I’ve fairly recently befriended a couple. I like them both quite a bit, as a couple and also as individuals, and generally feel like I’m equally friends with both of them.
But one thing that’s starting to slowly grate on me is that they’re one of those “we” couples - incredibly invested in the idea of themselves and their couplehood. I don’t think I’ve ever heard either of them use the personal pronoun “I” - it’s always “we like this” or “we went there” or “we want to eat there.” To a slightly lesser extent, the girl is one of those “Jason east pancakes” people - in almost every conversation we’ve ever head, when any subject comes up, she has to chime in, “Oh, Jason likes cheese” or “Jason didn’t like that movie.” etc. etc. ad infinitum
I really, really like both of them, but this is one of those little Seinfeldian things that will slowly drive me insane if it goes on forever and doesn’t tone down at some point, where I’ll just start screaming at them in the middle of a restaurant or something.
One thing I forgot to mention, and have not been intentionally withholding, is that their relationship is relatively new and they’re adorable newlyweds, for and from whom I expect this sort of thing to be relatively normal.
Will this stuff tone down over time, where in six months he’ll be coming to me and talking about what a harridan she can be, and she’ll be bitching at me for letting him get as drunk as he did at our poker night, or does this go on forever in these types of couples?
I wouldn’t count on the passage of time to tone that stuff down. My husband and I have been married for 28 years, and both of us are still going “we we we” all the way home. I think this may be because many of the things we share together have taken on more psychological importance than the things we do separately. I don’t see this as a problem, and it never occurred to me that it might be annoying to other people. Now I’m kind of embarrassed.
The “we” thing probably won’t stop. If you spend most of your time with your SO it just become the way you think about yourself. For me it is situational also. Some things are me/I some things are us/we, but more of my life is spent with my wife than without (at least more of my life that is worth discussing) so it seems a little weird to say “I went to the beach this weekend” when in reality “we” went to the beach. I didn’t go by myself, I went with her. I think this is sort of normal. (I think)
OTOH, the “Jason eats pancakes” thing is obnoxious as all hell, but in my experiance does go away. I have a friend that does that with EVERY one of her new boyfriends. Give it about a year for that one to start to fade, but it will fade.
Personally I don’t see the problem with togetherness, as long as they can still maintain an individual sense of identity. Since we don’t know the couple personally it’s hard to say whether you’re just being oversensitive or they are really weird about their togetherness. Either way I don’t think it’s would do much good to confront them about it. Normally I’m a champion of that sort of honesty, but not here. A lot of couples go through the fawning stage at the beginning of a relationship, and I’ve been on the receiving end of such criticism during that stage. I did not respond warmly. I felt grossly misunderstood and insulted and slighted. It’s hard to imagine your friends reacting any other way.
While we eventually matured into a much more balanced and boundaried relationship, it is still a huge part of my identity, so yeah, I’m going to talk about it. Not to the exclusion of all else, but this is a person I spend a great deal of time with, therefore we are going to talk about one another in casual conversation. The same would be true if I spent all my time with my best friend or a relative.
By the way, the ‘‘Jason eats pancakes’’ thing doesn’t have to mean she’s obsessive about him – it also might mean that she’s trying to find common ground. I know if I mention my husband in such a capacity it’s not because we’re obsessive, but rather because I don’t like pancakes, but I’d rather make a social connection by offering at least a tenuous relationship to pancakes.* Or if someone mentions psychology, I may say, ‘‘Oh. My husband is a psych grad student right now,’’ because that sends the immediate and direct message that I know something about the field and support its mission. It has nothing to do with him and way more about making a connection with another person.
*preposterous, of course. I love pancakes.
All in all I think you’re either going to have to get used to it, at least on some level, or distance yourself if you can’t handle it.
BTW, are you actually saying you prefer them bitching to you about one another than getting along and being in love? It seems to me the loving option would be the preferable of the two. If you think a couple in love is a pain, try a couple that doesn’t get along. I’d take the couple in love any day.
I’d guess that the “we” thing will continue or increase, while the “Jason likes” will tone down.
As others mentioned, a couple often do do lots of things together. My SO and I have been together for 16 years now, and when something comes up, my first thought is usually if he might be interested.
My take on the To a slightly lesser extent, the girl is one of those “Jason east pancakes” people - in almost every conversation we’ve ever head, when any subject comes up, she has to chime in, “Oh, Jason likes cheese” or “Jason didn’t like that movie.” etc. etc. ad infinitum, in a new relationship, is that it might be a bit of insecurity. I found myself doing this kind of thing, and thinking about it, it was a way to show that I knew my SO well enough to know this. Eventually I settled down a bit, and no longer had the concerns about proving we really were a couple.
They sound like people I get stuck with at parties and want to shoot within minutes of meeting them. How old are they? 14?
I understand and agree with Olive’s point re finding common ground, but from what is described, it sounds more like more of the “we” stuff. I mean, if it’s you and me we’re talking about pancakes, who cares what Jason likes? Jason is irrelevant to the conversation, unless one is discussing the inherent popularity of pancakes or something equally odd.
I don’t like couples who “we”. It’s one thing to say “we’re off to the Yukon” or “we found that whipped cream and sex didn’t work for us” or whatever; it’s quite another to be informed on the group think of one couple re politics, religion, social mores and the like. Yes, you make a lovely couple and I’m thrilled to bits that you’re so happy together. Now, l’d like to talk to YOU and then I’ll talk to HIM. Kay?
Oh dear god, this makes me crazy. Nothing worse than when you’re talking to one person, and they say “Well, we think…”. Thinking is not a group activity, and I’m talking to you. What do *you * think?
My wife and I use ‘we’ alot, but singularly, I speak for myself and try never to speak *for * her. In our relationship, communication is the key to a happy lifestyle.
Also, she has always had a little difficulty when someone asks her something about me, for instance, "what does your husband think about such and such…" her pad response is, “I can’t speak for him, but if I know him he’d probably say…”
There is a line between being egalitarian and down right siamese twins.
Bingo. It’s a pretty reliable way to know that you’re on precarious emotional footing when you find yourself reaching a bit to validate, and verify, your intimacy. Some people can detect this and grow out of it, others never quite make it.
I suppose if I were talking to Susie and we were discussing funky pancake recipes and came across one that included jalapeno peppers with maple syrup and we both said, YUCK and Susie then said, “Jason likes [those] pancakes.” it’d be all right. But then I’d be wondering about her marrying Jason…
I think too much “we-ness” shouts to the world that “we” are insecure. My husband and I after about 10 years of marriage admitted to one another that we don’t much enjoy the other’s hobby. I don’t want to go look at airplanes; he doesn’t want to go to the library and pick out books. Fair enough. I will listen to him talk about planes, though (to an extent) and he will ask about my current book. I think I’d rather be us than “we”.
We do the “we” thing a lot just because it’s unavoidable. Aside from work, we pretty much don’t have independent lives outside our family.
We don’t do “Jason eats pancakes.” though. I do agree that those women who sublimate their entire identities to the guy that they’re sleeping with are really annoying.
Just wait, soon “they” will be pregnant. That’s one of my biggest pet peeves, when couples say “We are pregnant,” instead of “Allison is pregnant,” etc. Very very irritating.