Well, I’m not sure this is really what NiceGuy Syndrome is about (being a recovering NiceGuy myself). If it is the case that friends of said women and the OP are trying to get UnavailableGirl to change her dating habits by fixing him up with the OP, he should communicate to said friends that he would prefer to meet someone who is more available.
I always thought of NiceGuy Syndrome as the one where you try to show that you are a sensitive chap who is not like the other guys, and who wants to get to know you as a person and is not at all interested in getting into your pants until you are bestest friends and soulmates. The result - you go out on a lot of really great platonic dates, and then find that you are just a friend and the object of your affection has started dating someone who actually had the gonads to make a physical move. I don’t see this as the OP’s problem, since he did get a kiss goodnight.
We don’t know how the OP met IssuesGirl, so this may be advice that has already been followed. But one thing that the OP could try is to find collections of women who have “self-selected” themselves as being available and interested in meeting (and possibly dating) new people. Although I did not meet jeevgurl in this manner, I did spend a number of years answering personal ads and going to dating services like FastDater. The reason- well, I was getting the “friends” pitch a lot from women who were either already involved or just not interested. With personal ads, dating services, etc., there is a pool of people who have self-selected themselves as being available. It’s not absolutely certain (as Eva Luna’s experience with the wonderful world of Reader personals shows), but it still takes a certain sacrifice of dignity in our culture to sign up for these services and to respond to ads, so a person who does so has provided a decent, though again, not foolproof, means of meeting new people.
Alternatively, you can just keep hanging around with your friends and their friends, and eventually something might happen. If you’re ever in Chicago around 4th of July, there’s a picnic I could recommend that worked well for me . . .
Which, of course, is all well and good; and I definitely commend you on your patience. The “Friend Zone”, as you say, is indeed a black hole of inestimable size (well, okay, all black holes are inestimable like that–on account of no one ever actually ever seeing one–but c’mon, cut me some slack when I’m whackin’ at a metaphor like that) and, as far as I know, very few romantic relationships have successfully evolved from one. (Or been created from one, depending on your religious views an’ all. :))
You’ve already mentioned that you’re looking to start dating again (cool beans, chilidog); just don’t let the lil’ ol’ gods of irony play a trick on you and, just as you discover someone else with whom you find it worthwhile to spend both time and a fair amount of shared saliva, find that Mr. Kissy-Kissy (love ya’, em!) wants to start holding hands again in a “more than just friends” way. I mean, you don’t want to find yourself dating elmwood (in case In Consequential really is in New Mexico and neither he nor jazzmine wants to commute) just to end up telling him, “I really like you, but I have this ex-beau, see, and well… I’m not quite over him.”
It’d be too much for the universe to bear. Trust me.
Hmmmm, maybe I’ll makes next year’s picnic into a Dopefest, per jeevmon’s suggestion… He’s not the only one who ever met his S.O. there, or solidified a relationship that needed a little kick in the pants…
Oh, and **SkipMagic, ** trust me; I get quite enough encouragement, or discouragement, however you want to look at it, from jeevmon (and a couple of others) in real life. But sometimes I think that “Mr. Kissy-Kissy,” as you so endearingly call him (and boy, would he get a lugh out of all the things he’s been called behind his back by strangers!) is some kind of karmic revenge for a long-ago ex of mine, who I really shouldn’t have gotten involved with while I was on the rebound…
I can’t decide which is worse, this or the guy who…um…well felt the EXACT opposite of this guy. If you know what I mean. And he liked to…well, make SURE that I was taking care of myself. (trying to avoid the TMI category, here.)
YES. This sounds just like my “friend” with whom I thought would be good friends-with-benefits material. Problem was, he had issues getting the soldier to salute when he was with someone he cared about. THEN he kept insisting he didn’t want a relationship. Which I had already agreed would be a bad idea. But to insist on repeating this DURING the act…tad bit of a mood-killer. When I confonted him about all this, he said he had “Catholic guilt.” Except he isn’t Catholic. I guess he forgot that I had known him for two years.
And THEN there was the guy with whom I REALLY clicked with on the first date. So much so that we didn’t have sex for fear of it turning into a one-night stand. I had extremely high hopes for this guy. Two days later, we hung out at his house, watched a movie and he started getting really distant. We kissed a little, and I got the distinct vibe he wanted me to go (he’d just stop kissing me and LIE there.) So I did, and when I called him two days later, he said he was “really busy with school.” Hello? At least elmwood is getting an honest excuse and not a blatant blow-off.
Amen, my sista. This is why I hang out with gay men. Unfortuantely, hanging out with gay men doesn’t really help with the meeting of STRAIGHT men. Dammit.
**Indygrrl and Swiddles, I totally understand your point. I seem to attract guys who either have to be coaxed into something or have initial issues that end up getting replaced with desires for things that their future SOs don’t provide that I do. It’s bizarre to have to tell someone that you’re NOT interested in sex with them because that’d mean you’d be the “homewrecker” in a situation where you let that person come in and stomp on your relationship. At least he understands that being “just friends” is what I want until we both get our stuff straightened out and are both in a situation where we’re ready for a relationship with each other again. Oy… At this point I’m really not sure if I’d take him back, but I still care about him and love him so much that I feel like I’m going to end up doing it, whether it’s a good idea for me or not. Another reason why I know I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet: I’m still stuck on the emotions of the last one.
I’ve already advised enough people to avoid pursuing me if they’re looking for a serious relationship. I figure that warning them ahead of time is only fair.
A couple of weeks ago, I attended a speed dating event.
A couple of days later, of the eight women I spoke to, one was considered a mutual match. I tried calling her. Nope … call wasn’t returned. Sent an e-mail. Nothing. Waited a week or so, and tried calling yesterday night. Nothing. Another e-mail. Nothing. Called just now. She just started dating some guy she met at the same speed dating event.
WHY THE HELL IS IT NEVER ME??? Someday, I want to be the guy women pine over when they tell some guy “I can’t get my old boyfriend out of my head.” I want to be the guy who gets the girl first. I want to be the guy who gets the girl … period. Just once, goddamnit … just once. I’m attractive, intelligent, nice but not a pushover, funny, a working professional, a great conversationalist, not creepy or strange, someone that my co-workers like. There must be a God, because I can’t think of any other reason why I’ve been alone for so long … He or She must not want me to ever be with anyone, for some strange reason.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by auntie em * Where the hell were you at the KC Area Dopefest and Orgy this past summer, elwood (I was damn near single then
Unfortunately, I was living in Orlando at the time. KC has been home only since the start of December.
The woman that had the ex-boyfriend issues … she responded to a personal ad I have on match.com. SHE WROTE ME. That’s what makes it even worse … I drive 'em back! I had no way of knowing that she might have had some ex-boyfriend issues … she chose me to begin with!
Assholio? Well, I wasn’t a pushover on the date … really. My female friends say I’m not boring, not milquetoasty. No, I don’t go into bars and pick fights with the bouncer, but I do have a very mischevious edge, and more often than not I get in trouble for standing up for a point of view that I believe is right.
Really, it’s getting frustrating. I have just about everything I want in life. Just about everything, except … and the thing is it’s something that is so easy for other people to find, yet it’s so damn elusive to me. Years of therapy, advice, self-help books … nothing. My female friends are stumped. I seriously am thinking it’s fate. It’s my place in the universe to be lonely, so others can feel better by comparison.
Obviously the problem is that you don’t get them in bed after they’ve spent so much time with you.
That makes them long for their exes who had took them to bed, instead of going out.
We’re talking about a first date here. You know … “all men are evil, so you have to meet in a bright, well-lit, mutually agreed-upon location.” Even if I was the shagging-on-a-first-date type, it would be impossible given conventional dating protocol.
As for the time we spent on the date … if the conversation is rolling along and you’re having fun, why cut it off at some pre-determined time?
