Divorced dopers, did you ever think this during your marriage?

“I did not go into marriage planning for the divorce, we are happily married and I don’t see a reason to plan for anything else.”

Inspired by discussion in this thread.

I was widowed, not divorced, but I know that I had plans in case something went south, whether that something was divorce or death. Are such plans borrowing trouble? Is it planning to fail?

Sure. Well, during the first one, anyway…

Married six years, divorced, now happily into the thirty-first year of my second marriage.

Never planned for divorce either time, and probably have a superstition against it.

Never had wills or anything like that until we (second marriage) started having kids and realized that we needed to protect them if one or both of us passed away.

I am a little extreme on this issue. I have backups plans for everything and usually about 4 levels of fallbacks. I also don’t trust marriages just because the way I was raised and I am rather recently divorced. Call me a hopeless non-romantic but there is no way I am getting married again (if ever) without mountains of paperwork and lawyers involved. I am a trust fund baby with two young daughters. They are heiresses to a natural gas fortune and much more important to me than any potential spouse could ever be. If something goes wrong, then that is the end of it for other woman. It goes even deeper than that just due to my personality so I doubt such a thing would ever come up but, if it did, I would lay everything out on the table extremely clearly beforehand just to be honest and to find out if the person in question really wants me for companionship or something else.

I find it surprising that so many people have blind trust in anyone at all based on the things I have seen time after time. All you have to do is turn on the nightly news or pick up a magazine to see what can happen. Naive is the kindest word for it.

I’m positive that I never had a thought that was as fully formed as you phrase it in the OP, but I was absolutely certain that divorce is not something that would ever happen to us. Death? Sure, I could see that. But nothing was going to cause us to just walk away from being married to one another, and there was absolutely no need to make any kind of preparation just in case something like that happened.

Now, up until the point that we’d bought our house, which was only three months before we split up (wow, I’m not sure I’d realized just how quickly that happened until now), there really wouldn’t have been much to plan for, anyway. We had no children, and little in the way of any assets, so I can’t say it was much of an issue. But I also don’t think we were ever realistic about our marriage being troubled to that degree.

For a little more context, it was elaborated upon in subsequent posts.

Since both statements were made by me, a divorced and remarried woman, I thought I’d toss that out there. :wink:

I never in a million years thought that I would divorce, so making backup plans would have been ridiculous.

And I didn’t even consider divorce as an option until, over the course of a couple of weeks, I realized that not only might a divorce be worth considering, but it was, in fact, the only possible solution.

Never planned for divorce simply because I couldn’t imagine it happening. I was wrong.

My ex-wife, however, did consider divorce all the time. She even used to joke about who would get which record albums when we would split (and took a couple of albums with her that she agreed would be mine – until I pointed that out).

It was probably due to our family backgrounds. My family had never had a divorce. Her mother had divorced her first husband after he had an affair; she then married the husband of the “other woman,” and eventually divorced him. So she had the example of a couple of divorces in her life. I think one reason she left me (though not the only one) was that I was so confident she would stay with me.

I remarried soon afterwards and that’s stuck.

My first wife and I divorced after 14 years of marriage. Her idea, although I knew that I had made a mistake about 6 months into the marriage. But felt like divorce should not be an option. Even when she filed for separation, I fought for reconciliation, counseling, the whole 9 yards. At some point during the separation, I realized that there was no changing her mind, and it then became a business transaction to me. I think for most people that go through divorce, their initial feeling is of failure…I mean who can’t keep a marriage together right?

I didn’t plan for it, nor do I think that most rational people do. The biggest contibutor to my marriage failing is that we got married way too young, both 23. After it was all said and done, I am extremely happy my first marriage ended. Besides, dating in your 30’s is a lot more fun, than in your early 20’s.

Happily married to my 2nd wife.
But then there’s this:

:eek: That’s a story worth telling. Who goes after the husband of the other woman?

Evidently, when the two spouses left to marry each other, the two remaining spouses met to commiserate (remember, both were the “wronged party” in the affair, so they didn’t blame each other). They started seeing each other more often until they married.

It didn’t work out for my MIL; he also divorced her and remarried. She didn’t remarry after that.

My gran and my aunt (maternal) and my mom all were divorced at least once before I married the first time. If anything their “failures” made me resolved to marry forever.

My much older sister OTOH said to all who would listen, prior to her first marriage, that she would divorce a husband like changing her undies. :eek:

My sisters first husband died and she has been married to #2 for 20+years. They are still madly in love as if they just started dating. This is not just from her perspective but from his too.

My marriage history has not been so good. Married twice, divorced twice and to paraphrase Scarlett, “as og is my witness I will never marry again.”

But famous last words. After my first marriage ended, I was heard to say on numerous occasions, “if I ever tell you I am thinking of getting married again - just slap me.”:smack:

So dopers please. If you ever see a post from me mentioning that I am experiencing premarital bliss, send this post back to me!! Drive to where I am and slap me, hire a hitman to put me out of my soon to be misery.:smiley:

After watching the financial hell my mother went through when she divorced my father after 26 years of marriage, you bet your sweet patootie I’ve made plans.

We’ve got separate bank accounts and investment plans, and written contracts regarding how proceeds would be split if we ever sold the house. In a worst-case scenario, it wouldn’t be hard at all to untangle his finances from mine, and for both of us to walk away with minimal damage (he makes way more than I do, so this arrangement actually protects him far more than it does me).

I like to think we’re meant to stay together forever and I love him with all my heart, but I can’t rule out the possibility that things could change one day. That said, I don’t worry about it constantly, either… now that the safety net is in place, I don’t think about it at all. I just needed to know it was there, just in case.

One of the reasons I love The Boy so much is that he actually understands why I feel this way, and he’s never taken it personally.

(We’re not married, BTW, but we’ve lived together long enough to be considered a common-law spouses and we share ownership of our house… so even though divorce isn’t an issue, there would still be a hell of a lot of messiness if we ever broke up)

Divorced and remarried.

Didn’t plan for divorce the first time - believing my husband would “mature” - he didn’t.

Second marriage I went into with labeled CDs in case I needed to kick him out. His and her retirement accounts. Our finances are so co-mingled after fifteen years that if we’d divorce, it would be a pain to sort it out, but I kept my career (and he kept his), kept my retirement accounts (he kept his), and I wouldn’t be left unable to support myself without savings.

I don’t expect to be divorced, I find it more likely I’d be widowed. But yes, I plan for not having a husband. (I also plan for ‘if I die’).

Didn’t during the first one, although I had enough warning signs and straight out “this will not end well” moments that I damned well should have been preparing for it.

IF IF IF I ever get married again, I won’t do it without at least a vague outline of an exit plan.

My parents have never been divorced. My wife’s parents never divorced. Both my wife and I take our marriage vows - to each other and God - very seriously. So the possibility that we might divorce some day has never really entered either of our minds - it’s just not an option.

Sorry, I guess the OP is not addressed to me - I should read more carefully.

Passive-aggressive threadshitting? That’s a new one on me.

I’ll take that one step further and answer even though I’m not even married. But after seeing my parents, collectively, go through 3 divorces I can’t imagine marrying someone without planning for divorce. While their first marriage was never happy, both their second marriages seemed wonderful for years and yet eventually ended. So I don’t think I could ever be sure enough to assume I would never divorce. Things change.

On top of that, I’ve also seen first hand 3 times how angry and hostile it can be even when neither party is an inherently bad or abusive person. To anyone who’s ever had an amicable divorce, that’s really great. But I just don’t ever want to spend months or even years of my life angry all day all the time. It’s miserable. Since I plan to have kids someday this all goes double. I could never burden my children with all that anger and animosity without doing everything I could in advance to avoid or minimize it.

P.S. I’m not suggesting all the people saying they haven’t or wouldn’t plan for divorce are wrong, especially since they are actually married. I’m just trying to point out how strongly my experiences with my parents have impacted me.

Yep, this.

Is it? I’m sorry, I wasn’t intentionally threadshitting - just giving my perspective. I’m interested in what others have to say.

This is probably the biggest influence for any of us – you and I had different experiences and have been shaped by them.

Your phrasing stated that you knew your commentary isn’t what the OP was looking for, but you decided to post it anyway. It came off, to me, as being an annoying form of threadshitting. If that wasn’t your intent, consider this comment of yours:

and understand that most (if not all) of us who have been divorced also took our marriage vows very seriously. Sounds rather condescending coming from someone who has never been in the position of being divorced. As if to say, “If you people had taken your vows as seriously as I do, you wouldn’t have gotten divorced.” I’m not trying to put words in your mouth – I’m just saying that’s how it sounded, hence my reaction.