit classes ALWAYS have classes on managing money, as do the community/rec centers in Henderson. Many are for women, and are not that expensive. (I live in sin city as well)
I wish you well.
This is what really stings me. My knee-jerk reaction is: If he’s willing to divorce you over $200 then I think you’re better off without him. Jeez, what would happen if you were in a fender-bender that caused say, $500 worth of damage to the car or something? Yikes!
A really good friend of mine also has an “allowance” deal with her husband. BUT, should she decide to go shopping, or that she needs a haircut or something, she just gets the check book. So the allowance is a way for her just to keep cash in her pocket, but anytime she wants it, she can get more money. No issue. Well, not no issue, her husband might roll his eyes when she buys another pair of shoes, but he certainly doesn’t tell her she can’t get them.
Anyway, I guess my feeling on this is that he is being WAY to overbearing, and I would be very upset if I were you, that I had so little input on what the money I make is used for.
I’m thinking my advice is for you to start to put money in an account of your own. YOU decide how much you want to save back, and YOU put it in an account that is in your name only. And for Pete’s sake, get that driver’s license back!
I’m reading this and alarm bells are going off in my head like crazy.
You admit you put him on a pedestal and you secretly think you’re not good enough for him. This attitude may have been a magnet for a controlling personality, and it sounds like you landed one.
An allowance? When you’re the breadwinner? Losing your driver’s license as punishment for taking out money without his permission?
Sweetie, take the blinders off. You need some serious counseling. If he won’t go with you, go by youself. This is not a normal situation.
Ask youself this…if your sister came to you and said, “My husband won’t let me drive anymore because I bought this new dress without his approval,” what would you say?
Didn’t mean to end on that kind of note. What ever you decide to do, I wish you the best, just please don’t let this go down with out saying something to him at the very least.
Wish you well!
Anyone who would threaten divorce over $85 dollars has some serious emotional problems. Anyone who would take away a grown woman’s driver’s license has serious control issues.
This is the emotional equivalent of smacking you around a little, just to see if you’ll put up with it, and you should treat it with equal seriousness.
So when is this going to stop? When are you going to be “secure” enough financially that you can enjoy yourselves?
Never.
He needs to be straighted out right away.
Nvme77, I agree with everyone else in this thread that your husband’s behavior toward you is completely inappropriate and scarily controlling. However, from what you’ve said, the blame for this situation lies as much with you as with your husband. You have allowed him to set the rules and punish you how he sees fit.
In this thread, you seem more than capable of recognizing his inappropriate behavior. However, getting the validation of a bunch of strangers on the Internet isn’t going to make a difference. You need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. Don’t act like a child and ask him to allow you the rights of an adult. Act like an adult. If that ends in divorce, then you’re better off. But if you don’t learn to take responsibility and make a role for yourself as an equal partner, you’re just going to end up in another relationship exactly like this one. Not only will that suck for you, but your kids are going to grow up watching you and thinking this is a reasonable way for men and women to interact.
You don’t need other people to validate what’s right or wrong for you. Trust yourself, and stand up for yourself.
Jeez, it astounds me how so many people can turn a blind eye to the obvious.
You need to (a) grow a spine and (b) find a good divorce lawyer.
JMHO.
Marriage counseling would be a good course of action, in my opinion…but am I the only one wondering whether he’d be willing to pay for it? Nvme77, I hope your company’s health plan covers some or all of counseling fees. Good luck to you!
Oh, NVME, your post makes me so sad. It sounds like your husband thinks of you more as a hostage or underling than a spouse and equal partner. He really isn’t showing any respect for you, and this is not normal and definitely not healthy. The first step is for you to recognize that. 
Um. I hardly know how to say this, but – does he also control your access to information about the joint account? Do you actually see the bank statements and bills, or do you just take his word for how much money you have and where it’s going? Because it seems to me that he’s being awfully paranoid for someone who is merely worried about reckless spending, and if you don’t have an ATM card or any ID, you also can’t check your balance easily. Given that you’re the primary wage-earner and that he has made some bad investments in the past, it’s just possible that he may be doing some things with your money that he doesn’t want you to know about.