Suppose you were arranging a party or event that would be focused around one particular activity. Would you invite or not people that you have reason to think wouldn’t enjoy that activity? Perhaps out of a motivation like ‘wouldn’t want them to feel excluded/disliked’? Or would you think more along the lines of ‘why put them in a position of having to come up with an excuse/reason to avoid being stuck wasting time at something that they won’t enjoy?’ Or how about, 'don’t want them to consider you as clueless/deliberately mean by an invitation they obviously couldn’t participate in?
Some possible examples:
You wanted to host a chili cookoff. You plan to have at least a dozen different ‘chili masters’ showing off their best, with maybe a hundred guests total. And you plan to invite a range of people, some family, some close friends, some newish acquaintances, some work mates, some, oh, fellow garden club members, whatever. Do you also invite the co-worker you know can’t eat spicy foods?
You’re planning a wine tasting. Do you invite your Baptist teetotaling Aunt Mary?
You’re planning a hike up a nearby mountainside to be followed by white water rafting back down to the parking lot. Do you invite your wheelchair using best friend?
I would, but then I’d make it absolutely clear what is involved in the activity and that I’d perfectly understand if it wasn’t their thing this time.
For future activities I’d make a mental note that it should be perhaps something that they did like.
That seems like a fair compromise to me, it’s only be an arsehole move if the activities you choose always exclude the same people.
Part of it would come down to scale. With a hundred guests, there’s almost certainly going to be other things going on around the chili cook-off. Beer drinking, other foods available like potato salad and the like, conversations about football or other topics, maybe some pick-up games of some sort. They might not be able to eat the main course, but there’s lots of other stuff to do.
A wine tasting though is much smaller scale, and probably doesn’t include much beyond the wine, like maybe a cheese platter? In a small group it’s more likely that conversation will be more centered on the activity, which the person can’t partake of. So then, I’d probably not invite them.
Where you cross the line from one to the other is an open question.
Yeah, I’d say “it depends.” Yes to the chili cookoff if you’re inviting your other co-workers. No to inviting someone who has religious objections to a wine-tasting (but yes to inviting them to other activities where alcohol will be drunk, but isn’t the central focus of the event). I wouldn’t invite someone in a wheelchair to an activity that they physically couldn’t do, unless there was some way to adapt the activity to them, but it seems reasonable enough to invite someone who simply might not like hiking or white-water rafting.
Am I literally inviting everyone else I know, so that the person’s exclusion will stand out?
Will the event be something they just can’t participate in, or will it actually offend them?
If their exclusion will be noted, and there might be talk, I want them to be able to say they were invited, but couldn’t make it. If we are very close, I might even write a special note on their invitation that I understand they don’t find it appealing, but I love them so much I couldn’t exclude them.
I would not offend my religious Aunt Mary with an invitation to the wine-tasting. I also would not invite anyone who has been going to AA, and been sober for 6 months, although in the latter case I might write them a private note. Depends on how close we are, and if there is a guest of honor, and their relationship to that person.
In the case of someone with a disability, who I’m assuming would not be able to participate-- I’d contact them privately just to check my assumptions. Maybe there is some part they could participate in, or something I don’t know about. The two of us could decide what part, if any, is accessible, if the person wants to join us, and then invite or not, accordingly.
I think it’s okay to invite them, but just as long as the party is structured in a way where there’s not the expectation of participation. Like, if you have a wine tasting, don’t structure it where a guest would feel awkward if they didn’t taste the wines. For example, if the wines are tasted by the group in order and each guest gets a rating card to record their comments, a non-participating guest will feel awkward sitting around while everyone is doing the wine tastings. But if instead there are a variety of wines out and the guests taste and discuss them at their leisure, then a non-participating guest won’t stand out. Even if someone drinks wine, they may not be the type to notice or want to discuss whatever subtle flavors there are and why they might prefer one over the other.
One distinction might be between “a party where a side event is happening” versus “a gathering to participate in a particular activity”. Like if you were hosting a Dungeons and Dragons game night, the expectation is that the game is the sole focus of the gathering and everyone would be expected to participate. It’s probably okay to not invite non-gamer friends to something like that. If they are invited, tell them that people are getting together to play the game rather than to have a party. They’re welcome to come, but everyone is going to be playing D&D.
Different standards apply to close family, distant family, close friends, cow-orkers, ordinary friends, and distant friends.
I have nieces & nephews nearby. Gotta invite every one of them to everything that smacks of an extended-family event. Even though one of them will decline 90% of the invitations for reasons that seem reasonable. But trying to guess in advance which event they would decline and then not inviting them? Not going to be a pretty outcome, not at all.
I gave up drinking a few years ago but I still go out for “drinks” regularly with the same guys. They never stopped inviting me and I never stopped going.
I do not invite people to something I think they wont enjoy, not out of exclusion, but to do them a favor by not putting them in a position to have to turn me down. Yeah, I know this is a distorted view. Corollary to that, I don’t want to be around someone I know will be miserable and harshing the vibe for everyone else doing the activity.
As in most things, it depends. Something I know they will be uncomfortable with or disapprove of, no invite.
Wheelchair guy mountain climbing, will depend on if there’s a path and the difficulty of the ascent. But he’d still get an invite to the after hike hangout if that’s part of the plan.
My friend group has enough history that coming up with reasons to decline really isn’t a thing. A simple, ‘Thanks, but I’m gonna pass’ gets it done with no awkwardness or hurt feelings.
Worse yet are when the person has a party at an event they want to do that costs YOU a ton of money. For example, we attended a friend’s party at a go-karts. Once we get their we found out we were expected to pay for our own laps and of course the host decided we were all going to do three races.
Me too. I assume the people who would invite people to things they’re sure they wouldn’t like must be extroverts and therefore more worried about the person feeling excluded, rather than introverts who know how uncomfortable it is to turn things down and disappoint people.
Feel free to keep me off your roller coaster disco night vip list. Tyvm.
And I’ll back out of an invitation if it involves hidden charges.
I’ve been invited to a group weekend for skiing/ wine tasting, up north. it sounded like fun. Until I probed for details and discovered the sleeping arrangement involved sleeping bags on floors for some of us. Seems the gals in charge arranged it so their weekend was super cheap and they had the best accommodations. Uh no thanks.
A guy walks into a pub and orders 3 beers. The bartender, assuming two friends will be joining him, pours 3 beers and brings them to his table. Then watches as the guy drinks all three beers by taking a sip from each, and repeating until all three are gone. The next week the guy comes in and does the same thing. Finally the bartender asks him if he wants to just order one and the bartender will deliver the next been when he finishes that one. “Oh no,” the man replies. “My two brothers live overseas, one in America and one in Australia. Every week we each go to a bar and do this, it’s our way of staying connected.”
This continues for most of a year until one week the guy comes in and orders 2 beers. The bar goes quiet and the bartender says “I’m so sorry for your loss.” The man looks at him quizzically, and then a smile of understanding comes over his face. “Oh, no. No one has died. I’ve just given up drinking.”
Rule #1 is don’t exclude any member of a group. I’ve been invited to several corporate events where the invitation was based on my being an employee/contractor within a department, rather than directed to me personally. These have included sports events, concerts, ice skating, and a history walk. Even if you know someone within the group dislikes football, or is physically unable to ice skate or keep up with a walk, invite them anyway. I think it’s acceptable to have the invitation oriented towards an audience; for example indicate that the invitation to a football match is meant for football fans. But don’t non-invite the two members of the department who’ve stated they hate football. For someone unable to physically participate in an activity, send him a personal note that he’s invited for the camaraderie, and he’ll be accommodated as much as possible. Maybe someone can’t ice skate, but you’ll buy him a hot chocolate and he can laugh/applaud at his fellows’ skating efforts. For either scenario, if someone decides he’d rather not go because he won’t enjoy himself, that’s his option.
Similarly, for family events, invite the whole family, even if you expect someone won’t attend. Maybe you know your atheist cousin hates religious ceremonies. If you’re having a christening, invite him anyway. He might choose to put up with the service for the chance to see the family.