Do I have to take sh*t from a girl because I ruined her life in Junior High?

In My Humble Opinion
141

Two more cents from me.

I think you are done, Start . Done apologizing, done trying to make amends, done trying to help this Laura feel better.

Give it up, son–this is HER problem now.

You are both young and I am absolutely CERTAIN that YOU, Start , were not the only one to tease her-nor did you make her choose her reactions to that teasing. You are NOT responsible for this girls mental health (or lack of it).

She needs to do some growing up and some forgiving of her own.

She completely lost any of my sympathy (which was considerable) when she said what she said about the curse missing you and hitting your brother.

And her comments implying that you are attempting to molest your step-brother are waaaaaay over the line.

She is one trouble chick.

Walk away and keep walking, kiddo.

I would NOT apologize one more time; I would not cowtow to her AT ALL. I would not tease her or anyone else the way you did, though. Lesson learned and move on.

Best to you.

And could everyone lay off? This is a kid we are talking to here–one who has lost a brother and moved into a new family constellation all within 6 months. Jeebus.

142

Everyone has a story.

143

First there was a stunned silence.
Then we shook hands.
Never seen him since, but at least I felt better about things.

144

Now you mention it… :smiley:

But still, I’m pretty sure most people manage to get through their lives without victimising someone, particularly someone who never did anything to merit the abuse other than not ‘fitting in’… which is not biting when provoked, it’s travelling in packs and harrying for amusement. Or in some cases, for social status, which is equally reprehensible.

145

I should add that even though I think his behaviour was dreadful, it’s hopefully a stage in his life that is over with and he’s moving on to being a better person who can see beyond how things affect him, to how they affect others. Some adults never learn that trait, so I give START full credit for actually getting to that point.

You’ve apologised, and after reading the posts here I’m sure you’ve found a way to show you’re sincere, START. She may not be prepared to forgive you yet, but at some point - provided you continue to be pleasant to her when circumstances force you together - she’ll come to realize that you were sincere. It’s not something you can put a timeline on, however.

I can only assume that one day she’ll realize that an apology and cessation of bullying is really the best life is ever going to offer her, and dwelling on the past is no way to live. But until she has that revelation, she’s going to continue to be bitter and probably pre-emptively vicious towards you - though I shouldn’t think the meanness will be lasting. Nice people can lash out in pain and anger, but basically they’re …well, nice. Sooner or later they realize they’re hurting themselves more by being the thing they hate, and the moral compass reasserts itself. (Sounds kind of like what you’re feeling, START - I hope that’s true.)

146

eleanor, I usually find myself in agreement with you, but not here.

Laura’s behavior should not be the guide to START’s actions. He should apologize to her - the apology on the day of the incident in 7th grade was not something she was in any state of mind to even register, and he owes it not only to her but to himself to do. The fact that she is now behaving badly is irrelevant.

THEN, START, you should find all the other nerds, geeks, and otherwise unpopular kids you victimized at that time, and apologize to them as well, even if they haven’t become attractive and popular in the meantime. Obviously, from your OP, your treatment of Laura was not an isolated incident. If you want to be believed and acknowledged as sincere in your repentence (as opposed to finding it desirable to get Laura off your back or finding her newly attractive), seek out those to whom an apology buys you nothing except possibly their better feeling toward you. Oh, and improvement of your own character.

I too was treated pretty badly in 7th grade. A couple of years after high school, I briefly dated the brother of one of the most truly vicious girls from that time. We interacted socially, and she did in fact apologize - without any solicitation or even mention of the time from me. Of course, enough time had passed by then that I no longer hated and despised this girl, and so was able to receive her apology gracefully and really forgive her.

It’s quite possibly too soon for Laura to accept a real apology yet, but get it done, live up to the standards you say you now embrace, and eventually she will hate you less. Out-jerk her and you can kiss any claims to reform goodbye.

147

Yes, you need to take it and yes you need to apologise sincerely and here’s why.

She looks better now, right? Know why that is? Because rather than be able to accept herself, she has been forced into a place where she is afraid to look a little overweight. She might look great for the rest of her life but it will be through fear - fear that you caused.

People who are bullied change and nearly every aspect of it is self-destructive. So from being a girl who was a bit overweight and had a few things that a bullying idiot could pick up on as an easy target, she is now determined never to go through the pain and humilation of being laughed at just for being her. So, externally, she will do everything in her power never to be that easy target again.

She is rude to you now? Well, that’s because she has never recovered from being victimised by you. Every time she sees your face or hears your name all that pain comes righ back into sharp focus.

She is rude to you, probably more as a way of shielding herself from that weak victim inside her so she tries to throw a few barbed comments at you as much to try to feel strong against her attacker as to get any form of payback. Frankly, I’m guessing all she wants is for it never to have happened - but that doesn’t work.

So, whatever she throws at you take it, not as payback or Karma but as the manifestation of a situation you created. When she is a mature woman, she will still be trying to lock away those memories and they will still come back to haunt her when a little bit of ribbing from colleagues or friends hurts that bit more than it should and she can’t handle it.

If you apologise, make sure you do it right and don’t expect to be her friend. Make sure your apology contains only your failings - your fear and the cowardly way that you dealt with that fear.

And maintain that standpoint when she asks you why you picked on her for the incessant barrage of abuse you directed at her.

Then learn from it.

The good news is that we all make mistakes when we are younger - big ones. You don’t have to spend the rest of your life beating yourself up about it if you learn the lesson and treat people with respect in future.

But don’t try to forget it, either. Remember it as a time when you realisied that things can never be undone.

148

Hey Start, I don’t think you’re a bad kid. Being a jerk in Jr. High and then realizing it and trying to do better is a good thing.

I wasn’t a Laura, but I got made fun of occasionally. Like Laura, I went from an awkward teen to an attractive adult. If any of the guys who picked on me came up and apologized, I’d accept it, but I would still laugh in their faces if they asked me out or tried to make any kind of advance.

I like to think I’m mature and forgiving, but that would just be too much temptation for me. I wouldn’t insult their family or anything, but a little dick joke might not be beneath me. :smiley:

In other words, don’t expect her to ever give you the time of day. Just apologize and be done with it. You don’t have to grovel, you don’t have to beg, and you don’t have to take any insults about your brother. That’s hitting below the belt, even if you did make fun of her in Jr. High.

149

I think some histrionics on your part are in order here.

You have to socialize with her because of family, so there’s no avoiding her. May as well make a game out of it. Every time she zings you with a cross remark, put your hands on your chest like you’re cradling an arrow you just got shot with, topple back, and say “UNNNH!!! RIGHT THROUGH THE HEART!” For every curse, cover your ears, and say OOOOOOO MY VIRGIN EARS! For every cancer reference, say “Actually, I’m a Virgo.”

She’s just going to drain the life out of the room otherwise.

150

Indygrrl

Make fun of? MAKE FUN OF!?!?
Try torture and humiliate.
She is troubled, but hugely due to START’s, terrorizing her.
Can you imagine that? Her personality shaped by torment.
Hmm. So START is now as “innocent” as she was back when he abused her. Her heaping the abuse back on him now is just plain justice.
Whatever the subect matter of her attacks.

However…
Say someone you had mistreated in the past chose to attack you physically.
Could anyone really just take it and not defend one’s self?
I think the same thing applies in a verbal attack.
But in this case, retreat is best.

START, while I do question your motives for soliciting advice, it could just be that you feel a natural inclination to defend yourself. And your heart is trying to win out over impulse. Keep listening to your heart.

151

I understand the nature of his bullying. I just don’t think he has to eat shit for the rest of his life for it. He’s trying to make amends, and that is important, but he shouldn’t have to stand around and listen to that crap about his brother.

So, apologize and then try to play nice. If she continues to fling insults, then ignore her the best you can. That’s all you can do.

152

Oy! --first let me get over the amazing fact that 1. people actually read what I post and 2. that someone agrees with it.

<fans self, wipes brow> thanks, that’s better. (seriously, you made a lousy day better-thanks). :slight_smile:

I think that he should apologize and move on. This Laura sounds at best unstable and FWIW, I think that there has been a levelling of the playing field with her remarks to him. Definetly NOT cricket, to borrow a phrase.

I see no reason for him to round up others that he may or may not have teased in the past etc. Where does that sort of thing end? How far back do you go?
And given the age and maturity level of these kids, I wouldn’t put anything in writing.

I am finding it interesting how many of the posters (and I am not singling any one out) overlay the hurts they experienced in jr high onto this scenario.

Start should not function as either a whipping boy for all the past bullies nor should he act as a scapegoat. He is just START and has his own troubles, as do we all, I suppose.

153

I agree with you 100%

Yes I can imagine that, all too easily. To say it’s awful would be a bit of an understatement.

But here’s where you and I differ:

Absolutely, positively, 100% WRONG. This is revenge, not justice, and nothing gives Laura the right to avenge herself here, especially if it involves the same sort of assault that START performed on her.

The question has been asked in this thread, but I’ll try again: Why is it not OK for START to humiliate and torment Laura, but OK for Laura to humiliate and torment START? Do you really think that this is going to end after Laura finishes getting her jollies tormenting START, even if he doesn’t go looking for payback? (Note to START: No matter what happens, no matter how bad this gets, don’t go looking for payback. If it gets too crazy, go to your parents/your teachers/the authorities/whatever.)

More likely, Laura will realize just how wonderful hurting other people feels (much like START realized it years before), and go looking for more excuses and more people who “deserve” the abuse.

Long story short, START isn’t the only victim here. Laura is damaging herself every bit as much as she’s damaging him every time she pulls this garbage, and this is one story which isn’t going to have a happy ending if they both don’t wise up.

154

Maybe they’ll end up married (and on Jerry Springer). No, that really isn’t a happy ending.

155

Does this song lyric fit this situation?

google the source if you don’t know it, and then Itunes’ it.

156

I was another one who had one of her tormenters apologize to her. What was remarkable was that it happened while most of the others were still in the process of tormenting me. After that, I was cool with him. Hell, I still sometimes wonder what happened to him; he was a pretty nice kid, after all.

When high school came around, I went to a different school, thus leaving most of them behind. The few times I came across them in high school, I didn’t say much one way or another, even though I still hurt. A lot.

It amazed me how differently some people had grown. As a for-instance, one of the girls who made fun of me transferred to my high school. She and I got along fine, although we never really talked much. We even had some friends in common. Another one of them was on an opposing Scholastic Bowl team; he actively mocked me and my best friend during a match (watching our coach explode was worth it, though). And another tormenter (though never a major one) was in the district Latin Club with me, and we got along fine.

I can understand where she’s coming from. But, if you want to talk torment. . .well, I’ve been there and done that, and I was never on the happy end of the transaction. I have never behaved the way that “Laura” has behaved.

People do things they’re not proud of. And eye for an eye leaves the whole world crying in the bathroom. I wouldn’t suggest confronting her–after all, the crappiness of her behavior is going to be overlooked because of the jerktitude of your past behavior–but you don’t need to be around her. And, if she pushes for a confrontation, give her one. Tell her you’re sorry for being a jerk, but that you don’t feel obliged to put up with her shit in return.

FWIW, regarding the curse. . . . :rolleyes: . . . . I just thank the gods I wasn’t this lame in high school. Though, to be fair, most of my friends were.

157

I’m sure glad I appologized to THAT guy. :eek:
Ok a couple of things.

  1. START did not “ruin this girls life”. She did not turn into a homeless crack addict. She is not an unemployable drop out. He was a dickhead and Jr high. That’s about it.

  2. Dude! You were an asshole! Pretty much expect her to treat you like one.

  3. START - You will not win a “jerk” contest with a teenage girl. You will find out why in a few years if you don’t know already.

  4. People don’t really like people who pick on people who can’t defend themselves. Some people might find them mildly amusing once in awhile but for the most part, real friendship isn’t based on an ability to rank on others.

158

I’ve been trying to read this thread in its entirety but Real Life interferes, so if some of this has been said or asked, forgive me.

What I would like to know, START, is what exactly was going on in your life when you were being this young Asshole? Was there a move? Divorce? Abuse? Parents at each others throats? Best friend move and you were lost? Death? Dog ran away? Accident? Zipped your wanker ? Put us into the frame of mind, please.

Someone is usually a bully their entire young life, I would think, not wake up one morning and say, " Today, I start being an Asshole."

Details needed.

I’m glad you realized the error of your ways and the hardest and most important lesson in life: It is always possible to change.

Also, you need to verbally apologize to this girl. Whether she accepts it (now) or not ( she will when she’s much older.) it is imperative to the eviction process of your Former Asshole Self.

159

Excellent point. I’m not sure anyone can ruin anyone else’s life - life deals you stuff, you handle it or you don’t. Nobody makes or breaks anyone else’s life.

160

Because no one seems to have noticed it, I’m reiterating my most important point:

If you’re truly sincere about repenting, find the OTHER people you victimized and apologize to them. Otherwise, any claims you make of repentence boil down to the fact that she is being hurtful to you and you want her to stop and/or she is quite attractive now and you find her worthy of social interst.