My ex-wife emailed me the other day out of the blue to ask me what my opinion was on her keeping my last name. She didn’t get into her motivation for asking, and she was, of course, “kind” enough to point out that my opinion didn’t really matter since she was free to do whatever she wanted, but she just wanted to know how I felt about it.
Leaving aside issues of tact (or lack thereof), I thought the question was interesting. I found that I really didn’t care one way or the other if she kept my name. We didn’t have any kids together, which I know can be a huge factor for some women in keeping their ex-husband’s last name. So I’m guessing the only reason she’d want to keep mine is that the inconvenience of changing her name isn’t really worth it to her.
When I thought about it, I couldn’t even muster a reason to care. As noted above, I could see logic on her side. And I can’t figure out why it should matter to me. Although my last name isn’t super common, there are plenty of other people out there who just happen to have it as well. And once our house is sold and the divorce is final, she becomes just one more person in the world with that last name with whom I have no other ties.
But when I discussed this with other folks, some said they could see being bothered by the idea of an ex “clinging” to some part of what they had together that they have no right to. I also had one friend tell me that she was bothered when her new husband’s ex kept his last name, so that both women had to share that with him. That argument I could see a little bit more.
So for those of you who have had to deal with this situation from any perspective, what’s your take on it? I am also particularly interested in hearing from those who are divorced (or widowed) that kept the last name and then moved on to a new relationship. How did your new beau react to you keeping the name from your prior relationship, if at all?
All opinions (that are at least vaguely on-topic) are welcome!
I kept my exes last name. I will probably change it again if I re-marry. For me, it’s not so much the effort of changing it back, but the fact that I spent so much time making the decision to change my name in the first place. It was a big deal for me and I lamented over it over months before deciding. Also, I feel established with this name now. He moved out of state, and wasn’t originally from here, so no one associates the name with him.
Also, purely aesthetic, but I like the way my signature looks.
The hassle of, in my ex’s case, changing your last name after being well-established professionally with your name and signature for over 10 years. I’m guessing that if/when she remarries, that might be enough motivation for her to change to a new name, but why change twice?
Maybe you like it? Maybe you’ve used it for years, possibly in a professional setting? Maybe it’s not worth the hassle of changing it back?
I had two divorced teachers in high school (one of which was a white woman who taught Spanish and had the last name Hernandez- we teased her relentlessly for it) who kept their husbands’ last names. I never actually asked one of them for the reasoning, but I asked the other and she said it was because she’d used her last name at the high school for a decade and didn’t want to confuse everyone.
My ex kept my last name. I couldn’t give less of a shit if she kept it or not. I knew she wouldn’t change it because she loathed her maiden name even more. I hear she’s getting married again in July, she’ll probably change it again, just because she can.
I didn’t change my name to my first husbands surname, actually some jackass in the navy sent all the paperwork around to get it changed apparently. I know I certainly didn’t. Took me almost 30 days to get it straightened out when I went to badge in at McGuire Nuclear Power Station for a contract. How odd … my job application in my maiden name, and my drivers license in my maiden name, and my military ID in my maiden name didn’t match up with the SSN administrations information, or my updated security clearance and other navy paperwork in my first husbands surname … so I was running between Norfolk and Asheville getting crap changed.
This time around I haven’t changed my surname at all, still going by my maiden name. And this time, mrAru stood there and rode herd on the yeoman doing the paperwork for me. And yes, he tried to change my name on the paperwork to mrAru’s surname :smack:
I would not keep a married surname if I didnt have kids, I figure if I don;t like my husband enough to stay married, I probably dont want to have his last name either. Actually, I might even change my kids surname and mine back, if I had sole custody r majority custody of them.
If it was the habit for the husband to change surnames, I don’t think it would bother me if he kept it or not, though as above, if he didnt want to stay married to me, why would he want to keep my surname?
I kept mine. The last name was objectively better, and changing everything back is kind of a hassle. Besides, I wasn’t terribly fond of my maiden name, either.
In retrospect, I should have just chosen the coolest name possible and had it worked into the divorce decree or something. I wish I didn’t have his name. It still doesn’t feel like mine.
My Ex kept my last name after the divorce. But she had always disliked her maiden name, which belonged to a father she barely knew and had rarely met. Add that to the fact that our kids aren’t going to be changing their names, and her decision was pretty easy.
Which is why even after I remarried I kept and still have my first husband’s last name. My ex was okay with it at first as it matched my son’s last name but when we had our own child, he wasn’t quite so okay that I didn’t change it then.
I use his last name for school issues with our daughter so that seems to appease him although when we are vacationing and I make the reservations, he doesn’t take kindly to being referred as “Mr. My First Husband’s Last Name”.
I wish I had kept my maiden name, but my first husband was an ass about it (we did have kids together). Second husband, I didn’t want to keep the first husband’s name so I changed it again. Third husband, same thing.
It gets a little weird professionally, but I’m rather unique in my field and most people know me by my first name.
This is one of those things where I think it’s pretty moot what a man thinks about his ex keeping his name - there really isn’t a damned thing he can do about it, so why waste any thought on it?
There isn’t anything we can do about Obama’s Supreme Court nominee either but it’s something we can certainly think about and discuss. The OP didn’t ask if we wanted to do something about it. He asked if we had an opinion about it and, in fact, acknowledged in the first paragraph of the OP that there wasn’t anything we could do about it. Thanks for taking the time though.
I was mildly surprised that the ex took my name in the first place and also mildly surprised when she kept it. I assumed that she would change it back and mentioned it when we were filling out the paperwork. She said that it never even occurred to her to change it back. He maiden name is fine but sort of common. My last name is kind of cool and there are fewer than 50 people in the world that have it. She likes having a nearly unique last name and so she kept it.
My brother was really upset about it. First of all, she had cheated on him and the divorce was her idea. Bro took the idea that she didn’t deserve our last name anymore (it’s pretty uncommon, everyone in the area with it is related). He just felt that she was the one who wanted out of the marriage, but she kept something that meant something to him.
She remarried a few years ago and changed her name.
You misunderstand me; I didn’t mean don’t discuss it here; I just meant that there isn’t anything a guy can do about it, so hopefully he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and energy being upset about it.
