At least, will my man? Will he ever learn to think things through? Will he ever learn that his actions affect other people, particularly me? Will he ever learn to accept responsibility for those actions?
Sunday I called my mom and asked her for the address of some relatives back east. She said she would have to call someone else to get them, but she’d call me back. I said we’re going out in a little bit. She said, ok, she’d leave a message. Sunday night we get home and there’s a message with the address. I say, Joel, bring me a pen and paper so I can write it down. He says, not now, I’ll save the message so you can write it down later. Fast forward to Monday night. I say, Joel, I have a pen and paper, please play the message so I can write down the address. He says, I can’t, I deleted it. I thought you already wrote it down. I say, when could I have written it down? Last night you told me to wait to write it down today! He says, But you talked to you mother yesterday, I thought she gave you the address then. I say, Joel, she left the message AFTER I TALKED TO HER! She left the message because she didn’t have the address when we talked! You said not to write the address down yet, you wouldn’t delete the message!
Then this morning he packed me a lunch. I put Christmas cards for my co-workers and a present for a friend in the lunch bag. It made for a big, heavy, awkward bag. We went to the car, I sat in front with my carpool partner, he sat in back with the lunch bag and my purse. He did NOT have a lunch bag of his own because he ate his lunch in the car. When we get to his work, he takes MY lunch bag, cards and all, with him. I don’t notice because I am in the front seat with my back to him. I don’t realize it until carpool partner and I get to work. I have no lunch and no money to buy another one. I get to my cubicle and there’s a message from him on the voice mail saying, “I’m sorry, but I’m surprised you didn’t notice the missing bag. I waited for you in the parking lot, but you didn’t come back. I’m surprised you didn’t see me.” So it’s my fault? He was in the back seat, I didn’t see what he was doing! I’m a passenger, I didn’t have the rear view mirror, am I supposed to sense or divine that he’s waiting for me in the parking lot? Why the hell didn’t he just pay attention and remember that he just ate his own lunch and didn’t have a bag??? Let alone one stuffed with cards and a present???
I know these are little things. But everyday is full of these little things. I just wish he’d pay attention to what he’s doing. I wish he’d think things through before he acts. Why can’t he? I hate being disabled, and I hate even more that it means I have to rely on someone who’s so unreliable. He doesn’t need a wife, he needs a mommy. I thought I was up to the task, but I also thought he’d eventually learn and grow out of some of this. After 3 years of marriage, I’m not seeing a whole lot of development. Am I wrong about this? Should I learn more patience? Frankly, it takes every ounce of patience I have not to try to knock some sense into him. I thought I was all right with me being the brains of this operation and him being the brawn, but it’s becoming so frustrating.
Yes, we are in marriage counseling. But it’s hard to talk about my frustration with him when he’s in the room. I don’t like hurting his feelings, and he turns it around into a victim act anyway. “Sorry, I guess there’s just something wrong with me, I shouldn’t have gotten married so when I do this stuff I’d only be hurting myself,” and so on. Jeez. C’mon, you’re pushing 30, you can’t be a little kid expecting mommy to take care of your messes your whole life! At the very least, if you can’t use your brain and avoid these dumb mistakes, own up to them! Accept responsibility! Say, “I screwed up,” instead of “But why didn’t you do this or see that,” and throwing the onus back on me. I can’t follow you around with a broom and dust pan to clean up all of your messes, and even when I try you get indignant. Last night I simply asked if you turned down the heat and you said, “Yes, of course I did, I turn it down every night, you don’t have to keep asking!” But I do! The moment I stop checking up on you, things go to hell! Now I’m going to wonder, since you put the responsibility back on me, if I’m going to have to ask you every day when we drop you off where my lunch bag is. Or make sure you don’t take it into the back seat with you. But if I do, you’ll get indignant again. “You don’t have to do that, I won’t make that mistake again!” If only I could believe you!
Thank you for indulging me. I’m just venting my frustration. We have a counseling appointment tomorrow night. We’ll talk. He’ll make excuses. I’ll cry. He’ll promise to do better. He will for a day or two, maybe a week, then things will go back to being the same and I’ll put up with it for a few more months until I need to vent again. And it’s all my fault.
